Smile moments from yesterday!
1) Receiving an email to say a partner in my team had been promoted.
2) Sunshine on my face in the morning whilst walking Alfie.
3) My sister managing to calm my mom down and bring her back into the room after 12 sleepless hours.
4) My bestie coming out with the best one liner that made me laugh out loud every time I thought about it.
5) Having a lovely meandering walk at lunchtime along the canal with Alfie.
6) The ducks on the canal.
7) Great news from my bestie that she's got a second interview for a job that has her name all over it!
8) Mom finally sleeping after 24 hours even if it was whilst I was out walking!
9) Enjoying the Amerylis I've grown, magestic red flowers.
10) Chicken dinner with leftovers from yesterday, added carrots, asparagus and yorkies.
11) The Crocus in the grass on my walk.
12) The sneaky Chinese takeaway I decided to order.
13) Eating cold egg fried rice at 1am, 2am, 3am.
14) Mom getting some sleep.
15) The mug of tea in my hand as I type (Well I put it back down when I type).
16) My little dog sleeping at my feet.
17) Knowing their are painkillers to be taken in the kitchen when I get up.
There you go, life ain't all bad I could probably more than double the length of the crap moments from yesterday but why bother, they happened, they've gone, this month is almost done and we've made it through and the sun is starting to shine so Spring is on it's way. Spring is my most very favourite time of year, it brings with it hope for better days, it's also the most amazing time of year to walk, not too hot and the flowers are all starting to do their thing, just incredible.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, if we were to put some of the moments of what's happening in this house into a book or a play, people would think it was far fetched, it's just too crazy to be true, honestly. At the same time, if you were watching it and not living it, there's a sick humour too it, watching my sister finally calm my mom down and get her to believe that I am Beverley, then to hear her from the kitchen say to my sister who's name is Anne just in case you don't know, "Have you met the other one, Anne? She's a funny un, comes round and just sits there doesn't say a word", and Anne's sitting there listening saying, 'yeah, I know Anne really well!'. Or the night before when seriously there was absolutely no sleep taken in this house, I was crying, I was that tired, I went down, tried to settle her for the umpteenth, then say, 'okay, I'm going to go and get some sleep myself mom, because I really need to sleep.' Then I'd get back in bed and hear an almighty clatter, so I'd jump out of bed thinking she'd had an accident, only to find her picking up the biscuit tin lid which she'd dropped on the floor, our flour is ceramic tiles! She did that a few times, she must have liked the noise it made because by the time I was back in bed, she was playing the drums by slapping her hands on her legs, then to make it a bit more melodic she started clapping and singing, now this is 2am, my eyes are on sticks, I'm almost white coat worthy, even perfected my rocking motion but it sounds like a band rehearsal downstairs. I give up on any chance of sleep, what's the point, it's not going to happen and it's winding me up trying, plus now she's talking to someone that isn't there, so I go and sit in the living room where I can see with my own eyes where all the noises are happening.
She's now having a conversation with a group of people on the single bed in the living room, at one point she chatted with Trump (yes the Trump) and Simon Cowell
At one point I'd try to say to mom, that I was beyond tired and if I didn't get some sleep, I was gonna have some kind of meltdown, her response to my 'behaviour' through the night was suggesting I pull myself together or they'd lock me up in an institution! Telling me not to worry because her mom would be back at the weekend and have to kids!
This was right before it started 'raining in the front room' apparently and those people on her bed were gonna get wet, bare in mind this is about 3 or 4 am, and I've had exactly zero hours sleep since the previous night.
This was when my bestie had started messaging me because she knew I was awake and I started regailing to her what had happened through the night, when I got to the tin lids, hand slapping and clapping part, her reply, which makes me chuckle every time I read it was;
Oh give her some spoons & shes a 1 man fkin band!
GENIUS right there, pure genius, I went from a woman on the edge to it's all okay, I can handle this shit.
And as if by psychic magic, that was the moment mom started singing, proving yep she was a one man band!
This was when she started talking to the 'other' Bev on the bed (not there obviously) telling her, that I wasn't me, and of course that other Bev wasn't responding.
Seriously, you couldn't make that shit up could ya!
On a serious note, how bloody horrid must it be for her to be trapped in that mind, her brain is broken, today my body feels like it's broken, I don't think there's much of it that does hurt. Why? Because early last night mom decided to go upstairs to bed, there's no arguing with her so I had to walk behind to make sure I caught her if she stumbled, we did get 2 hours sleep I think before she woke up ready to get up and start her day around half ten last night. I tried for an hour or a bit more to get her back into bed, she'd get back in then ten minutes later, 'right I'm getting up', then we had a toilet accident, which gutted me because her room is the only room with carpet, I can't wait to rip it up and throw it in a skip. On the bright side it was a number one, I don't think there was any number two left, we'd had that leave the body and go everywhere throught the previous 24 hours, thankfully in the wetroom, so horrid to clean up but all tiled. Who knew the highlight of my days some days would be knowing it's only on tiles!
It's now around midnight and I know attempting to settle her downstairs and me go upstairs is going to result in a replay of the night before, she's not getting in the single bed in the living room, not a chance in hell, so I do! I'm thinking if she can see me, it might be half the battle. I'd tried sleeping in my chair and woke up with my back in bits and a crick in my neck. The hospital bed wasn't much better to be fair, which is why I'm now sitting here typing longing for drugs as my body is in painful bits. We haven't of course had 5 uninterrupted hours, there was the picnic she had first, oh yeah, biscuit tin lid solo, the crisp packets (3 packets opened at once), cereal bars, playing in the percussion section of the Hilary orchestra, plus there's a very melodic tune to be played on either a walking stick or walking frame being banged on tile floors.
A few more trips to the toilet for her, whilst I stood eating cold egg fried rice - as you do, I'm now completely immune to anything that comes out of her body, I can wipe it up mid meal, mostly because I've had no choice, she seems to time that too, I sit down with my dinner, she shits herself.
See it would make the most hilarious book. Thankfully, most of the time I'm able to laugh through it. But there's nothing worse that the 10% of the time that I can't and someone (change the word ONE for any of the words you believe me to be really thinking!) says 'stay strong' that's my personal particular least favourite comment in the world when I'm absolutely on my knees, crying from exhaustion and trying to get somewhere that clearly can't be gotten. There's also the wonderful comments and suggestions that I obviously haven't thought of - they all come from a place of love and when I'm rational they're all warmly accepted but when I'm unstable, you're all twats! There I've said it ;)
And don't even get me started on doctors, receptionists and drugs because that is farcical but let's just say, it's given me one more issue to sort, still not sorted which I will now blame for the fact I'm sat eating prawn crackers at 6.57am in the morning. I don't even like prawn crackers, I'm allergic to prawns so let's establish they're obviously isn't any prawns in them because I'm still breathing (sadly - joking, I'm not suicidal)
What will today bring? I've got some work to do, so let's see how that goes, I was being able to sit next to mom whilst doing it, but at the moment that's not really working, especially after being on a support appointment the other day, when she prompty states, "Bev, I need a shit"! Hence why my sisters going to come round in future and I'll just do less appointments, which is a bloody shame because I was really enjoying doing it and helping lots of people but we can still do it, just slower, or I'll get one of my team to help potential customers who contact me.
She's actually sat next to me snoozing right now, I love these moments, just wished I could've slept longer myself but I was so bloody uncomfortable. 51 years old and sleeping in the same room as my mother, now there's something ain't it.
If this blog doesn't make you realise life is precious, then nothing will. Eat the cake (but not all the time because diet does contribute to dementia and we don't bloody want that!), if you can afford it - spend it, don't stay in a job you absolutely hate, only work the hours you need to work to pay for the stuff you need and want. Have less stuff, seriously do you need the lastest phone, the biggest tv or a new ornament. Remember we don't pay for things with money, we pay for them with hours from our life we work to earn that month.
When this is all over, and I'm no longer lying, I'm hoping that's sooner rather than later, I plan to only work as much as I need to, I want to spend my hours relaxing in my garden, walking the local footpaths, fields and towpaths, making my garden pretty once more, decorating my own house slowly because I'll have the time and it'll be cheaper to do it myself. There's nothing I want more than a simple life, to be able to watch a movie on the tele, nip to the shops because I need a load (bugga I do actually need a loaf), take Alfie out when he asks me to. Sounds like bliss.
Go enjoy your day, give those you love a hug (if you can) a virtual hug if you can't and take care of you because we're all important.
Mwah, luv ya
Love me xx