Beverley has prepared the content of Bev's World irresponsibly and carelessly. She therefore disclaims all warranties, express or implied, as to the accuracy, originality or completeness of the drivel presented on this blog or on other linked websites or on any subsequent links. She vehemently denies that the information may be relied upon for any reason. Beverley shall not be liable for inflicting laughter, shame, disgust, torrents of tears and the eventual desiccation or crashing boredom on readers.

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Friday, 26 February 2021

Sleep please

Friday 26th February 2021
Hold on tight, one day it will come right. 

I feel like I'm already tired tomorrow - oh it is tomorrow and I've seen every hour of the night since yesterday because apparently my mom doesn't need sleep, it's her new super power!  I'm not even going to attempt to relive the 8 or 9 hours with you, I just can't and don't want to!  I'm just so tired, even my tired is tired.  The things with dementia is people think they get it, but if you've met one person wit dementia, you've only met one person.  That's because each individual will talk, act, remember and behave differently, not because of what stage of dementia they're at but because of who they are.  Even that person will change day on day or hour to hour and it's really no bloody fun for either the sufferer or the carer.  Oh and she's not constipated any more, it's gone completely the other way - happy days!

On a positive I had a few hours that were bearable yesterday, I even had a walk with Alfie over the park which was lovely, whilst my mate Elle let me offload without giving me 'solutions'.  I also cooked me some proper food and drunk a bottle of pink prosecco for a change to red, Aldi £6.99 very nice indeed.  Oh and the other thing I'm really, truly grateful for is that the three people mom's been having a conversation with all night aren't actually here and this isn't a ward at New Cross like she thinks it is.  

Let's think about the future, I know most of you are looking forward to meeting up with your friends, I'm looking forward to a time when I can leave the room without being called back and asked 'where are you going?', a time when I can walk my dog whenever I choose, go and sit in the back garden because the suns come out.  I look forward to one day seeing the sea again and walking the coastal path.  Even to sit and eat a meal in it's entirity without any disturbance, to being able to sit in silence comfortably on my own - oh yes so many little things I long for.

Until then, I'll make it through another day and hope she goes to sleep tonight, what's really sad is a part of me hopes she doesn't wake up the morning after.  I don't think I'm the only carer of someone with dementia who feels that way because with all her other problems, I can honestly say, if she was a horse they'd have shot her by now.   I read on Dementia groups that people have lost their loved ones and I'm a little jealous because I'm sat here next to the women who's been my mom, my best friend, my hero and all that's left is a shell that looks a little like her, my mom was stolen away a long, long time ago.  How cruel is nature to allow this to happen. 

Today I will make it my mission to write down as many positives as I can so if you come back tomorrow to suffer more of my blog, you might actually read something that's a little more uplifting!  

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger they say don't they!  I must be the bloody terminator by now ;)

Mwah, luv ya

Love me 


Thursday, 25 February 2021

I'm living the high life right here.

Thursday 25th February 2021
Compassion is so often the solution. 

To be honest I'd rather be drinking tea with my unicorn that whatever this Thursday business is because it's been a long day, says me at 7am lol!  

That's my attempt at trying to look on the bright side this morning after another shitty day yesterday, let's think what were the highlights, 

- Having a new mattress delivered for moms bed to realise it had a motor that sounds like someones mowing the lawn (moms words, but she's not wrong).
- Having the GP reject moms prescription request because the drugs on discharge at the hospital had mixed up the dose (which I'd spent a good while the day before sorting with said hospital), then being told by their receptionist in a 'tone' that I'd need to go back to the hospital and get them to let the doctor know of said error meaning I'd have to talk to the receptionist on C24 who absolutely loves me - NOT!  Compassion is the keyword needed in receptionist training.  That was a ball ache I could've done without, all those phone calls, listening to the 3 minute message saying 'if you've got corona symptoms' before you even get to press an option for the GP - why doesn't it say 'if you haven't got corona symptoms press 1 if you have listen to the following options and save everyone hours of their life!  
- Having mom stress that I'm putting her in care or back in hospital because I'm spending so much time on the phone trying to sort her drugs! 
- Listening to my mom say 'I'm not sleeping in that bed' even after I'd put new teddy bear bedding on it!
- Repackaging said bedding up cos there's no way on gods earth she's sleeping in it.
- Watching her sleeping in her chair because even with her old bedding she still wasn't going to sleep in a bed with an engine!
- Ah, I won't even inflict the toilet business on you because that's just special!
- Being interrogated every time I attenmpt to leave the room, 'where you going?'
- Imagine how that went down when I had to leave the house to go for my jab!  
- Having Alfie wake me up for an hour at 2am because mom hadn't woke me up for half hour!

There's so many more magical moments but I'll not continue, you'll end up jealous and we wouldn't want that now would we!

I have had my jab now and the only side effect has been waking up feeling like someone had thumped me really hard in the arm, like when you were at school and the sadist in you used to do the dead arm to each other.  I'll take that pain for the chance of getting my life back.

Things that made me smile yesterday....

My dumb ass brother saying he'd have some more raffle tickets but that he wanted prime numbers only - seriously, you gotta love him. 

A lovely lady gifting me 2 audiobooks, what a lovely gesture and another lovely lady leaving cake in the porch, and another sending me wine by bank transfer.  Now if one of you can send me a magic sleeping formula for mom that would be appreciated muchly!   

Anyone who's ever done this caring for a loved one crap will either understand this next bit or not, I don't know if it's different if they haven't got dementia but I can hand on heart say I love my mom more than words can say, but when the dementia kicks in I really don't.  I'm seeing her in such emotional pian, such confusion it's heartbreaking and I do wake up in the middle of the night and a part of me hopes she doesn't because most of the time she's in a living hell, she doesn't know where she is but she knows it's not a nice place at all,

I'm not after sympathy, but what I would like is for you to make sure you do everything you can in your power to live your best life, to do everything (when possible) you've ever wanted to. 

February sucks at the best of times, this year more than ever because of everything that the last year has thrown at us.  We're all drained, tired and fed up of saying 'I miss you' or 'I can't wait till this is all over and we can get together'.  People have gone quiet because we're just trying to get through the day.  

Let's hang in there, when we're ready, we'll all come out of this and as Boris said, the dates are on the horizon and I can't wait; 

My life's a bit sucky at the minute, but I'm thinking about my future and what I want it to look like, I'm sure it'll be a lot longer than June 21 for me but hey, I have my wine, I'll be fine.  

I've got work to do today, first time since mom was hospitalised, I need to get back to it, I will go completely mad if I don't do something, so please book your appointments with me to help keep me sane!

Here's to a calmer day hopefully, I need to get this mattress taken back I think, it's no point having something she won't lie in and having something in the living making that news wasn't much fun for me either to be honest, I could even hear it when I went up to bed.

Have a day, lol, whatever kind of day you need to have.  

Luv ya 

Love me xx

Wednesday, 24 February 2021

Happy Hump Day!

Wednesday 24th February2021
Inhale - Exhale (That's how you'll get through!)

I've got my jab today!  I'm not gonna lie, I am apprehensive, but mostly because I'm scared of needles, but also because a few people have said it knocked them about for 24-48 hours and I've got enough on my plate at the minute without feeling shocking, probably not the greatest idea for my sister and I to have the jab on the same day DOH but I'm taking comfort in the fact when mom had hers she didn't seemed phased by it at all and no side effects shown.  

Well yesterday I had a text message to rearrange an appointment, which is never a problem, what worried me was I didn't remember making the appointment, it wasn't in my diary and I had no recollection of this person.  Now I know I have a lot on my plate at the moment but this scared me, even to the point where I thought, am I drinking too much and I've had a black out!   I even messaged them to check and they replied we'd had a phone conversation about it!  Fast forward to that afternoon and I have a call from a UW partner saying some how this person was her customer but had my number, I worked it out, I'd supported them on a call and the customer had both of our numbers so had mixed them up.  I've never been so relieved if I'm honest, it really concerned me. 

Positives from yesterday, this worked for mom, I may be able to have a new career in care after what I've done the last week; 
She's slept a little better too, I've had to get up and go down to settle her as you can see from my sleep pattern, but she's settled easier and known a little more where she is, because she thinks she's in hospital some times still, I guess a bed in the living room is confusing, she's on a private ward at least lol.  

I had these for tea last night, they were really tasty, and only 299 calories or 11SP if you're following WW so I won't lie if I was 'dieting' I wouldn't spend 11SP on them but 299 calories I would.  I'm in a quandary at the moment about losing weight and 'dieting'.   I have enough on my plate without thinking about how much I weigh, at the same time I want to be healthy, so I feel I want to stop and breathe and see what happens naturally for a while whilst being aware of my behaviour.  I want to get to know the me that exists without 'plans' 'diets' or anything inbetween, I want to see how Bev will behave with no constraints and it'll take longer than a week or two to do that.  At first they'll be the 'ooo I can eat anything' period, but already I've noticed that wearing off, I craved vegetables the other day and thoroughly enjoyed them.  Not going to supermarkets over the last year has really helped take away tempation because I forget those foods exist.  I'm going to work my way through my freezer again as I've had a quiet work month with mom being poorly and more demanding so I need to keep my eye on my finances.  

I'm having a battle with the front door this morning, the lock keeps bleeping, I've tried changing the battery but it's still doing it, not what I need today! Hey Ho, something else to sort - wish me luck!

Here's to getting through the day, and if that's all I accomplish, that's absolutely OKAY!  

Do what you can to enjoy your day, 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me x

Tuesday, 23 February 2021


Tuesday 23rd February2021
Worrying is like praying for what you don't want. 

Yesterday I finally went to the supermarket, it's been over a year since I last did and I needed something Sunday to help mom go to the toilet and my sister suggested I go to Aldi, instantly I said no, I'm okay thanks.  I realised later that there was a bit of fear around returning to 'normal' life of going to the shops after almost a year of not doing.  Officinaphobia is what it's called apparently, a fear of going to the shops, it's a branch of agoraphobia and I was in danger of developing the condition.  When Anne popped round yesterday with my portion of the best damn lasagne in the world, I asked her if she'd sit with mom whilst I went to Aldi, that fear needing nipping in the back and it was quite surreal.  It felt a bit like when you go abroad and have to drive on the opposite side of the road, new and different and weird.  It was safe and painless and cheaper compared to online shopping.  

Mom's had her first covid jab a few weeks ago and I've got mine tomorrow, finally seeing light at the end of this nightmare.  I haven't watched the news really regarding the changes but seen a couple of things on facebook, I want to have a couple of mates in my back garden for a drink, I think I can do that by the end of March!  

Just looking so yeah, these are dates that are relevant for me; 

29 March - People will be allowed to meet outside, either with one other household or within the "rule of six", including in private gardens.

No earlier than 17 May: People can meet in groups of up to 30 outdoors  (I'm thinking a walk with a few people would be amazing here!)

What's interesting here is I and others was obviously made redundant in December from WW and we had contractual restrictions to stop us working in the same field, I will be free of those ties on May 21st 2021, which is perfect when you look at the roadmap out of lockdown if we were going to do something ourselves!

Back to the now though, we had another unsettled night, I'm going to start staying up later I think because she's has me up and down every 15 minutes and gets very anxious, so I'll stay downstairs until I feel she's settled.  I've got used to being awake around 2 or 3am, but today we've got to sleep till almost 7am so I've managed 7 hours so it's all good in the end. 

I spent some time on the phone to the hospital and doctor yesterday trying to sort moms meds as they'd been adjusted in hospital and I didn't agree with all the changes, they were great, accidents do happen and it's now resolved.  I rang our surgery because of moms toilet problems and she was amazing the doctor, she called me back within 5 minutes gave me a few ideas, said what I was doing would help and also prescribed a mini enema which I'm going to see how she is today, she did manage to go yesterday, not loads (sorry for the theme of this conversation but it is my life at the moment), I don't want her to have to endure any more than she already has.  She's weak and she feels really scared, she's told me this morning she's scared of dying and doesn't like being left alone.  I've found a note she's written in the night;

Bloody heartbreaking!  
Therefore today, I'm going to do everything in my power to lift her spirits, she's happily sat eating fruit toast with butter and chai seeds on at the minutes with a mug of tea, the conversations a bit morbid but we can work on talking her out of that.  

My days are all a blur, highlights of yesterday was a socially distanced 20 minute walk with V, realising the temperature has warmed up a little and spring is on the horizon, my favourite time of year, hearing mom chuckle and seeing her snoozing calmly, however glimpsing.  Oh and my sisters lasagne, I'm sat eating the other bit now for my breakfast ;) I'm having a fk it February food wise I'm not gonna lie, if I fancy it, I'm having it. I'm not eating just crap, it's good food mostly, I'll have a mindful March, get back to planning my meals and eating healthy portions especailly as if we're being let out of lockdown, I need to get back in my clothes!

Here's to getting through the day at the moment and taking those smile moments when they appear.

Mwah, luv ya

Love me xx

Here's to looking for

Monday, 22 February 2021

Another week, let's survive it!

Monday 22nd February 2021
Merry Monday and a happy new week.  

Yesterday was a day of two halves, the bits where mom and I had a sing song and a couple of lovely hours were wonderful.  The health issues side, not so great, oh then there's the not sleeping thing.  If Fitbit was a person, I'd have wanted to punch it in the face this morning when it showed this message as I opened the app; 

Wouldn't it be wonderful to go to bed and get up at the same time every day, can Fitbit tell my mom that, we had a dreadful night, every one of those 'awake' moments was me coming down to try and calm her down and sort her out.  I'd argue that the sleep was as much as it says as just because you're lying flat with your eyes closed doesn't mean your asleep!  I am rested though thankfully, unlike at half one this morning when I was sat in the living room next to mom messaging a mate and sorting my banking, see that's why I know these graphs are wrong because I was downstairs till half two so don't believe everything your fitbit tells you folks!  


Anyway, happier things to focus on that happened yesterday, another £100 raised on a blanket raffle, just amazing, I have another one ready to raffle too, look at this 36inch square beauty, again truly talented Rosie Harris (Sheila), that's a heck of a lot of work there! 


If you want a £2 ticket or two before I post in on Facebook message me xx 

This beautiful bulb was a Christmas gift and I've lovingly watered it since then and this is my reward, there's on the other side abou to open too.  


Then the wonderful Nicki made me a big beef dinner, it was bloody delicious, I inhaled it if I'm honest, you can't beat a good Sunday roast. 

My goals for the last week of this month is to survive it!  I'm putting no pressure on myself to do anything other than care for mom, walk Alfie and hopefully get a bit of UW work to keep me going.  

I've got a baby blanket to make, although I'm not sure if I have enough white yarn to do one, I have a couple of different creams that would be enough but they wanted white, so we shall see.  

I need more caffiene today, horrid wet day out there too so I'm happy to stay home with a cuppa and my crochet!  Hope you've got something to look forward to in the day ahead, I'm going to go and plan a tasty breakfast I think, that'll make me smile.

Have a great day, 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me 

Sunday, 21 February 2021

It's all about the poo!

Sunday 21st February 2021
A Sunday well spent, brings a week of content.

Bless my mom, all she wants is a poo and her bum hurts lol, but as she said half hour ago, she's lucky to be loved and looked after and no one ever died cos they couldn't poo.  Morning :) now that's a lovely way to start a blog ain't it, but at least I'm not going to go into detail over the last few hours, so be thankful. 

It's so lovely to see her home and settled, she's in a happy place since coming home which is wonderful to witness, there's the poorly stuff but she's not angry like she can be sometimes which is much easier to live with.  We've managed five and half hours sleep too which is brilliant.  I do sleep with one eye open now, I knew she was awake before she did I think but I actually relaxed last night as the night before I honestly didn't, I thought she was gonna die on me!  It's a strange way to feel, after all we're all gonna die aren't we and I have come to peace with mom passing, it'll be a blessing when it's time but how I felt Friday night was fear that I'd not know what to do if she was in distress.  I've processed it now, when it happens, I'll deal, no point thinking about it beforehand. 

Well we've done poo and death, here's to a lovely Sunday!  We're sat watching The Voice at 5am and we're going to spend the day relaxing watching tv, crocheting and I'll make mom as comfortable as possible whilst we do it.

 It's all about the fibre in this house today, she's just had a couple of slices of fruit toast (2.4g fibre), Government guidelines published in July 2015 say our dietary fibre intake should increase to 30g a day, as part of a healthy balanced diet. As most adults are only eating an average of about 18g day, we need to find ways of increasing our intake.  I sprinkled some chai seeds on to the toast, they are high in fibre, mainly insoluble fibre, but about 3% of the total fibre content consists of soluble fiber.   Soluble fiber absorbs water to form a gel, which can help ot ease constipation.  Worth a shot! 

Berries are another great way to get fibre in your diet and i've just realised I have some frozen ones, I'm also going to try and get her to have beans on toast later, there's 7.4g in a small can of WW beans which are the ones I know I have in the cupboard.  

I need to get some figs and pears because she likes them, then we could get a tin of prunes and see if she'll give them a go.  Then she's drinking water which will always help! 

We all need to make sure we're getting enough fibre, there's strong evidence that eating plenty of fibre (commonly referred to as roughage) is associated with a lower risk of heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes and bowel cancer.

Choosing foods with fibre also makes us feel fuller, while a diet rich in fibre can help digestion and prevent constipation.

It's important to get fibre from a variety of sources, as eating too much of one type of food may not provide you with a healthy balanced diet.  Here's how you could increase your fibre intake:

Choose a higher-fibre breakfast cereal such as plain wholewheat biscuits (like Weetabix) or plain shredded whole grain (like Shredded wheat), or porridge as oats are also a good source of fibre.

Go for wholemeal or granary breads, or higher fibre white bread, and choose wholegrains like wholewheat pasta, bulgur wheat or brown rice.

Go for potatoes with their skins on, such as a baked potato or boiled new potatoes.

Add pulses like beans, lentils or chickpeas to stews, curries and salads.

Include plenty of vegetables with meals, either as a side dish or added to sauces, stews or curries.

Have some fresh or dried fruit, or fruit canned in natural juice for dessert.

For snacks, try fresh fruit, vegetable sticks, rye crackers, oatcakes and unsalted nuts or seeds.

Here's what a day of meals could look like to get enough fibre in your day.

Fibre at breakfast
Two thick slices of wholemeal toasted bread (6.5g of fibre) topped with one sliced banana (1.4g) and a small glass of fruit smoothie drink (1.5g) will give you around 9.4g of fibre.

Fibre at lunch
A baked jacket potato with the skin on (2.6g) with a 200g portion of reduced-sugar and reduced-salt baked beans in tomato sauce (9.8g) followed by an apple (1.2g) will give you around 13.6g of fibre.

Fibre at dinner
Mixed vegetable tomato-based curry cooked with onion and spices (3.3g) with wholegrain rice (2.8g) followed by a lower fat fruit yoghurt (0.4g) will give you around 6.5g of fibre. Bear in mind that fruit yoghurts can sometimes be high in added sugars, so check the label and try to choose lower-sugar versions.

Fibre as a snack
A small handful of nuts can have up to 3g of fibre. Make sure you choose unsalted nuts, such as plain almonds, without added sugars.

Total: Around 32.5g of fibre

I got all that gumph from Live Well - NHS (www.nhs.uk) there's loads of good stuff there. 

Right I'm gonna get back to my crochet and finish watching the voice, whatever you do, enjoy your day. 

Mwah, luv ya

Love me x

Saturday, 20 February 2021

And she's home

Saturday 20th February 2021 
One person can make a difference and everyone should try.

