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Wednesday, 10 June 2020

Listen to your heart

Wednesday 10th June 2020
It's not what we have but who we have.

Another day, another change to make our own sunshine.  I'm not even recapping over yesterday with mom, instead of focusing on what's going wrong wright now, let's all focus on what's going right.  What are you pleased about, what's working for you?  Who or what are you grateful for?

Me, I'm grateful for my sister who once again dropped everything to come round last night.  I'm grateful for my V who is making me a priority because she knows I probably wouldn't bother if she didn't.  I'm grateful for Sainsbury's who have delivered my food every Tuesday for the last few months.  

I'm pleased about my fruiting eating and yoga doing - not much to some but a big thing for me right now.  I'm grateful for not losing my temper with my dumb dog this morning who refused to get off my yoga mat and thought it was part of the practice to constantly lick my face (I hate being licked btw), I'm thankful that despite everything that's happening in this world and my world, I acknowledged that this little dog just wanted a bit of attention and fuss and the yoga could wait a few minutes or be done slightly differently.  

Earlier in the year I ordered a book by Karen Salmonsohn, Listen to your heart - a line-a-day journal, not realising it wasn't being released until June, well I've had an email to say it's on its way and should be here today.  It's not your typical line a day style diary, every day it asks you something different, so an example is; 

What could someone say to you right now to make you feel stronger and more positive.  Write it down, then say it to yourself -  out loud.

I love that, and do just read it, actually do it, oh and don't tell me you don't have time, how much time do you spend on Facebook, twitter, Instagram, etc just swap one of those minutes to do that.  Now I can honestly say over the last few weeks, whilst out walking V has said lots of things to me that are helping get through all this, mom, covid-19, all of it, she has helped me stay strong and feel positive about the future. 

Another one, probably easier, is 
List 3 things that make you smile.  Commit on this page to experiencing these things more often. 

Again I love this one too, I think I'll be able to actually do this book, they usually end up on my book shelf and never get completed, maybe a page or two gets filled in or I don't start them at al. 

3 things; 

Being outside - walking 
Cooking from scratch (something I've not been doing lately)

OH my, I'm struggling to think of things, how bad is that, I've been stuck in this house with mom so long, I've forgot how to live!

There's obviously things like food, wine, my dog, listening to my audiobooks, but I'm trying to think of 3 things that if I commit to doing them will bring me some additional life satisfaction at what's not the best chapter of my life.  

The third would probably be, being creative, now this is at present mostly my crochet but I like to do other things, such as the cooking, I feel like I've become stagnant, moms unintentionally slowly sucking the life out of me.  I sat next to her yesterday, with so many ideas going round in my mind of things I wanted to do but was scared to move because if I did, she'd wake up and then she wouldn't want me to leave the room anyway.

It wasn't even anything major, just cleaning the house a little, I'd like to try and move my bedroom furniture round a little so I have a slightly bit more room for my yoga, it's a real squeeze where I've got my mat, if she says put my arms out 'Texas' style, one arm has to go under the bed, the other towards the doorway, missing the sharp corner!  I think I'm beginning to realise whether I go and do this things or not, at some point she still ends up being horrid to me or getting stressed or wound up, or distressed, anxious.  I can only do so much to ease her situation.

I've just realised that I'm all for Black Lives Matter but I've forgot that my life matters too, I'm putting my own health and wellbeing, my wants and needs on hold to take care of my mom.   I'm not gonna lie, in my head from when she was diagnosed I always thought it would only be for so long, if you research, they say 10 years max but we've been living with this for almost that long, she had it before we bothered with diagnosis.  Don't get me wrong I'm not wishing her dead but I can't put my life on hold for another 10 years, I'm bloody 50 already, I've already lost my 40's.  It's not like I want to travel the world or fly to the moon.  I just wanna be able to clean the bloody house and cook a damn meal.  I want my va va voom back, there's a difference between inner calm (which I love) and flat, can't be bothered (which I don't love but am experiencing lately). 

I opened a notebook yesterday and it had #MissionMe in the cover, I remember that, it was 2 years ago in May, so I'm going to think about that again.  I've been working on building these healthy habits and this week we're talking planning, obviously that's mostly regarding food but I'm going to start planning to cook a meal from scratch.  I'm also going to stop 'sitting' to keep the calm, I can't live like that anymore.  

Here's to listening to my heart and building some kind of life again, albeit a different one as the futures going to be different for all of us.  #MissionMe

Here's to getting stuff done today!

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

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