Beverley has prepared the content of Bev's World irresponsibly and carelessly. She therefore disclaims all warranties, express or implied, as to the accuracy, originality or completeness of the drivel presented on this blog or on other linked websites or on any subsequent links. She vehemently denies that the information may be relied upon for any reason. Beverley shall not be liable for inflicting laughter, shame, disgust, torrents of tears and the eventual desiccation or crashing boredom on readers.
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Sunday, 28 February 2021
Saturday, 27 February 2021
Smile moments from yesterday!
1) Receiving an email to say a partner in my team had been promoted.
2) Sunshine on my face in the morning whilst walking Alfie.
3) My sister managing to calm my mom down and bring her back into the room after 12 sleepless hours.
4) My bestie coming out with the best one liner that made me laugh out loud every time I thought about it.
5) Having a lovely meandering walk at lunchtime along the canal with Alfie.
6) The ducks on the canal.
7) Great news from my bestie that she's got a second interview for a job that has her name all over it!
8) Mom finally sleeping after 24 hours even if it was whilst I was out walking!
9) Enjoying the Amerylis I've grown, magestic red flowers.
10) Chicken dinner with leftovers from yesterday, added carrots, asparagus and yorkies.
11) The Crocus in the grass on my walk.
12) The sneaky Chinese takeaway I decided to order.
13) Eating cold egg fried rice at 1am, 2am, 3am.
14) Mom getting some sleep.
15) The mug of tea in my hand as I type (Well I put it back down when I type).
16) My little dog sleeping at my feet.
17) Knowing their are painkillers to be taken in the kitchen when I get up.
There you go, life ain't all bad I could probably more than double the length of the crap moments from yesterday but why bother, they happened, they've gone, this month is almost done and we've made it through and the sun is starting to shine so Spring is on it's way. Spring is my most very favourite time of year, it brings with it hope for better days, it's also the most amazing time of year to walk, not too hot and the flowers are all starting to do their thing, just incredible.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, if we were to put some of the moments of what's happening in this house into a book or a play, people would think it was far fetched, it's just too crazy to be true, honestly. At the same time, if you were watching it and not living it, there's a sick humour too it, watching my sister finally calm my mom down and get her to believe that I am Beverley, then to hear her from the kitchen say to my sister who's name is Anne just in case you don't know, "Have you met the other one, Anne? She's a funny un, comes round and just sits there doesn't say a word", and Anne's sitting there listening saying, 'yeah, I know Anne really well!'. Or the night before when seriously there was absolutely no sleep taken in this house, I was crying, I was that tired, I went down, tried to settle her for the umpteenth, then say, 'okay, I'm going to go and get some sleep myself mom, because I really need to sleep.' Then I'd get back in bed and hear an almighty clatter, so I'd jump out of bed thinking she'd had an accident, only to find her picking up the biscuit tin lid which she'd dropped on the floor, our flour is ceramic tiles! She did that a few times, she must have liked the noise it made because by the time I was back in bed, she was playing the drums by slapping her hands on her legs, then to make it a bit more melodic she started clapping and singing, now this is 2am, my eyes are on sticks, I'm almost white coat worthy, even perfected my rocking motion but it sounds like a band rehearsal downstairs. I give up on any chance of sleep, what's the point, it's not going to happen and it's winding me up trying, plus now she's talking to someone that isn't there, so I go and sit in the living room where I can see with my own eyes where all the noises are happening.
She's now having a conversation with a group of people on the single bed in the living room, at one point she chatted with Trump (yes the Trump) and Simon Cowell
At one point I'd try to say to mom, that I was beyond tired and if I didn't get some sleep, I was gonna have some kind of meltdown, her response to my 'behaviour' through the night was suggesting I pull myself together or they'd lock me up in an institution! Telling me not to worry because her mom would be back at the weekend and have to kids!
This was right before it started 'raining in the front room' apparently and those people on her bed were gonna get wet, bare in mind this is about 3 or 4 am, and I've had exactly zero hours sleep since the previous night.
This was when my bestie had started messaging me because she knew I was awake and I started regailing to her what had happened through the night, when I got to the tin lids, hand slapping and clapping part, her reply, which makes me chuckle every time I read it was;
Oh give her some spoons & shes a 1 man fkin band!
GENIUS right there, pure genius, I went from a woman on the edge to it's all okay, I can handle this shit.
And as if by psychic magic, that was the moment mom started singing, proving yep she was a one man band!
This was when she started talking to the 'other' Bev on the bed (not there obviously) telling her, that I wasn't me, and of course that other Bev wasn't responding.
Seriously, you couldn't make that shit up could ya!
On a serious note, how bloody horrid must it be for her to be trapped in that mind, her brain is broken, today my body feels like it's broken, I don't think there's much of it that does hurt. Why? Because early last night mom decided to go upstairs to bed, there's no arguing with her so I had to walk behind to make sure I caught her if she stumbled, we did get 2 hours sleep I think before she woke up ready to get up and start her day around half ten last night. I tried for an hour or a bit more to get her back into bed, she'd get back in then ten minutes later, 'right I'm getting up', then we had a toilet accident, which gutted me because her room is the only room with carpet, I can't wait to rip it up and throw it in a skip. On the bright side it was a number one, I don't think there was any number two left, we'd had that leave the body and go everywhere throught the previous 24 hours, thankfully in the wetroom, so horrid to clean up but all tiled. Who knew the highlight of my days some days would be knowing it's only on tiles!
It's now around midnight and I know attempting to settle her downstairs and me go upstairs is going to result in a replay of the night before, she's not getting in the single bed in the living room, not a chance in hell, so I do! I'm thinking if she can see me, it might be half the battle. I'd tried sleeping in my chair and woke up with my back in bits and a crick in my neck. The hospital bed wasn't much better to be fair, which is why I'm now sitting here typing longing for drugs as my body is in painful bits. We haven't of course had 5 uninterrupted hours, there was the picnic she had first, oh yeah, biscuit tin lid solo, the crisp packets (3 packets opened at once), cereal bars, playing in the percussion section of the Hilary orchestra, plus there's a very melodic tune to be played on either a walking stick or walking frame being banged on tile floors.
A few more trips to the toilet for her, whilst I stood eating cold egg fried rice - as you do, I'm now completely immune to anything that comes out of her body, I can wipe it up mid meal, mostly because I've had no choice, she seems to time that too, I sit down with my dinner, she shits herself.
See it would make the most hilarious book. Thankfully, most of the time I'm able to laugh through it. But there's nothing worse that the 10% of the time that I can't and someone (change the word ONE for any of the words you believe me to be really thinking!) says 'stay strong' that's my personal particular least favourite comment in the world when I'm absolutely on my knees, crying from exhaustion and trying to get somewhere that clearly can't be gotten. There's also the wonderful comments and suggestions that I obviously haven't thought of - they all come from a place of love and when I'm rational they're all warmly accepted but when I'm unstable, you're all twats! There I've said it ;)
And don't even get me started on doctors, receptionists and drugs because that is farcical but let's just say, it's given me one more issue to sort, still not sorted which I will now blame for the fact I'm sat eating prawn crackers at 6.57am in the morning. I don't even like prawn crackers, I'm allergic to prawns so let's establish they're obviously isn't any prawns in them because I'm still breathing (sadly - joking, I'm not suicidal)
What will today bring? I've got some work to do, so let's see how that goes, I was being able to sit next to mom whilst doing it, but at the moment that's not really working, especially after being on a support appointment the other day, when she prompty states, "Bev, I need a shit"! Hence why my sisters going to come round in future and I'll just do less appointments, which is a bloody shame because I was really enjoying doing it and helping lots of people but we can still do it, just slower, or I'll get one of my team to help potential customers who contact me.
She's actually sat next to me snoozing right now, I love these moments, just wished I could've slept longer myself but I was so bloody uncomfortable. 51 years old and sleeping in the same room as my mother, now there's something ain't it.
If this blog doesn't make you realise life is precious, then nothing will. Eat the cake (but not all the time because diet does contribute to dementia and we don't bloody want that!), if you can afford it - spend it, don't stay in a job you absolutely hate, only work the hours you need to work to pay for the stuff you need and want. Have less stuff, seriously do you need the lastest phone, the biggest tv or a new ornament. Remember we don't pay for things with money, we pay for them with hours from our life we work to earn that month.
When this is all over, and I'm no longer lying, I'm hoping that's sooner rather than later, I plan to only work as much as I need to, I want to spend my hours relaxing in my garden, walking the local footpaths, fields and towpaths, making my garden pretty once more, decorating my own house slowly because I'll have the time and it'll be cheaper to do it myself. There's nothing I want more than a simple life, to be able to watch a movie on the tele, nip to the shops because I need a load (bugga I do actually need a loaf), take Alfie out when he asks me to. Sounds like bliss.
