April - chapter 4 of 12

Thursday 1st April 2021

April showers bring May flowers.

I was in bed by 7 yesterday, I'd had enough of the day!  They finally called me about collecting the disabled equipment and they're not collecting it till next week now, so i've got to look at that all over Easter.  I also had a call to tell me mom will be cremated on April 15th, not having a service thankfully has made it sooner rather than later and a lot of these direct to crem companies don't tell you the date so I'm so glad we went with Cheap Cremation | DIGNIFIED DIRECT CREMATIONS | England (inexpensivecremations.co.uk) Michael has been really good. 

I had a sameish day again yesterday, stripped more wallpaper done 3 walls now, thinking why bother doing the forth if I'm having it boxed in with storage.  Now to decide what to do with the walls.

I struggled a bit yesterday with my emotions, I lost my enthusiasm to do anything about 2ish, ate french bread pizza, watched a bit of tele, had a bit of a cry, ate chicken wings, watched a bit more tele, then decided to go to bed.  Alfie's the same, every time the door goes, I'm sure he thinks it's gonna be mom. 

I'm typing with tears in my eyes, I see things or think of something and they start, grief is a wierd thing for sure, I'm glad she's not suffering anymore but fuck do I miss her, the real her not the dementia version, this version;

We had so much fun together, my mom, my best mate

I'm angry at Alzheimers for stealing all those years from us and furious at dementia for killing her long before she died, we had so many more adventures to have together and we couldn't even reminisce together about the amazing travels we'd had because she just couldn't remember them.  It's shit is what it is and I'm angry and crying and I'll do that for as long as suits me.  The real world will have to wait, I'm wallowing for a bit. 

I want so much doing in my house and in tue Bev style I WANT IT DONE NOW!  But I know that's not gonna happen so I'm filling my void hours by trawling through Pinterest and websites for ideas of what I'd like.  It's almost as good as Candy Crush and Pet Rescue Saga for consuming hours, I'm not quite ready to be productive in the real world again yet, maybe after Easter.

I need to hoover though, there's bloody wallpaper bits everywhere!  Oh this is how sad my life is right now, I got excited because this actually works!

Took all the black stuff off the bottom of my shower curtain in my wet room (which I hadn't noticed until last week in my defence!)

Anyway, I've stopped crying now, I'm gonna go make me another cuppa and some breakfast, it's still a novel feeling to be sitting in a cool living room rather than melting.  

Have a wonderful day, 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx