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Thursday, 11 June 2020

If only hugs made everything better x

Thursday 11th June 2020
I just hugged you in my thoughts.... hope you felt the squeeze!

Never have I been more grateful to have a sister and my V, ma'an yesterday was challenging, at one point me and my sister were stood in the hall with my mom between us and there were no words necessary.  My poor mom, later we sat together and as I listened to her talk, she cried then I joined in, not big, dramatic, weeping, just silent, heartbreaking, realisation tears where she terrified and I feel helpless.  I can honestly say if Euthanasia was legal last  night I would've opted for it for her and so would she.  I wouldn't wish this disease on anyone, I'm just so desperately glad she has me and my sister, I can't imagine how those poor folk who have no one handle it. 

We've started the day okay though, well actually she woke up and came out of her bedroom scared she was in trouble and the police were on their way because her and Sheila (best friend from school) had been arrested and escaped (obviously in her dreams), I bought her out of that with some giggles, it's easier in the morning.  Last night when she was talking about her husband, she got angry when I tried to explain he wasn't here, it's fear obviously because it means her brains broke and she doesn't want to accept that.  I know all the stuff you read online says agree, but how can I agree that he's in the other room if she's going to look for him?  Or put her shoes on to go find him!   Ma'an this stuff should come with training for sure!  Or at the very least some kind of syringe full of magic that you can inject to instantly calm them down!  

On a positive I've just eaten a bowl of mango and I'm now on an apple.  We also had the most wonderful walk yesterday, 2 hours of bliss.  I did walk the dog later too, where I was probably a bit abrupt with a woman asking about my mom and then starting to tell me 'you should get help coming in' and 'I went through it all with my...." I'm afraid I just said, I don't want to talk about it sorry, this is my hour away from it all' and walked off.   Oops! 

You'd be proud of me though, after what was a really difficult hour right up to the moment I started my workshop, you wouldn't have known whilst I was working, I was a true pro, put it all outside the room and my mind and thoroughly enjoyed catching up and coaching for that hour.  Then I went back downstairs to the lions den, my sister left and mom was still on one.  As my sister was leaving mom was all loud and rude "Are you going to feed me, I haven't had anything for hours" (she had), so I  went to do that, made us both a ham sandwich, put lettuce and cucumber on mine, and the lettuce was use by May 28th!  It was absolutely fine and no yucky on it at all! I digress, mom then said, 'I haven't had a drink', I pointed at the coffee Anne had made her, 'I don't want that, it's disgusting', okay what do you want, she wanted a decent cup of coffee.  I decided to do a sneaky test, I took the coffee into the kitchen, poured it into a different cup and bought it back - she drunk the lot! 

I was proud of myself last night for not overeating or overdrinking, yes I had a big glass of wine, but I didn't have a bottle.  Mom calmed down but was still anxious for the rest of the night but I handled it and finally got her to bed and she's had a better nights sleep than I have because I'm blessed with peri-menopausal sweats and disturbed sleep.  YAY! lol. 

I'm in good spirits I have to say, despite it all. Oh if you read yesterday, you may remember me saying I was going to do some of the stuff I keep putting off for fear of upsetting mom, well I did yesterday didn't I, I started to move the big cupboard in my bedroom to make more room for my yoga.  I only went and bloody broke it, as I pushed it, I heard a snap, so now I have pieces all over my room and there's probably less room than before - I am laughing here btw.  I'm going to sort all the clothes in that cupboard today and see what I do need and what needs getting rid of.  Then I'll decide what to do next about the cupboard!  

Oh I had 2 corn on the cob for my lunch yesterday, they were epic, 2SP worth of low fat spread after they'd been roasted, definitely going to be one of my regular meals.  We're talking planning aren't we, plus I'm trying to get my finances in order and one of the main things there is lowering my shopping bill.  To help with this, I'm going to start writing down meal ideas in my notepad to help me decide on my meals when I do my online shop, so I don't just throw stuff I 'fancy' in the basket which not only costs a pretty penny but also a pretty hefty point usually too!

Right, here's to hoping mom has a better day and then I know me and my sis will too. 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx



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