Go enjoy your day, give those you love a hug (if you can) a virtual hug if you can't and take care of you because we're all important.
Mwah, luv ya
Love me xx
Friday, 26 February 2021
Thursday, 25 February 2021
To be honest I'd rather be drinking tea with my unicorn that whatever this Thursday business is because it's been a long day, says me at 7am lol!
My life's a bit sucky at the minute, but I'm thinking about my future and what I want it to look like, I'm sure it'll be a lot longer than June 21 for me but hey, I have my wine, I'll be fine.
Wednesday, 24 February 2021
Tuesday, 23 February 2021
Monday, 22 February 2021
Sunday, 21 February 2021
Saturday, 20 February 2021
Friday, 19 February 2021
Kind words can be short but their echo can be endless.
Appeal and update
We would like to bring you all up to date with where we are with getting the sanctuary open. It has taken us longer than we would have liked due to the on-going Covid and transport situation which have both meant our fundraising and normal donations have seen a dip, but thanks to the previous support received we are happy to say that all the initial works we set out to do will shortly be completed and for the sake of the animals waiting who are desperate for our help we need to get this ball rolling.
For this we need YOUR help
We now have the opportunity to purchase some fantastic cabins which means the sanctuary could open, we already have these 7 pups waiting….. We are looking for help with 4 Blue kennels at a cost of £350 each, these will be used for puppies or animals recovering from illness.
If you would like to donate for one of these wonderful cabins, then a plaque with a name of your choosing will be mounted on it, maybe in memory of a loved one or pet, whatever you choose. Alternatively maybe a few of you would like to share in donating for one and agree on your special name for it, whatever any of our supporters can do to help will enable us to get the sanctuary OPEN to get help to many of the dogs that are desperate.
We also require 3 of the larger green cabins at a cost of £600 each and we are excited and very happy to say that a fabulous supporter who wishes to remain anonymous has come forward and donated for these plus the extra costs to get all the cabins delivered to Fethiye.
If you are able to help please get in touch with me direct via pm or e-mail email@example.com.
If you would like to make a donation you can do so via this paypal link or by bank transfer 30-90-89 37878068
Thursday, 18 February 2021
Wednesday, 17 February 2021
Tuesday, 16 February 2021
Thanks to a wonderful lady I was able to have a short facetime with mom but I'm not gonna lie, that broke me, what is it they say, ignorance is bliss - what you don't know can't hurt you and that's definitely true. Seeing her there, all confused and pissed off, she was talking about not going with 'him' she'd had a bastard for over 30 years, so in her head she was remembering dad and those years were tough enough the first time round without reliving them. She didn't seem to recognise me either but when I lifted Alfie up she knew him, I had to remind myself later that she can be like that at home when I've got Terry on facetime she's been confused over who he is.
Mom's going to be in for a couple of days at least so my plan is to sort my house, I gave the wetroom a deep clean yesterday, floor to ceiling and the living room. Today will be the kitchen and my bedroom, all my clothes are in bin bags because of the move round and I got rid of the cupboard and sideboard to accomodate the bed in the living room, so I need to work out storage in my bedroom. That'll keep me busy today. I have no work today so can focus on the house and take advantage of situation.
I will chill out this afternoon, watch a movie and rest, whilst I can because I have a feeling things will be very difficult when she does come out, it'll take a time to settle her down, if I'm able to at all!
I did do work yesterday too, signed up a new customer and partner, also supported Elle with her customer, I had a busy day actually yesterday, so I will potter doing my tidying today, I do love a tidy house though, not gonna lie.
Have a good day, take care of you and stay safe.
Mwah, luv ya
Love me x
Monday, 15 February 2021
Well no blog yesterday and in case you didn't see from my Facebook page that was because we ended up in A&E. I'll tell you all about it because that will save me talking through it over and over again which is difficult.
Mom called me around 2.30am, nothing new there! But when I got down she said she had a pain in her chest, she said something she'd eaten was stuck. Other than that, she didn't look ill, she sure as hell wasn't acting ill, she was being stroppy with me, so I settled her back down but 40 minutes later she shouldn't me again and I said shall I call a doctor, when she replied yes I knew she wasn't right because she hates the idea of doctors/ambulances/hospitals.
I did the 111, then they put me onto a doctor who then send the Paramedics and they did some tests, her temperature was over 38, her heart was in AF (irregular and often fast heart rhythm), they believed she had an infection and said the pain in her chest could be being caused by all of these things. They agreed to me going because she wouldn't go without me, plus mom has this knack of telling the doctors what she believes will get her out of the situation and back home! When in ambulance and asked about the pain in her chest - she said it had gone!
Once in A&E, they took bloods, did a chest xray, took two Covid tests, the first one came back as negative pretty quicky, this one is being trialled by New Cross and is pretty accurate but because it is a trial they do the second on which takes longer to get the results, I don't know the result of that one still yet.
Mom soon got to the point where she wasn't impressed and wanted to go home, but that wasn't happening! All the hospital staff were wonderful, the doctors very informative, open and honest which was much appreciated by myself.
The chest xray showed lots of fluid on her lungs, a chest inflection and the doctor said her heart was enlarged from heart failure and if they don't sort these things out she'll most likely have a stroke. They let me stay as long as they could until we got mom up onto a ward, the nurses there were great with her too and although she was dreadful, scared and vile at times she was also loving, jolly and funny singing 'Right said fred climbing up the ladder' on her way back from chest xray and flirting with H the porter who managed to cajoal her up to the ward! Thankfully when I left she was okay and I think had met her match in a lady in the opposite bed.
I walked home, I needed to breathe, it was cold but only a couple of miles, I hadn't been back long when the doctor called to update me, they said their plan of action was antibiotics for chest infection and to increase her water tablets. They were going to do a jelly scan of heart and the chest xray had shown there was a shadow on right side which apparently was there 5 years ago but is now bigger, so they’re going to do a ct scan. Her respiratory isn’t good because she keeps taking off her oxygen and her sats drop to 85 and she’s demanding to come home! The doctor also said physio therapist and occupation therapist will be in touch with me in time, but that if her heart fails we both agreed to DNR because of the fragile condition of her body and mind in general.
I had a call around 7ish from the nurse who I'd left mom with and she told me they'd moved her to C24, then I called and spoke to someone on C24 to ask how she was and as expected she was being a bugga, wouldn't let them change her dressings on her leg but did eventually, insisting to go home and apparently hates all five of us for leaving her there!
The doctor who called me yesterday afternoon said their plan of action was antibiotics for chest infection, increase her water tablets. They were going to do a jelly scan of heart and the chest xray had shown there was a shadow on right side which apparently was there 5 years ago but is now bigger, so they’re going to do a scan. Her respiratory isn’t good because she keeps taking off her oxygen and her sats drop to 85. She’s demanding to come home!
Doctor also said physio therapist and occupation therapist will be in touch with me in time, but that if her heart fails we both agreed to DNR because of the condition of her body and mind in general.
I'm not going to lie, when it became obviously around 8am yesterday morning that mom wasn't coming home, I felt a relief in my heart that I may get a full nights, uninterrupted sleep! I also cried seeing how distressed she was at being there and when I got off the phone from agreeing to DNR and hearing how mom was I sobbed uncontrollably until I could barely breathe, but I calmed down and made a cup of tea, lay on her bed in the living room and feel asleep for a couple of hours.
Alfie had I had a meat feast, I cooked a bag of bbq pork ribs and we shared them like savages together with a lovely piece of steak my bestie had bought me, I had mine with mushrooms and bread, alfie had his plain lol.
He's snoozing at my feet right now, content again that I'm home, my sis said he went hysterical at her when she came round yesterday morning after we'd been gone a couple of hours and he sat in the porch until I returned, then barked and bollocked me for leaving!
We've had sleep, I woke a lot, but I've managed 8 hours thankfully. I've got 3 appointments today and a business launch tonight to keep me occupied. I'm hoping to have the energy and desire to do some cleaning and sorting whilst I can because it desparately needs it and I know I'll feel better when it's done.
Whatever happens with mom, it's life, of course I love her and want her to be well, but she's never going to 'get better', she wishes she could die numerous times a week so a part of me yesterday had wished instead of waking up with a pain in her chest that she hadn't woken up. I'd like her to just go to sleep and slip away. At the same time, I don't want her somewhere that's she's scared and unhappy, I'd rather she was here doing my head in.
Oh deep sigh, it's not going to be an easy week is it, but you know what, my mom made me and grew me strong, she brought me up to believe I could handle anything and everything and in the last 51 years, I've done exactly that, so why change now!
Not the valentines day I'd imagined, but one I won't forget in a hurry! It was lovely to know so many people cared and got in touch, thank you for that and apologies if my response was short or ignored, I put my messages on silent in the end so I could sleep, I had to keep the phone on in case the hospital called.
Mwah, luv you
Love me x