End of winter in my mind today is.

Sunday 28th February 2021

A day without tea is like.... just kidding I have no idea!

I've had some sleep thankfully, broken but hey, I'll take sleep in any form it's being thrown at me.  I think, well I hope a lot of people will appreciate so many things more when we come out ofthis pandemic, than they did before we went into it.  Simple things like being able to hug a loved one, visit a friend, stand and chat in the supermarket with a stranger, so many things.  

Even when we're out of lockdown, because of mom, I'll still have restrictions but I'm going to start looking into options for people to come sit with her for an hour here or there if she'll let them, her grand daughters maybe.  Who know's at the moment she's declined so much since coming out of hospital, it's just a battle for me and Anne to make it through the day.  Sundowning is horrid, she suddenly doesn't recognise me and wants to go home, Anne has to come round to calm her and confirm that I am actually Beverley and by the end of that conversation mom no longer hates me but hates Anne instead.  I realised the nice has gone from her, we were having moments of it before, but she's all but gone.  The only kindness I had from her in the last 24 hours was last night when she decided it was bed time she actually said to me, 'you go to bed, you need to sleep', that didn't last of course, as she's become a dab hand at her one man band routine with the biscuit tin lid and other objects that make a crazy noise in the middle of the night, oh and the singing of nursery rhymes from 1am onwards, interspersed with 'Where's the toilet?', 'How do I get out of here?' and other such sentences.  She's in a living hell and it's just not fair on anyone including herself. 

I enjoyed a zoom yesterday morning, you can't beat likeminded people coming together and supporting each other, that set me up for surviving the day.  I've decided the theme for next month for me is 'Make it through March', I'm doing what I can to survive this shite because that's what this house is full of at the minute, phsyically and metorphorically.   

I feel like a broken record, but lol that's what my life is like at the minute, groundhog day, although that's also what most people's lives are like isn't it to be fair.   The highlight of my day will probably be watching the Voice!  

I'm going to start my day with a healthy, delicious breakfast, I'm thinking eggs and spinach, then I'll walk Alfie and spend the rest of the day distracting myself with crochet, crap on the tele, I'll try and spend an hour in the kitchen if she falls asleep this morning, we shall see.  

Meteorological spring starts tomorrow, my favourite time of the year, if I was able, I'd start cleaning up the garden, this year I'd even contemplate growing my own hanging basket flowers but pah, that ain't gonna happen is it!  All these thoughts though, they're what my future is going to be all about, simple and enjoyable, that's how my days after dementia will be.  I have no desire to travel loads, I'd like to go walk along the coastal path and enjoy the sea every now and again or walk up a big hill but otherwise, everything I need will be local to me.  Oh it all emotionally feels like bliss just thinking about it. 

I'd be even happier if my back pain would do one but that's stress related and trying to sleep in stupid positions, so it'll rectify itself over time also. 

I did manage to help a new customer save money yesterday, that's at least a little bit of work I've managed to do this month.  Gutted because I wanted to sign one more homeowner up for all our services to hit my monthly bonus so unless I get one today, that's not going to happne :( those bonuses are being saved for my future!  Oh ma'an how long away is that future.

Stop it Bev, let's stay positive, make it through March and look to see what I can do each day to make it a little more tolerable.  

Enjoy your Sunday, it's forecast another sunny day today which always lifts my mood, I'm hoping Alfie fancies a decent walk and mom's okay with me going for it, I'll listen to my audiobook whilst out and have a little escapism.  Enjoy your day, your way xx

Mwah, luv ya 

Luv me 

A day in the life of......

Saturday 27th February 2021

You didn't go through all this for nothing! 

Smile moments from yesterday!

1) Receiving an email to say a partner in my team had been promoted.

2) Sunshine on my face in the morning whilst walking Alfie.

3) My sister managing to calm my mom down and bring her back into the room after 12 sleepless hours. 

4) My bestie coming out with the best one liner that made me laugh out loud every time I thought about it.

5) Having a lovely meandering walk at lunchtime along the canal with Alfie. 

6) The ducks on the canal.

7) Great news from my bestie that she's got a second interview for a job that has her name all over it!

8) Mom finally sleeping after 24 hours even if it was whilst I was out walking! 

9) Enjoying the Amerylis I've grown, magestic red flowers. 

10) Chicken dinner with leftovers from yesterday, added carrots, asparagus and yorkies.

11) The Crocus in the grass on my walk.

12) The sneaky Chinese takeaway I decided to order.

13) Eating cold egg fried rice at 1am, 2am, 3am.

14) Mom getting some sleep.

15) The mug of tea in my hand as I type (Well I put it back down when I type).

16) My little dog sleeping at my feet. 

17) Knowing their are painkillers to be taken in the kitchen when I get up.

There you go, life ain't all bad I could probably more than double the length of the crap moments from yesterday but why bother, they happened, they've gone, this month is almost done and we've made it through and the sun is starting to shine so Spring is on it's way.  Spring is my most very favourite time of year, it brings with it hope for better days, it's also the most amazing time of year to walk, not too hot and the flowers are all starting to do their thing, just incredible.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if we were to put some of the moments of what's happening in this house into a book or a play, people would think it was far fetched, it's just too crazy to be true, honestly.  At the same time, if you were watching it and not living it, there's a sick humour too it, watching my sister finally calm my mom down and get her to believe that I am Beverley, then to hear her from the kitchen say to my sister who's name is Anne just in case you don't know, "Have you met the other one, Anne?  She's a funny un, comes round and just sits there doesn't say a word", and Anne's sitting there listening saying, 'yeah, I know Anne really well!'.  Or the night before when seriously there was absolutely no sleep taken in this house, I was crying, I was that tired, I went down, tried to settle her for the umpteenth, then say, 'okay, I'm going to go and get some sleep myself mom, because I really need to sleep.' Then I'd get back in bed and hear an almighty clatter, so I'd jump out of bed thinking she'd had an accident, only to find her picking up the biscuit tin lid which she'd dropped on the floor, our flour is ceramic tiles!  She did that a few times, she must have liked the noise it made because by the time I was back in bed, she was playing the drums by slapping her hands on her legs, then to make it a bit more melodic she started clapping and singing, now this is 2am, my eyes are on sticks, I'm almost white coat worthy, even perfected my rocking motion but it sounds like a band rehearsal downstairs.  I give up on any chance of sleep, what's the point, it's not going to happen and it's winding me up trying, plus now she's talking to someone that isn't there, so I go and sit in the living room where I can see with my own eyes where all the noises are happening.

She's now having a conversation with a group of people on the single bed in the living room, at one point she chatted with Trump (yes the Trump) and Simon Cowell 

At one point I'd try to say to mom, that I was beyond tired and if I didn't get some sleep, I was gonna have some kind of meltdown, her response to my 'behaviour' through the night was suggesting I pull myself together or they'd lock me up in an institution!  Telling me not to worry because her mom would be back at the weekend and have to kids! 

This was right before it started 'raining in the front room' apparently and those people on her bed were gonna get wet, bare in mind this is about 3 or 4 am, and I've had exactly zero hours sleep since the previous night.   

This was when my bestie had started messaging me because she knew I was awake and I started regailing to her what had happened through the night, when I got to the tin lids, hand slapping and clapping part, her reply, which makes me chuckle every time I read it was; 

Oh give her some spoons & shes a 1 man fkin band!

GENIUS right there, pure genius, I went from a woman on the edge to it's all okay, I can handle this shit.  

And as if by psychic magic, that was the moment mom started singing, proving yep she was a one man band!

This was when she started talking to the 'other' Bev on the bed (not there obviously) telling her, that I wasn't me, and of course that other Bev wasn't responding.  

Seriously, you couldn't make that shit up could ya!

On a serious note, how bloody horrid must it be for her to be trapped in that mind, her brain is broken, today my body feels like it's broken, I don't think there's much of it that does hurt.  Why?  Because early last night mom decided to go upstairs to bed, there's no arguing with her so I had to walk behind to make sure I caught her if she stumbled, we did get 2 hours sleep I think before she woke up ready to get up and start her day around half ten last night.  I tried for an hour or a bit more to get her back into bed, she'd get back in then ten minutes later, 'right I'm getting up', then we had a toilet accident, which gutted me because her room is the only room with carpet, I can't wait to rip it up and throw it in a skip.  On the bright side it was a number one, I don't think there was any number two left, we'd had that leave the body and go everywhere throught the previous 24 hours, thankfully in the wetroom, so horrid to clean up but all tiled.  Who knew the highlight of my days some days would be knowing it's only on tiles! 

It's now around midnight and I know attempting to settle her downstairs and me go upstairs is going to result in a replay of the night before, she's not getting in the single bed in the living room, not a chance in hell, so I do!  I'm thinking if she can see me, it might be half the battle.  I'd tried sleeping in my chair and woke up with my back in bits and a crick in my neck.  The hospital bed wasn't much better to be fair, which is why I'm now sitting here typing longing for drugs as my body is in painful bits.  We haven't of course had 5 uninterrupted hours, there was the picnic she had first, oh yeah, biscuit tin lid solo, the crisp packets (3 packets opened at once), cereal bars, playing in the percussion section of the Hilary orchestra, plus there's a very melodic tune to be played on either a walking stick or walking frame being banged on tile floors.  

A few more trips to the toilet for her, whilst I stood eating cold egg fried rice - as you do, I'm now completely immune to anything that comes out of her body, I can wipe it up mid meal, mostly because I've had no choice, she seems to time that too, I sit down with my dinner, she shits herself.  

See it would make the most hilarious book. Thankfully, most of the time I'm able to laugh through it.  But there's nothing worse that the 10% of the time that I can't and someone (change the word ONE for any of the words you believe me to be really thinking!) says 'stay strong' that's my personal particular least favourite comment in the world when I'm absolutely on my knees, crying from exhaustion and trying to get somewhere that clearly can't be gotten.  There's also the wonderful comments and suggestions that I obviously haven't thought of - they all come from a place of love and when I'm rational they're all warmly accepted but when I'm unstable, you're all twats!  There I've said it ;) 

And don't even get me started on doctors, receptionists and drugs because that is farcical but let's just say, it's given me one more issue to sort, still not sorted which I will now blame for the fact I'm sat eating prawn crackers at 6.57am in the morning.  I don't even like prawn crackers, I'm allergic to prawns so let's establish they're obviously isn't any prawns in them because I'm still breathing (sadly - joking, I'm not suicidal) 

What will today bring?  I've got some work to do, so let's see how that goes, I was being able to sit next to mom whilst doing it, but at the moment that's not really working, especially after being on a support appointment the other day, when she prompty states, "Bev, I need a shit"!  Hence why my sisters going to come round in future and I'll just do less appointments, which is a bloody shame because I was really enjoying doing it and helping lots of people but we can still do it, just slower, or I'll get one of my team to help potential customers who contact me. 

She's actually sat next to me snoozing right now, I love these moments, just wished I could've slept longer myself but I was so bloody uncomfortable.  51 years old and sleeping in the same room as my mother, now there's something ain't it.  

If this blog doesn't make you realise life is precious, then nothing will.  Eat the cake (but not all the time because diet does contribute to dementia and we don't bloody want that!), if you can afford it - spend it, don't stay in a job you absolutely hate, only work the hours you need to work to pay for the stuff you need and want.  Have less stuff, seriously do you need the lastest phone, the biggest tv or a new ornament.  Remember we don't pay for things with money, we pay for them with hours from our life we work to earn that month.

When this is all over, and I'm no longer lying, I'm hoping that's sooner rather than later, I plan to only work as much as I need to, I want to spend my hours relaxing in my garden, walking the local footpaths, fields and towpaths, making my garden pretty once more, decorating my own house slowly because I'll have the time and it'll be cheaper to do it myself.  There's nothing I want more than a simple life, to be able to watch a movie on the tele, nip to the shops because I need a load (bugga I do actually need a loaf), take Alfie out when he asks me to.  Sounds like bliss.

Go enjoy your day, give those you love a hug (if you can) a virtual hug if you can't and take care of you because we're all important. 

Mwah, luv ya

Love me xx

Sleep please

Friday 26th February 2021

Hold on tight, one day it will come right. 

I feel like I'm already tired tomorrow - oh it is tomorrow and I've seen every hour of the night since yesterday because apparently my mom doesn't need sleep, it's her new super power!  I'm not even going to attempt to relive the 8 or 9 hours with you, I just can't and don't want to!  I'm just so tired, even my tired is tired.  The things with dementia is people think they get it, but if you've met one person wit dementia, you've only met one person.  That's because each individual will talk, act, remember and behave differently, not because of what stage of dementia they're at but because of who they are.  Even that person will change day on day or hour to hour and it's really no bloody fun for either the sufferer or the carer.  Oh and she's not constipated any more, it's gone completely the other way - happy days!

On a positive I had a few hours that were bearable yesterday, I even had a walk with Alfie over the park which was lovely, whilst my mate Elle let me offload without giving me 'solutions'.  I also cooked me some proper food and drunk a bottle of pink prosecco for a change to red, Aldi £6.99 very nice indeed.  Oh and the other thing I'm really, truly grateful for is that the three people mom's been having a conversation with all night aren't actually here and this isn't a ward at New Cross like she thinks it is.  

Let's think about the future, I know most of you are looking forward to meeting up with your friends, I'm looking forward to a time when I can leave the room without being called back and asked 'where are you going?', a time when I can walk my dog whenever I choose, go and sit in the back garden because the suns come out.  I look forward to one day seeing the sea again and walking the coastal path.  Even to sit and eat a meal in it's entirity without any disturbance, to being able to sit in silence comfortably on my own - oh yes so many little things I long for.

Until then, I'll make it through another day and hope she goes to sleep tonight, what's really sad is a part of me hopes she doesn't wake up the morning after.  I don't think I'm the only carer of someone with dementia who feels that way because with all her other problems, I can honestly say, if she was a horse they'd have shot her by now.   I read on Dementia groups that people have lost their loved ones and I'm a little jealous because I'm sat here next to the women who's been my mom, my best friend, my hero and all that's left is a shell that looks a little like her, my mom was stolen away a long, long time ago.  How cruel is nature to allow this to happen. 

Today I will make it my mission to write down as many positives as I can so if you come back tomorrow to suffer more of my blog, you might actually read something that's a little more uplifting!  

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger they say don't they!  I must be the bloody terminator by now ;)

Mwah, luv ya

Love me 

 

I'm living the high life right here.

Thursday 25th February 2021

Compassion is so often the solution. 

To be honest I'd rather be drinking tea with my unicorn that whatever this Thursday business is because it's been a long day, says me at 7am lol!  

That's my attempt at trying to look on the bright side this morning after another shitty day yesterday, let's think what were the highlights, 

- Having a new mattress delivered for moms bed to realise it had a motor that sounds like someones mowing the lawn (moms words, but she's not wrong).

- Having the GP reject moms prescription request because the drugs on discharge at the hospital had mixed up the dose (which I'd spent a good while the day before sorting with said hospital), then being told by their receptionist in a 'tone' that I'd need to go back to the hospital and get them to let the doctor know of said error meaning I'd have to talk to the receptionist on C24 who absolutely loves me - NOT!  Compassion is the keyword needed in receptionist training.  That was a ball ache I could've done without, all those phone calls, listening to the 3 minute message saying 'if you've got corona symptoms' before you even get to press an option for the GP - why doesn't it say 'if you haven't got corona symptoms press 1 if you have listen to the following options and save everyone hours of their life!  

- Having mom stress that I'm putting her in care or back in hospital because I'm spending so much time on the phone trying to sort her drugs! 

- Listening to my mom say 'I'm not sleeping in that bed' even after I'd put new teddy bear bedding on it!

- Repackaging said bedding up cos there's no way on gods earth she's sleeping in it.

- Watching her sleeping in her chair because even with her old bedding she still wasn't going to sleep in a bed with an engine!

- Ah, I won't even inflict the toilet business on you because that's just special!

- Being interrogated every time I attenmpt to leave the room, 'where you going?'

- Imagine how that went down when I had to leave the house to go for my jab!  

- Having Alfie wake me up for an hour at 2am because mom hadn't woke me up for half hour!

There's so many more magical moments but I'll not continue, you'll end up jealous and we wouldn't want that now would we!

I have had my jab now and the only side effect has been waking up feeling like someone had thumped me really hard in the arm, like when you were at school and the sadist in you used to do the dead arm to each other.  I'll take that pain for the chance of getting my life back.

Things that made me smile yesterday....

My dumb ass brother saying he'd have some more raffle tickets but that he wanted prime numbers only - seriously, you gotta love him. 

A lovely lady gifting me 2 audiobooks, what a lovely gesture and another lovely lady leaving cake in the porch, and another sending me wine by bank transfer.  Now if one of you can send me a magic sleeping formula for mom that would be appreciated muchly!   

Anyone who's ever done this caring for a loved one crap will either understand this next bit or not, I don't know if it's different if they haven't got dementia but I can hand on heart say I love my mom more than words can say, but when the dementia kicks in I really don't.  I'm seeing her in such emotional pian, such confusion it's heartbreaking and I do wake up in the middle of the night and a part of me hopes she doesn't because most of the time she's in a living hell, she doesn't know where she is but she knows it's not a nice place at all,

I'm not after sympathy, but what I would like is for you to make sure you do everything you can in your power to live your best life, to do everything (when possible) you've ever wanted to. 

February sucks at the best of times, this year more than ever because of everything that the last year has thrown at us.  We're all drained, tired and fed up of saying 'I miss you' or 'I can't wait till this is all over and we can get together'.  People have gone quiet because we're just trying to get through the day.  

Let's hang in there, when we're ready, we'll all come out of this and as Boris said, the dates are on the horizon and I can't wait; 

My life's a bit sucky at the minute, but I'm thinking about my future and what I want it to look like, I'm sure it'll be a lot longer than June 21 for me but hey, I have my wine, I'll be fine.  

I've got work to do today, first time since mom was hospitalised, I need to get back to it, I will go completely mad if I don't do something, so please book your appointments with me to help keep me sane!

Here's to a calmer day hopefully, I need to get this mattress taken back I think, it's no point having something she won't lie in and having something in the living making that news wasn't much fun for me either to be honest, I could even hear it when I went up to bed.

Have a day, lol, whatever kind of day you need to have.  

Luv ya 

Love me xx

 

Happy Hump Day!

Wednesday 24th February2021

Inhale - Exhale (That's how you'll get through!)

I've got my jab today!  I'm not gonna lie, I am apprehensive, but mostly because I'm scared of needles, but also because a few people have said it knocked them about for 24-48 hours and I've got enough on my plate at the minute without feeling shocking, probably not the greatest idea for my sister and I to have the jab on the same day DOH but I'm taking comfort in the fact when mom had hers she didn't seemed phased by it at all and no side effects shown.  

Well yesterday I had a text message to rearrange an appointment, which is never a problem, what worried me was I didn't remember making the appointment, it wasn't in my diary and I had no recollection of this person.  Now I know I have a lot on my plate at the moment but this scared me, even to the point where I thought, am I drinking too much and I've had a black out!   I even messaged them to check and they replied we'd had a phone conversation about it!  Fast forward to that afternoon and I have a call from a UW partner saying some how this person was her customer but had my number, I worked it out, I'd supported them on a call and the customer had both of our numbers so had mixed them up.  I've never been so relieved if I'm honest, it really concerned me. 

Positives from yesterday, this worked for mom, I may be able to have a new career in care after what I've done the last week; 

She's slept a little better too, I've had to get up and go down to settle her as you can see from my sleep pattern, but she's settled easier and known a little more where she is, because she thinks she's in hospital some times still, I guess a bed in the living room is confusing, she's on a private ward at least lol.  

I had these for tea last night, they were really tasty, and only 299 calories or 11SP if you're following WW so I won't lie if I was 'dieting' I wouldn't spend 11SP on them but 299 calories I would.  I'm in a quandary at the moment about losing weight and 'dieting'.   I have enough on my plate without thinking about how much I weigh, at the same time I want to be healthy, so I feel I want to stop and breathe and see what happens naturally for a while whilst being aware of my behaviour.  I want to get to know the me that exists without 'plans' 'diets' or anything inbetween, I want to see how Bev will behave with no constraints and it'll take longer than a week or two to do that.  At first they'll be the 'ooo I can eat anything' period, but already I've noticed that wearing off, I craved vegetables the other day and thoroughly enjoyed them.  Not going to supermarkets over the last year has really helped take away tempation because I forget those foods exist.  I'm going to work my way through my freezer again as I've had a quiet work month with mom being poorly and more demanding so I need to keep my eye on my finances.  

I'm having a battle with the front door this morning, the lock keeps bleeping, I've tried changing the battery but it's still doing it, not what I need today! Hey Ho, something else to sort - wish me luck!

Here's to getting through the day, and if that's all I accomplish, that's absolutely OKAY!  

Do what you can to enjoy your day, 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me x

Officinaphobia!

Tuesday 23rd February2021

Worrying is like praying for what you don't want. 

Yesterday I finally went to the supermarket, it's been over a year since I last did and I needed something Sunday to help mom go to the toilet and my sister suggested I go to Aldi, instantly I said no, I'm okay thanks.  I realised later that there was a bit of fear around returning to 'normal' life of going to the shops after almost a year of not doing.  Officinaphobia is what it's called apparently, a fear of going to the shops, it's a branch of agoraphobia and I was in danger of developing the condition.  When Anne popped round yesterday with my portion of the best damn lasagne in the world, I asked her if she'd sit with mom whilst I went to Aldi, that fear needing nipping in the back and it was quite surreal.  It felt a bit like when you go abroad and have to drive on the opposite side of the road, new and different and weird.  It was safe and painless and cheaper compared to online shopping.  

Mom's had her first covid jab a few weeks ago and I've got mine tomorrow, finally seeing light at the end of this nightmare.  I haven't watched the news really regarding the changes but seen a couple of things on facebook, I want to have a couple of mates in my back garden for a drink, I think I can do that by the end of March!  

Just looking so yeah, these are dates that are relevant for me; 

29 March - People will be allowed to meet outside, either with one other household or within the "rule of six", including in private gardens.

No earlier than 17 May: People can meet in groups of up to 30 outdoors  (I'm thinking a walk with a few people would be amazing here!)

What's interesting here is I and others was obviously made redundant in December from WW and we had contractual restrictions to stop us working in the same field, I will be free of those ties on May 21st 2021, which is perfect when you look at the roadmap out of lockdown if we were going to do something ourselves!

Back to the now though, we had another unsettled night, I'm going to start staying up later I think because she's has me up and down every 15 minutes and gets very anxious, so I'll stay downstairs until I feel she's settled.  I've got used to being awake around 2 or 3am, but today we've got to sleep till almost 7am so I've managed 7 hours so it's all good in the end. 

I spent some time on the phone to the hospital and doctor yesterday trying to sort moms meds as they'd been adjusted in hospital and I didn't agree with all the changes, they were great, accidents do happen and it's now resolved.  I rang our surgery because of moms toilet problems and she was amazing the doctor, she called me back within 5 minutes gave me a few ideas, said what I was doing would help and also prescribed a mini enema which I'm going to see how she is today, she did manage to go yesterday, not loads (sorry for the theme of this conversation but it is my life at the moment), I don't want her to have to endure any more than she already has.  She's weak and she feels really scared, she's told me this morning she's scared of dying and doesn't like being left alone.  I've found a note she's written in the night;

Bloody heartbreaking!  

 

Therefore today, I'm going to do everything in my power to lift her spirits, she's happily sat eating fruit toast with butter and chai seeds on at the minutes with a mug of tea, the conversations a bit morbid but we can work on talking her out of that.  

My days are all a blur, highlights of yesterday was a socially distanced 20 minute walk with V, realising the temperature has warmed up a little and spring is on the horizon, my favourite time of year, hearing mom chuckle and seeing her snoozing calmly, however glimpsing.  Oh and my sisters lasagne, I'm sat eating the other bit now for my breakfast ;) I'm having a fk it February food wise I'm not gonna lie, if I fancy it, I'm having it. I'm not eating just crap, it's good food mostly, I'll have a mindful March, get back to planning my meals and eating healthy portions especailly as if we're being let out of lockdown, I need to get back in my clothes!

Here's to getting through the day at the moment and taking those smile moments when they appear.

Mwah, luv ya

Love me xx

Here's to looking for

Another week, let's survive it!

Monday 22nd February 2021

Merry Monday and a happy new week.  

Yesterday was a day of two halves, the bits where mom and I had a sing song and a couple of lovely hours were wonderful.  The health issues side, not so great, oh then there's the not sleeping thing.  If Fitbit was a person, I'd have wanted to punch it in the face this morning when it showed this message as I opened the app; 

Wouldn't it be wonderful to go to bed and get up at the same time every day, can Fitbit tell my mom that, we had a dreadful night, every one of those 'awake' moments was me coming down to try and calm her down and sort her out.  I'd argue that the sleep was as much as it says as just because you're lying flat with your eyes closed doesn't mean your asleep!  I am rested though thankfully, unlike at half one this morning when I was sat in the living room next to mom messaging a mate and sorting my banking, see that's why I know these graphs are wrong because I was downstairs till half two so don't believe everything your fitbit tells you folks!  

 

Anyway, happier things to focus on that happened yesterday, another £100 raised on a blanket raffle, just amazing, I have another one ready to raffle too, look at this 36inch square beauty, again truly talented Rosie Harris (Sheila), that's a heck of a lot of work there! 

 

If you want a £2 ticket or two before I post in on Facebook message me xx 

This beautiful bulb was a Christmas gift and I've lovingly watered it since then and this is my reward, there's on the other side abou to open too.  

  

Then the wonderful Nicki made me a big beef dinner, it was bloody delicious, I inhaled it if I'm honest, you can't beat a good Sunday roast. 

My goals for the last week of this month is to survive it!  I'm putting no pressure on myself to do anything other than care for mom, walk Alfie and hopefully get a bit of UW work to keep me going.  

I've got a baby blanket to make, although I'm not sure if I have enough white yarn to do one, I have a couple of different creams that would be enough but they wanted white, so we shall see.  

I need more caffiene today, horrid wet day out there too so I'm happy to stay home with a cuppa and my crochet!  Hope you've got something to look forward to in the day ahead, I'm going to go and plan a tasty breakfast I think, that'll make me smile.

Have a great day, 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me 

It's all about the poo!

Sunday 21st February 2021

A Sunday well spent, brings a week of content.

Bless my mom, all she wants is a poo and her bum hurts lol, but as she said half hour ago, she's lucky to be loved and looked after and no one ever died cos they couldn't poo.  Morning :) now that's a lovely way to start a blog ain't it, but at least I'm not going to go into detail over the last few hours, so be thankful. 

It's so lovely to see her home and settled, she's in a happy place since coming home which is wonderful to witness, there's the poorly stuff but she's not angry like she can be sometimes which is much easier to live with.  We've managed five and half hours sleep too which is brilliant.  I do sleep with one eye open now, I knew she was awake before she did I think but I actually relaxed last night as the night before I honestly didn't, I thought she was gonna die on me!  It's a strange way to feel, after all we're all gonna die aren't we and I have come to peace with mom passing, it'll be a blessing when it's time but how I felt Friday night was fear that I'd not know what to do if she was in distress.  I've processed it now, when it happens, I'll deal, no point thinking about it beforehand. 

Well we've done poo and death, here's to a lovely Sunday!  We're sat watching The Voice at 5am and we're going to spend the day relaxing watching tv, crocheting and I'll make mom as comfortable as possible whilst we do it.

 It's all about the fibre in this house today, she's just had a couple of slices of fruit toast (2.4g fibre), Government guidelines published in July 2015 say our dietary fibre intake should increase to 30g a day, as part of a healthy balanced diet. As most adults are only eating an average of about 18g day, we need to find ways of increasing our intake.  I sprinkled some chai seeds on to the toast, they are high in fibre, mainly insoluble fibre, but about 3% of the total fibre content consists of soluble fiber.   Soluble fiber absorbs water to form a gel, which can help ot ease constipation.  Worth a shot! 

Berries are another great way to get fibre in your diet and i've just realised I have some frozen ones, I'm also going to try and get her to have beans on toast later, there's 7.4g in a small can of WW beans which are the ones I know I have in the cupboard.  

I need to get some figs and pears because she likes them, then we could get a tin of prunes and see if she'll give them a go.  Then she's drinking water which will always help! 

We all need to make sure we're getting enough fibre, there's strong evidence that eating plenty of fibre (commonly referred to as roughage) is associated with a lower risk of heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes and bowel cancer.

Choosing foods with fibre also makes us feel fuller, while a diet rich in fibre can help digestion and prevent constipation.

It's important to get fibre from a variety of sources, as eating too much of one type of food may not provide you with a healthy balanced diet.  Here's how you could increase your fibre intake:

Choose a higher-fibre breakfast cereal such as plain wholewheat biscuits (like Weetabix) or plain shredded whole grain (like Shredded wheat), or porridge as oats are also a good source of fibre.

Go for wholemeal or granary breads, or higher fibre white bread, and choose wholegrains like wholewheat pasta, bulgur wheat or brown rice.

Go for potatoes with their skins on, such as a baked potato or boiled new potatoes.

Add pulses like beans, lentils or chickpeas to stews, curries and salads.

Include plenty of vegetables with meals, either as a side dish or added to sauces, stews or curries.

Have some fresh or dried fruit, or fruit canned in natural juice for dessert.

For snacks, try fresh fruit, vegetable sticks, rye crackers, oatcakes and unsalted nuts or seeds.

 

Here's what a day of meals could look like to get enough fibre in your day.

Fibre at breakfast

Two thick slices of wholemeal toasted bread (6.5g of fibre) topped with one sliced banana (1.4g) and a small glass of fruit smoothie drink (1.5g) will give you around 9.4g of fibre.

Fibre at lunch

A baked jacket potato with the skin on (2.6g) with a 200g portion of reduced-sugar and reduced-salt baked beans in tomato sauce (9.8g) followed by an apple (1.2g) will give you around 13.6g of fibre.

Fibre at dinner

Mixed vegetable tomato-based curry cooked with onion and spices (3.3g) with wholegrain rice (2.8g) followed by a lower fat fruit yoghurt (0.4g) will give you around 6.5g of fibre. Bear in mind that fruit yoghurts can sometimes be high in added sugars, so check the label and try to choose lower-sugar versions.

Fibre as a snack

A small handful of nuts can have up to 3g of fibre. Make sure you choose unsalted nuts, such as plain almonds, without added sugars.

Total: Around 32.5g of fibre

I got all that gumph from Live Well - NHS (www.nhs.uk) there's loads of good stuff there. 

Right I'm gonna get back to my crochet and finish watching the voice, whatever you do, enjoy your day. 

Mwah, luv ya

Love me x

And she's home

Saturday 20th February 2021 

One person can make a difference and everyone should try.

Yep a new day and mom is home, even if it did take all day to get her here.  I had a call yesterday morning from the consultant who was due to do the camera down moms throat and he wanted to talk to me about the pros and cons, his concerns and because he has already seen my concerns regarding this procedure, to here him say, "I'm glad we're on the same page" was such a relief but I also appreciated his absolute honesty, mom is not going to get better.  Her stomach problems, her hiatus hernia is really now beyond repair, doing the procedure could've actually created more problems so it wasn't worth risking but again as he confirmed, "one day she will be sick, fluid will go into her lungs and she will die".   Until then, she will be loved at home by me and taken care of, but boy do I realise that's not going to be easy at all! 

We've had a bit of a rough night, her bowels aren't working how she'd like them too and she gets obsessed by that, but she had been given iron through an IV before she was discharged, I've been given a bag of drugs, some of them new ones that I'm going to go and try and get my head round this morning and I'm going to have to try and make sure she doesn't eat / drink too much too often so that she's not too poorly too soon.

I stayed in the chair for a few hours when she first got into bed because I was concerned she was going to start choking, possibly die or fall out the bed, be disorientated, oh I don't know I was just worried because she looked so frail and was so confused, more so than before. I know she's going to die - hell we all are, but I don't know if it's days, weeks, months or years away.  Because of what's happened this week, I've been thinking it's imminent, the truth is I don't know do I.  I'm not gonna lie, there was one point when I'd struggled to get her to the toilet and she was sat there struggling to do her thing, that I thought 'have I made a huge mistake wanting her home, can I do this?' Then I reminded myself, I've been doing this for years, I've just not paid attention to what it was I was doing and the only thing that's changed is she's had a week in hospital.

I did manage to go and lie down for few hours and sleep, she only woke me a few times for trips to the toilet and although when she initially got into bed she was unsettled she's now sleeping peacefully next to me, letting her mug of tea go cold yet again.  

I'm in for a tough time I think!  Thankfully she's all I need to focus on, I just hope I can still continue to get UW appointments here and there to top up my finances, so please if you or anyone you know wants their bills looking at and help making your life simpler, give me a shout, it'll help to keep me sane too having interaction.

I'm also going to help Gail raise some much needed funds for this wonderful charity, having looked at their website, I'd even have a dog if I could, they really do deserve a break.  I remember when we were in Corfu, how upset mom was about how they treat their dogs and there are a lot of places in Europe that are the same.  Mom absolutely loves animals and when I told her yesterday what we were doing she was thrilled.  Initially I'd hoped to get a plaque on one of the kennels with her name on. 

After speaking to Gail, she told me how they are building a sanctuary and there are lemon groves that the dogs will sit for hours to get out of the midday sun, she suggested they name one of these groves after mom, so I have some serious fundraising to do!  

Yesterday I raffled of a chenille blanket which raised £100 and was won by Jolie.  I have another one which has been made by Sheila (Rosie Harris) and donated for me to raffle, look at it, how clever is she, such patience, time and attention needed to create this! 

So very clever!  So If you'd like a number, paypal is bev_ww@yahoo.co.uk or message me for my bank details. £2 a ticket 1-50 (numbers 18 & 21 have already gone!) she missed the first one but wasn't missing the second lol.

Now here's a thought, if there's a blanket you'd like crocheting to your choice of colour and design and are willing to pay for it, I'm willing to make it and all the profit will go to the charity, I make a mean baby blanket or granny squares retro one.  If I already have the yarn, happy days or you can supply the yarn of your choice and I'll do the rest for an agreed cost.  No mohair, turns out I have an allergy to it and it brings me out in a nasty rash.

Here's hoping she has a good day, a settled day, Alfie has slept by her all night, he's much happier, can you believe how spoilt he is compared to how badly treated these other dogs are. 

Have a great day folks, I feel like my heart has been returned, I think I've been holding my breathe since Tuesday, my body is in pain from being so tense, hopefully that will ease a little now. 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

I just want her home....

Friday 19th February 2021
Kind words can be short but their echo can be endless.

Well yesterday was another day of frustration and waiting about, after not being able to collect mom the day before because she had been a little sick, I'd put it down to her eating the wrong food.  When I eventually got through to ask about her, I was told she wasn't coming home, when I questioned it, they got someone to talk to me who informed me that she had to wait to see a gastro doctor!  To say I was upset by this news was an understatement!  When the doctor eventually called me, he told me that they wanted to do the camera down her throat this morning because of the sickness. After initial doubts because mom already has a huge hiatus hernia so I didn't see the point of putting her through all this when there's nothing that can be done anyway, I called them back to discuss this.  The phone rings constantly engaged which is frustrating but I eventually got through and after speaking to the doctor again (he was still on the ward thankfully) he explained that she has fluid in her esophagus and they want to find the cause as she could get an infection in her lungs again.  I asked if they'd be able to treat the cause anyway and was it worth putting her through such stress, apparently some causes could be fixed and some not, so with that in mind, I agreed to let her stay.  He told me that when asked mom had told him she had lost weight lately, my response to that was, why are you asking someone with dementia rational questions about her health, she hasn't lost weight lately, just as she hasn't been walking the streets with nothing on her feet looking for her dog! 

I just want her home, don't get me wrong, I've made peace with the fact my mom is going to die, that might be in the next few days or years, I don't know, but I want her home to take care of her until that happens, no matter how bloody difficult it is.  I've only spoken to her once for a couple of minutes since Tuesday, I'm just praying she doesn't remember that she hasn't spoken to me.

The rest of my day was a blur because I was just waiting around for the hospital to call.  I did finish an audio book and then start crocheting a scarf to keep me occupied.  The downstairs of my house has never been so tidy, I even hoovered the stairs and landing.  I'm going to have a go at the office today, it's a mess and I'm not going to hear anything before lunchtime I don't think for a minute, so it'll keep me busy. 

Everyone has been so lovely messaging me and asking after mom but I was too upset to keep going over and over it.  I posted a short update on Facebook and asked people not to comment, mainly because I know everyone means well but some of the comments wind me up and I know they shouldn't because they come from a good place and I'm being dramatic, but sometimes I need to be a drama queen and throw my toys out of the pram without someone trying to do the 'there, there, nevermind, it''s all for the best' type of response. 

I've been awake since three this morning, so much for catching up on my sleep lol, can't blame mom or the dog because she's not here and he's spark out thanks to Gails free advice to help his rash.  

Now I'm going to ask for your help, I want to make this week have some kind of positive and I thought having something named after mom would be lovely, so when Gail told me about her fundraising appear to help her charity, I was all for that, having a plaque on one of the kennels would be a wonderful way to put a positive on a pants time!  

Gail is part of a charity 'Animal Friends in Turkey' their work in rescuing abandoned animals from the streets of Turkey and rehoming them in new loving homes in the UK only survives thanks to generous donations and fundraising, they are totally reliant on this.  I Know we're all struggling at the moment in one way or another and finances for most are tough, but if you could afford to make a donation you can do so via this paypal link or by bank transfer 30-90-89 37878068 (more info from the facebook post below)

Right time for another mug of tea, maybe some toast, wonder if I could fall back to sleep if I lay down? Worth a try maybe, we'll see. Here's hoping they let mom home later and that when they do, she settles and isn't too confused.

Mwah, luv ya

Love me xx

THE AFOT HALF WAY HOUSE Sanctuary

Appeal and update

We would like to bring you all up to date with where we are with getting the sanctuary open. It has taken us longer than we would have liked due to the on-going Covid and transport situation which have both meant our fundraising and normal donations have seen a dip, but thanks to the previous support received we are happy to say that all the initial works we set out to do will shortly be completed and for the sake of the animals waiting who are desperate for our help we need to get this ball rolling.

For this we need YOUR help
We now have the opportunity to purchase some fantastic cabins which means the sanctuary could open, we already have these 7 pups waiting….. We are looking for help with 4 Blue kennels at a cost of £350 each, these will be used for puppies or animals recovering from illness.

If you would like to donate for one of these wonderful cabins, then a plaque with a name of your choosing will be mounted on it, maybe in memory of a loved one or pet, whatever you choose. Alternatively maybe a few of you would like to share in donating for one and agree on your special name for it, whatever any of our supporters can do to help will enable us to get the sanctuary OPEN to get help to many of the dogs that are desperate.
We also require 3 of the larger green cabins at a cost of £600 each and we are excited and very happy to say that a fabulous supporter who wishes to remain anonymous has come forward and donated for these plus the extra costs to get all the cabins delivered to Fethiye.
If you are able to help please get in touch with me direct via pm or e-mail animalfriendsofturkey@aol.com.

If you would like to make a donation you can do so via this paypal link or by bank transfer 30-90-89 37878068

This weeks been a blur

Thursday 18th February 2021

Being strong means knowing when to be soft. 

I spent yesterday waiting for a call to take mom home, I'd spoken to someone on the morning that said she was just waiting for her medication and they'd call me to collect her.  Then about half three I got a call to tell me she couldn't come home, she'd been a little sick a lcouple of times and they wanted her to stay to make sure she was okay.  I asked what she'd eaten and she checked her chart and said a pasty and some pudding and I confirmed 'yep, that'd make her sick'.  I know mom  eats crap but it's small and often, the pastry in that pasty would've made her sick, it's her hiatus hernia she has, since she had the twisted stomach about seven years ago and was in hospital with it, she hasn't eaten food like that since really, she can manage a piece of toast, or a few chips on one slice of bread but that would've filled her up and made her sick.  Hopefully that's the reason and she'll be home today.  I'm not gonna lie, I shed some tears after putting the phone down, as much of a bloody nightmare as she can be, I'd rather have her here being a nightmare for me.

She was really unhappy when I talked to her on the phone she thinks she's being sectioned and kept against her will.  She thinks I won't go and fetch her, that I don't want too.  of course none of which is true.  I know she has dementia but she also has lucid moments and memories, cruely the memories that she does have are usually the worst ones!  When mom was a teenager, she was really shy and being from Yorkshire the kids at school were cruel as kids are and teased her about her accent.  One day she took an overdose and in those days, you weren't given a cuddle and told, 'there, there never mind, we'll help you', nope she was sectioned and locked up!  Mom was a very, clever kid though and she worked out to get out, she had to 'play the game', she told them what they wanted to hear in order to get out of there.  It was a horrible time for her and the reason she absolutely hates hospitals!  It's how I know if she's truly ill or just being a bugga, I always ask do you want me to call a doctor because you'll probably end up in hospital - if she says yes, I know she's really poorly.

That's the reason, I want her home as soon as possible because I know in her lucid moments, she'll be having a really tough time.  When I spoke to her last night, she said 'I'm being kept in this loony bin and I've lost Alfie', amongst other things. 

On a positive, thanks to the lovely Gail, I've got Alfie's skin calmer.  Honestly it was red raw yesterday morning and he was so uncomfortable and distressed.  He's always suffered with a skin condition but this was worse, I put it down to a combination of stress over missing mom as well as his usual stuff.  We did work out I had washed his bedding too, so that maybe didn't help, I've given it another rinse without the non bio powder I used initially.  Top tips from Gail to piss your dog off and calm down his itchy skin ;) Camomile teabags - yes you read that right and no don't make him a cuppa, the lady in the Tesco garage said, 'ooo posh, check you out', to which I replied they're for my dog lol.  Then I explained that I was putting half a dozen in a bath of warm water for him and I have to say as much as he wasn't impressed with having a bath, the skin calmed down almost instantly.  It didn't cure it but it made a huge difference!  Sudocrem on his hot spots and between his toes, although Gail said when I sent her a photo of the footprints on my floor, 'I said between his toes, not all over his bloody feet!'  She's never seen me do skincare on myself, she should've had a chat to V first.  

 

As you can see, he wasn't impressed at all, but thankfully we've both had a decent sleep because of it.  He was unsettled at first but we've had 8 hours of much needed sleep for both of us, not gonna lie there was piriton involved for him too.  He needed to calm and settle down and they helped. 

My diet is none existence on the planning front, on a positive I've not been drinking really, had a glass before bed last night.  I have eaten watermelon to! 

As disappointed as I was to not get mom back yesterday, I'll still beyond grateful to every person that's been involved in my moms care since Sunday, they are incredible people, doing an amazing job and deserving a higher rate of pay!  Special thanks to Donna for keeping me in touch with mom when she can, after all she's busy doing her job so nips to see mom when she has a minute spare.  

I'm gonna go make me another cuppa, go enjoy a hot bath and then have breakfast whilst I wait for a call about mom, here's hoping she's had a good night. 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me x

Nothing is ever permanent

Wednesday 17th February 2021

Life doesn’t come with a manual, it comes with a Mother.

Spoke to mom on face time yesterday afternoon and she was so much more herself, obviously still with dementia, but happier and more settled.  The staff at New Cross are amazing, they're all incredible and yes it's been difficult not being able to see her when I want to and there not being visiting times but I know in my heart she's being looked after and probably getting more interaction than she does here as there's only the two of us.  

She may be coming home today so my plan was to have a cracking good night sleep, it appears the universe was having none of that as Alfie has been an absolute bloody nightmare all night, he's got a skin condition and has scratched more than I've ever known, it could've been because we were on park yesterday but I couldn't stop him and he's also panting a lot - why isn't anything ever easy.  I just wanted to sleep sound.

On a positive downstairs is lovely and tidy, and I've made a start on my clothes, they're no longer in bags at least.  I've hidden my office and will ge to it when I can. 

I don't really know much more about mom other than she's feeling better, I believe she went to have CT scan yesterday, they had said she could have the heart scan as outpatient but getting her to agree to return will be a challenge in itself. 

I've been able to book my covid jab for next Wednesday so feel another step close to some level of safety for me and mine.  

As soon as I know more about mom, I'll let you all know via facebook, this morning I'm going to need to seek advice on Alfie, you couldn't make it up as only yesterday new food was delivered for him to try and help his skin issues, he's been free from the crap mom feeds him for a few days so you'd hope that would've helped but who knows!

Not much to tell as not much happened yesterday other than housework and watching a couple of Harry Potter movies, here's hoping for some good news and dog solutions today.  

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me 

Quiet in my house! Apart from the dog!

Tuesday 16th February 2021

You're a diamond dear, they can't break you x

Well as you can see I've slept but it's been another restless night, I was awake more than once, those restlless times I woke just didn't get out of bed, but I'm rested.  It's a novelty to sleep without the heating on full blast, I didn't have the heating on at all yesterday, I put a fleece on, it was lovely.

Thanks to a wonderful lady I was able to have a short facetime with mom but I'm not gonna lie, that broke me, what is it they say, ignorance is bliss - what you don't know can't hurt you and that's definitely true.  Seeing her there, all confused and pissed off, she was talking about not going with 'him' she'd had a bastard for over 30 years, so in her head she was remembering dad and those years were tough enough the first time round without reliving them.  She didn't seem to recognise me either but when I lifted Alfie up she knew him, I had to remind myself later that she can be like that at home when I've got Terry on facetime she's been confused over who he is.  

She's apparently keeping them on their toes, telling them tales, being awkward and asking to come home, well insisting, for someone who doesn't have much mobility, she can escape the bay!  They've got her on IV antibiotics, dajoxin and water tablets, she's better than she was, but then to be honest when she went in, I didn't think there was much wrong with her then because she wasn't showing any symptoms other than a little difficulty breathing which she's had for a long time. Thankfully she doesn't have Covid which is a massive positive isn't it. 

I had a couple of calls to discuss how she would manage when she came home, stairs etc, but she has no need to go upstairs now her bed is in the living room, I've moved the rug so her walker will move around easily.  

I took Alfie for a walk yesterday afternoon and suddenly had the realisation I didn't have to rush back, it was a bizarre feeling especially as I remember mom having similar when dad passed away as she was his carer. Speaking of Alfie, he was a nightmare yesterday, barking at me constantly when I was trying to do an appointment, sitting whining looking at moms chair, so he's missing her.  It is nice to be able to leave a room without being interrogated though, I'm not gonna lie!

I did eat some proper food, this was from the freezer, wouldn't buy it again but think some people would like it, not for me though. 

Mom's going to be in for a couple of days at least so my plan is to sort my house, I gave the wetroom a deep clean yesterday, floor to ceiling and the living room.  Today will be the kitchen and my bedroom, all my clothes are in bin bags because of the move round and I got rid of the cupboard and sideboard to accomodate the bed in the living room, so I need to work out storage in my bedroom.  That'll keep me busy today.  I have no work today so can focus on the house and take advantage of situation. 

I will chill out this afternoon, watch a movie and rest, whilst I can because I have a feeling things will be very difficult when she does come out, it'll take a time to settle her down, if I'm able to at all! 

I did do work yesterday too, signed up a new customer and partner, also supported Elle with her customer, I had a busy day actually yesterday, so I will potter doing my tidying today, I do love a tidy house though, not gonna lie.  

Have a good day, take care of you and stay safe. 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me x

 

All about my mom xx

Monday 15th February 2021

Believe in yourself as much as my mom always has in me. 

Well no blog yesterday and in case you didn't see from my Facebook page that was because we ended up in A&E.  I'll tell you all about it because that will save me talking through it over and over again which is difficult. 

Mom called me around 2.30am, nothing new there!  But when I got down she said she had a pain in her chest, she said something she'd eaten was stuck.  Other than that, she didn't look ill, she sure as hell wasn't acting ill, she was being stroppy with me, so I settled her back down but 40 minutes later she shouldn't me again and I said shall I call a doctor, when she replied yes I knew she wasn't right because she hates the idea of doctors/ambulances/hospitals. 

I did the 111, then they put me onto a doctor who then send the Paramedics and they did some tests, her temperature was over 38, her heart was in AF (irregular and often fast heart rhythm), they believed she had an infection and said the pain in her chest could be being caused by all of these things.  They agreed to me going because she wouldn't go without me, plus mom has this knack of telling the doctors what she believes will get her out of the situation and back home!  When in ambulance and asked about the pain in her chest - she said it had gone!

Once in A&E, they took bloods, did a chest xray, took two Covid tests, the first one came back as negative pretty quicky, this one is being trialled by New Cross and is pretty accurate but because it is a trial they do the second on which takes longer to get the results, I don't know the result of that one still yet.

Mom soon got to the point where she wasn't impressed and wanted to go home, but that wasn't happening!  All the hospital staff were wonderful, the doctors very informative, open and honest which was much appreciated by myself.  

The chest xray showed lots of fluid on her lungs, a chest inflection and the doctor said her heart was enlarged from heart failure and if they don't sort these things out she'll most likely have a stroke. They let me stay as long as they could until we got mom up onto a ward, the nurses there were great with her too and although she was dreadful, scared and vile at times she was also loving, jolly and funny singing 'Right said fred climbing up the ladder' on her way back from chest xray and flirting with H the porter who managed to cajoal her up to the ward! Thankfully when I left she was okay and I think had met her match in a lady in the opposite bed.

I walked home, I needed to breathe, it was cold but only a couple of miles, I hadn't been back long when the doctor called to update me, they said their plan of action was antibiotics for chest infection and to increase her water tablets.  They were going to do a jelly scan of heart and the chest xray had shown there was a shadow on right side which apparently was there 5 years ago but is now bigger, so they’re going to do a ct scan. Her respiratory isn’t good because she keeps taking off her oxygen and her sats drop to 85 and she’s demanding to come home!  The doctor also said physio therapist and occupation therapist will be in touch with me in time, but that if her heart fails we both agreed to DNR because of the fragile condition of her body and mind in general.  

I had a call around 7ish from the nurse who I'd left mom with and she told me they'd moved her to C24, then I called and spoke to someone on C24 to ask how she was and as expected she was being a bugga, wouldn't let them change her dressings on her leg but did eventually, insisting to go home and apparently hates all five of us for leaving her there!  

The doctor who called me yesterday afternoon said their plan of action was antibiotics for chest infection, increase her water tablets.  They were going to do a jelly scan of heart and the chest xray had shown there was a shadow on right side which apparently was there 5 years ago but is now bigger, so they’re going to do a scan. Her respiratory isn’t good because she keeps taking off her oxygen and her sats drop to 85.  She’s demanding to come home! 

Doctor also said physio therapist and occupation therapist will be in touch with me in time, but that if her heart fails we both agreed to DNR because of the condition of her body and mind in general.

I'm not going to lie, when it became obviously around 8am yesterday morning that mom wasn't coming home, I felt a relief in my heart that I may get a full nights, uninterrupted sleep!  I also cried seeing how distressed she was at being there and when I got off the phone from agreeing to DNR and hearing how mom was I sobbed uncontrollably until I could barely breathe, but I calmed down and made a cup of tea, lay on her bed in the living room and feel asleep for a couple of hours.

Alfie had I had a meat feast, I cooked a bag of bbq pork ribs and we shared them like savages together with a lovely piece of steak my bestie had bought me, I had mine with mushrooms and bread, alfie had his plain lol.  

He's snoozing at my feet right now, content again that I'm home, my sis said he went hysterical at her when she came round yesterday morning after we'd been gone a couple of hours and he sat in the porch until I returned, then barked and bollocked me for leaving! 

We've had sleep, I woke a lot, but I've managed 8 hours thankfully.  I've got 3 appointments today and a business launch tonight to keep me occupied.  I'm hoping to have the energy and desire to do some cleaning and sorting whilst I can because it desparately needs it and I know I'll feel better when it's done.  

Whatever happens with mom, it's life, of course I love her and want her to be well, but she's never going to 'get better', she wishes she could die numerous times a week so a part of me yesterday had wished instead of waking up with a pain in her chest that she hadn't woken up.  I'd like her to just go to sleep and slip away.  At the same time, I don't want her somewhere that's she's scared and unhappy, I'd rather she was here doing my head in. 

Oh deep sigh, it's not going to be an easy week is it, but you know what, my mom made me and grew me strong, she brought me up to believe I could handle anything and everything and in the last 51 years, I've done exactly that, so why change now!  

Not the valentines day I'd imagined, but one I won't forget in a hurry!  It was lovely to know so many people cared and got in touch, thank you for that and apologies if my response was short or ignored, I put my messages on silent in the end so I could sleep, I had to keep the phone on in case the hospital called. 

Mwah, luv you 

Love me x