Yep a new day and mom is home, even if it did take all day to get her here.  I had a call yesterday morning from the consultant who was due to do the camera down moms throat and he wanted to talk to me about the pros and cons, his concerns and because he has already seen my concerns regarding this procedure, to here him say, "I'm glad we're on the same page" was such a relief but I also appreciated his absolute honesty, mom is not going to get better.  Her stomach problems, her hiatus hernia is really now beyond repair, doing the procedure could've actually created more problems so it wasn't worth risking but again as he confirmed, "one day she will be sick, fluid will go into her lungs and she will die".   Until then, she will be loved at home by me and taken care of, but boy do I realise that's not going to be easy at all! 

We've had a bit of a rough night, her bowels aren't working how she'd like them too and she gets obsessed by that, but she had been given iron through an IV before she was discharged, I've been given a bag of drugs, some of them new ones that I'm going to go and try and get my head round this morning and I'm going to have to try and make sure she doesn't eat / drink too much too often so that she's not too poorly too soon.

I stayed in the chair for a few hours when she first got into bed because I was concerned she was going to start choking, possibly die or fall out the bed, be disorientated, oh I don't know I was just worried because she looked so frail and was so confused, more so than before. I know she's going to die - hell we all are, but I don't know if it's days, weeks, months or years away.  Because of what's happened this week, I've been thinking it's imminent, the truth is I don't know do I.  I'm not gonna lie, there was one point when I'd struggled to get her to the toilet and she was sat there struggling to do her thing, that I thought 'have I made a huge mistake wanting her home, can I do this?' Then I reminded myself, I've been doing this for years, I've just not paid attention to what it was I was doing and the only thing that's changed is she's had a week in hospital.

I did manage to go and lie down for few hours and sleep, she only woke me a few times for trips to the toilet and although when she initially got into bed she was unsettled she's now sleeping peacefully next to me, letting her mug of tea go cold yet again.  

I'm in for a tough time I think!  Thankfully she's all I need to focus on, I just hope I can still continue to get UW appointments here and there to top up my finances, so please if you or anyone you know wants their bills looking at and help making your life simpler, give me a shout, it'll help to keep me sane too having interaction.

I'm also going to help Gail raise some much needed funds for this wonderful charity, having looked at their website, I'd even have a dog if I could, they really do deserve a break.  I remember when we were in Corfu, how upset mom was about how they treat their dogs and there are a lot of places in Europe that are the same.  Mom absolutely loves animals and when I told her yesterday what we were doing she was thrilled.  Initially I'd hoped to get a plaque on one of the kennels with her name on. 
After speaking to Gail, she told me how they are building a sanctuary and there are lemon groves that the dogs will sit for hours to get out of the midday sun, she suggested they name one of these groves after mom, so I have some serious fundraising to do!  

Yesterday I raffled of a chenille blanket which raised £100 and was won by Jolie.  I have another one which has been made by Sheila (Rosie Harris) and donated for me to raffle, look at it, how clever is she, such patience, time and attention needed to create this! 

So very clever!  So If you'd like a number, paypal is bev_ww@yahoo.co.uk or message me for my bank details. £2 a ticket 1-50 (numbers 18 & 21 have already gone!) she missed the first one but wasn't missing the second lol.

Now here's a thought, if there's a blanket you'd like crocheting to your choice of colour and design and are willing to pay for it, I'm willing to make it and all the profit will go to the charity, I make a mean baby blanket or granny squares retro one.  If I already have the yarn, happy days or you can supply the yarn of your choice and I'll do the rest for an agreed cost.  No mohair, turns out I have an allergy to it and it brings me out in a nasty rash.

Here's hoping she has a good day, a settled day, Alfie has slept by her all night, he's much happier, can you believe how spoilt he is compared to how badly treated these other dogs are. 

Have a great day folks, I feel like my heart has been returned, I think I've been holding my breathe since Tuesday, my body is in pain from being so tense, hopefully that will ease a little now. 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx