Beverley has prepared the content of Bev's World irresponsibly and carelessly. She therefore disclaims all warranties, express or implied, as to the accuracy, originality or completeness of the drivel presented on this blog or on other linked websites or on any subsequent links. She vehemently denies that the information may be relied upon for any reason. Beverley shall not be liable for inflicting laughter, shame, disgust, torrents of tears and the eventual desiccation or crashing boredom on readers.

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Wednesday, 16 October 2019

Coke v Wine! Both Addictive!

Wednesday 16th October
Breathe darling, this is just a chapter not your whole story.

Early one again this morning, I've heard her go to the toilet probably every hour if not more frequent since about midnight and now she's downstairs and had fallen asleep in her armchair bless her.

But let's talk about food ;) This was my lunch yesterday, leftovers from the day before, I'd frozen my fish not realising how much was in the packet, so when it was defrosted I had to cook it all, mom didn't want any so I had half yesterday and half today, it was absolutely lush, it really was.  Trout, rice and cabbage - random combination I know but it worked really well and ooo my digestion system has been amazing the last couple of days thanks to the cabbage. TMI?

For my dinner I had beef stew that I'd taken from the freezer earlier in the day, I won't be freezing my stew again, it didn't taste as good as it did before it went in. 

I plan to make a chicken casserole today, nom nom, I nipped into Aldi yesterday to buy the ingredients, not gonna lie, I bought thighs, I couldn't resist, I know the casserole will taste amazing with thigh, plus at £1.79 for a packet, bargain, 5SP each, I can live with that, I can still have chicken casserole for about 12SP a portion, if I have a egg based breakfast and a light tea, then this will be within my daily allowance.  Plus I hope to get an early night to make up for lack of sleep last night. 

Aiming to up my fruit and veggie intake, we're talking about these in workshop this week so I bought a bit of veg yesterday in Aldi too, a swede so I can have swede and mash, I'll microwave the swede whole for ease, just pop the whole swede in microwave for about 20 minutes, and then cut top off and scoop middle out, perfect.  I've also been told they're delicious roasted, so maybe I'll have a go at doing it that way too, my member said she peels it then the outside caramelising as it's roasting, sounds good.  

I also made the breakfast buns using the WW raspberry and chai seed porridge, for every sachet, you mix in 1 mashed banana and 1 egg, there's two packets there and it's a mini muffin tray, made 20.  I like the idea of adding some apple, I have a can of Sainsbury's apple slices in the cupboard might make some more and use the bigger muffin cases, it's a way of getting good stuff in my mom which is almost impossible these days. 

I had a realisation last night, obviously I know how many points are in my Red Wine, I also know that full fat pop is ridiculously high in points too so I wouldn't even contemplate buying a can, but after checking my app for how many Smart Points are in a litre bottle of CocaCola, I've checked this morning how many in a litre of Red Wine and they're exactly the same 26SP, NEITHER IS ANY GOOD FOR US REALLY! Both are addictive!  I wouldn't think twice about drinking a bottle of wine!

Now the obvious difference is one is alcoholic, but I know that for me it's also a habit, not a great one either, so I'm going to make a conscious effort to cut down a bit, I use the excuse 'it helps me cope with mom' but I think I'm that used to it, it doesn't.  Plus if I'm not getting as much sleep, I need to make up for it in other ways, so heres to saving some points for more food by cutting down on wine.  

Plus it's weigh day so I get a fresh set of weeklies, woo hoo, 35SP to spend on whatever I want to spend them on and you know what, if you want to spend it on chocolate, fizzy pop, KFC, or something healthier that's your prerogative because we're all grown ups here! 

I have documents to try and find so I'm gonna get my paperwork done, then plan to turn my office upside down, ooo maybe I'll have a sort out and bin some stuff at the same time, make use of these extra hours I'm not being allowed to sleep lol.

Here's to a day of tracking and trying, mwah 

luv ya 

Love me xx 

Tuesday, 15 October 2019

want, need or greed?

Tuesday 15th October 2019
Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.

Thankfully I went to bed early because mom had another rough night, I wake up every time she goes to the bathroom but I have slept so I'm ready for the day ahead.

--------- fast forward 10 minutes -----------

I'd just written the sentence above when mom said, "Bev, Bev I've spilt my tea", oh yeah she'd fell asleep with it in her hands and it'd gone all over the bed and poor Alfie, thankfully it wasn't still hot, so I've just been changing her bedding and finding our spare quilt.  Can you believe it, I only changed her bedding yesterday, now I have a house full of bedding to wash and dry - yay!  Can quilts even be washed at home or are they dry clean only.

Anyway, what's done is done, I'm still ready for my day, I've already got some leftover trout for dinner today, hadn't realised how much was in the packet when I froze it so had to cook it all and mom didn't want any, so yesterday I had it with rice and cabbage (using what's in the fridge, that cabbage had lasted 2 weeks, had it from Aldi), there's enough of both to have exactly the same meal, or I might do something else with it, we'll see, I fancy that cabbage fried up with some mash (it'll have to be Smash though as I'm all out of spud, ooo I do have frozen chips though or maybe spaghetti  that would be nice with the trout flaked into it with a bit of a sauce.  Still want a can of mushroom soup, they hadn't got any in the Tesco garage on Saturday, mushroom soup and a small packet of KP salted peanuts are on my to eat list, I'll get them at some point.  Not using my credit card am I this month so if I haven't got the cash in my purse, I can't have it, I used all my Co-op points yesterday to pay for a few bits for mom.  I think I have some Tesco ones too, need to have a mooch through my desk, usually spend them online but I could spend in store.  We shall see.  I like being thrifty and frugal, it makes me appreciate the value of money more, but even more so the value of time!

Yeah every penny we spend is time we've spent working, so in theory the less we spend, the less we need to work, it really makes you think about what's actually worth buying when you ask yourself that question.  For example, I needed a size 1.75mm crochet hook to do a project, if I wanted to order one online for prime delivery, I either had to pay delivery as well or spend £20 on Amazon as it was an add on item.   The other option was of course to wait a few days for delivery but we were still looking at a couple of quid, so instead I asked if I could loan one from a friend.  It'll probably be the only time I'll use it so I don't need one permanently.  Saved myself at least 2 quid there, even at minimum wage that's 15 minutes work.  Not to mention the cost of sending it to me, if you're interested in carbon footprint etc.

Yeah I think if you stop and look at the stuff in your house and work out the true cost of it, you might not think it was worth it.   I started to think about this after being sent a link to a website from work about my pension, let's just say, I'm going to be a very poor pensioner because I will only have the basic and I'll have to wait till I'm 67 to even stop working, that's ridiculous.   Hence I want to learn to live on less now to prepare me for the future, if it becomes my norm, it won't be such a culture shock.  I can already live on less, I can just be a bit careless when it comes to spending.  Anyway you don't want to listen to me go on about my finances on a Tuesday morning, but maybe it'll encourage you to consider your own.  What have you spent money on already this month that you maybe didn't need.  It's a bit like food, simply as yourself the following question in either circumstance,

Do you want, need or is it greed?

That simple question will get you thinking about your food choices and your spending habits.

I'll leave you there as I'm running behind thanks to the tea on quilt situation ;)

Mwah, luv ya

Love me x


Monday, 14 October 2019

The greatest gift you can give someone is your time.

Monday 14th October 2019
Whatever you are not changing, you are choosing (read that again!)

Moms had a bad night, poor love and there's not a lot I can do other than sit with her and try to calm her, I know she'll probably fall asleep in a little bit and sleep some of the day away.  I also know the advice is to try and keep them awake in the daytime so they sleep at night but I don't think that'll guarantee she will! Plus she's better when she sleeps whatever time of the day.  We'd had a good day overall too.

It's Monday morning again, can you believe it, how quickly these weeks roll around, I'm sat here wasting time on the internet, but then it isn't wasted time if it's time I enjoy wasting.  I couldn't start the crochet project I'd planned on starting yesterday as I didn't have a small enough hook, so instead I decided to start it with double knit yarn so I could get used to the stitch, I love it but it's going to be a lot larger than needed, but hey there's no rules, it can be folded in half for added warmth lol.

Now I need to get back to paying attention to my healthy eating, I've not been overeating but not been tracking this last week, yesterday for example I had scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast, then later in the day I had cheesy mash with ketchup and that was my lot all day!  That is not a healthy balanced diet, so today will include some veggies for a start, maybe a banana, whatever I have, I'll be pointing and tracking it.  The good news is I've not gained any weight the last few weeks, I've got maintenance sussed.

I'm also still drinking plenty of water, thanks to my new Wellness Wins beakers, I love them, plus the hold well over a pint of water at a time, I've already drunk one this morning and I keep it on the side of my bed in case I wake up thirsty in the night.  It's all about those subtle habit changes.  We can all do big grand gestures for short periods, I actually get concerned with myself if I get too obsessed over it all, because I know that never ends well, it's not sustainable for me.

One thing I am struggling with is my FitPoints, I've not been walking with my brother for weeks because of the weather and also mom, then we've had that much rain, Alfie doesn't want to walk far, so yesterday I only did 5,000 steps, were usually it's 4 times that.  My ankle still isn't right either, the doctor wasn't much interested, she wobbled it about and said words to the effect of, 'yeah it's either muscular or arthritic, painkillers and don't stop moving'.  Thanks for that!

We had a day watching Adam Sandler films, if you haven't seen Click, it's a really good reminder that it's the actual day to day crap that makes life worth living.  Yeah time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters doesn't it and all we really have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.  At this moment I'm happy to spend as much of my time as possible keeping my mom company and making her feel safe.

Today find the time, take the time, make the time to do something for yourself, but also to smile at others, to speak kind words, to be the person you'd like to bump into.

Here's a nice quote to end on,

Time is free, but it's priceless
You can't own it, but you can use it.
You can't keep it, but you can spend it.
Once you've lost it, you can never get it back.

What did you do with your time this weekend, how do you plan to spend it this week?

I'm off to use some of my time working out what I plan to eat today ;)

Mwah, luv ya

Love me

Sunday, 13 October 2019

fuel cake parts

Sunday 13th October 2019
Be grateful and count your blessings daily

I love my workshops and yesterday was no exception, surround yourself with people who get you and who laugh with you.  Laughter is a great stress reliever and we did plenty of that yesterday.   One of the things that we really laughed at and it was one of those. 'you had to be there' moments was talking about an app called, what 3 words, or they have a website https://what3words.com/about-us/, what is it?  what3words is a really simple way to talk about location.  They've have assigned each 3m square in the world a unique 3 word address that will never change.  For example filled.count.soap marks the exact entrance to what3words’ London headquarters.  How clever is that!  It's quite amusing too, so sitting here at my desk, my 3 words are digs lovely sock and when I'm lying in bed it's fuel cake parts which is funny when you think I'm all about the food.  I wonder what it is in the kitchen lol.  You could play with the app for hours, but it has a really useful function, imagine if you were lost and stressed, this app would help others find you - very clever.  

I then got home, walked Alfie and watched a film with mom, we watched the Sky Cinema new release 'White Boy Rick', one of those films I watch and only carry on watching because I want to see how it ends, not a happy tale at all so not for me.  Then I went to cook something and came up with this fish pie, the only thing that made it even better than it was, was watching mom lick her bowl!  Yeah it went down very well indeed.  I didn't use a recipe just cooked the potatoes on a baking tray in oven with a bit of oil.  Poached the fish in skimmed milk then added peas, Philadelphia light, mustard, cheese, dill and thickened it into a sauce topped with the potatoes, it was delicious.

We watched more tele, Hitch with Will Smith, lovely rom com, then Jerry McGuire, not seen either since they were released years ago.  Of course mom had to have her CSI SVU fix before we could go to bed, she does love a bit of blood and guts!  

I've been up an hour and I've already done the washing up!  Check me out, that's probably about as productive as I'm getting though, I've got a difficult crochet blanket I'd like to try and get started, not sure I'm going to have the patience to work with such fine cotton, but I'm going to give it a go.  Don't try, don't know do you.  

Well it's raining heavy here so they'll be no walking this morning, although that's probably a blessing until I get mom back to feeling okay with me going out for a couple of hours, she's still very scared and clingy at the moment, I'm positive it'll improve though.

Right short and sweet today, I want to get my hands on that cotton and hook!  Here's to a great day, however you spend it. 

Mwah, luv ya

love me 

Saturday, 12 October 2019

Time to chill

Saturday 12th October 2019
Once you need less you will have more.

 I had a very calm day yesterday, it is my favourite state of being I think, of all the emotions out there,  being calm has to be up there as how I like to spend my days.  It helps me handle situations that can be difficult, although yesterday wasn't difficult at all, mom was good, she slept a lot of the day because of being awake so much of the night before, it's a bit of a dilemma for me actually, if I try to keep her awake, she would maybe sleep better on the night but if she sleeps in the day, I get to have a bit of me time, mmmm decisions, decisions, this was the position me and Alfie spent most of yesterday once he'd been walked and I had my massage.

In case you hadn't worked it out she refused to go to the hospital and to be fair, I completely understand.  I had a conversation with her, which she understood, I showed her a video of what would happen at the hospital and explained why they were doing it and what may happen if they didn't do it and she chose not to go and I'm thankful that she still has the strength of character to make those decisions herself, I know even before the Alzheimers she wouldn't have gone anyway so I don't feel bad about not making her go.

My brother came and sat with her whilst I had my massage and stayed till noon, he even offered to treat us to a KFC bucket and let's just have it noted I've been fancying one for a few days now, but I declined because I knew it wouldn't do our bodies any good, mom would end up feeling sick and I once again wouldn't lose any weight.  Instead I settled for a SlimWell ready meal from Aldi, the chicken and chorizo style sausage paella one, I wouldn't buy it again, it wasn't for me.  But it was only 11SP as opposed to whatever the bucket would've set me back so all was good.

I'm making a fish pie of some sort today, the fish has been defrosting overnight in the fridge, I'm thinking instead of mash, topping it with cubed roasted potatoes, mmm nom nom and I might be really lazy and use a can of soup as the sauce instead of making a white sauce, although a cheese white sauce would be lush.  There's loads of recipes on the WW app for me to check out.

I'm looking forward to my workshop this morning, catching up with my girls before the work bit starts and seeing my bestie who treated me to my massage yesterday, how lucky am I to have such caring and kind friends, I thought I'd sleep for the hour I was there but I didn't thankfully, I got to enjoy most of the massage before falling asleep towards the end lol.

I fancy a good film this afternoon, hope I can find one, we watched Hancock with Will Smith yesterday followed by a Terminator, the 2015 one, I'd seen both before, I want something uplifting or funny so any suggestions would be appreciated.  I'm a sucker for a romcom too, to be fair.

Right better go shower, wake myself up, although we had an early, early night, in bed and lights out by 8 and bless her, since I said to her the other night, mom I really need to get some sleep, it seems to have stuck in her head because when she does wake up I can hear her telling her teddies she's got to be quiet cos Bev needs to sleep.  I love that old lady so much, all I want for her is to be at peace in her head, I wished I could guarantee that, but I can't, I can only do what I can do.

Here's to enjoying the weekend, mwah

Luv ya

Love me xx

Friday, 11 October 2019

Keep going...

Friday 11th October 2019
Remember your spirit needs recharging as least as often as your phone, make time to reconnect with yourself.

mmm what to talk about, the obvious would be mom, lack of sleep and the difficulty I'm going to have this morning trying to get mom to the hospital but you know what, I'm living it, I don't feel the need to share it today, if I was to believe everything she told me last night, I'd think my sister had held a party without me here yesterday, the amount of visitors mom told me she'd had.  Yeah let's not even talk about it.  Let's talk about other stuff.

Yesterday was World Health Day and I thoroughly enjoyed my workshops, everyone thinking about alternative ways to handle stress, in one workshop we discussed different breathing techniques, this was an example of one, https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=gvtx62lUho0  you could google other ones.  But you can't beat taking a few deep breathes when you're getting stressed out, we all know the 'count to 10' idea, it does work.

I've got a massage booked this morning, I'm hoping moms going to be okay for an hour whilst I go, I didn't want to cancel it because I didn't get one last week as had a training day.  This is my must have Self Care thing, one hour each week where I don't have to think about anyone else and where someone else is taking care of my needs, it also will hopefully get rid of some of those sore muscles in my back!

I managed to maintain my weight this week and I'm really pleased with that because it would've been so easy to go off track with everything that's happened.  I survived yesterday without giving into all the cravings I had, oh and I had an awful lot of cravings, I wanted Greggs for breakfast (had toast instead), then as the day went on, every time someone mentioned something, I wanted it, pizza, doughnuts, kfc, Chinese, Indian to name but a few and instead I had gammon and egg with mushrooms for lunch and corned beef hash for tea.  Yeah I had a few nibbles but nothing compared to what I could've had, so I survived a sleep deprived, stressful day and I know I can do that again.

Crochet and sleep have now become my two favourite things to do, this week anyway, this weekend will mostly be spent doing as little as possible, I'm hoping once today is done mom will be a little less agitated, I'm sure it's because of the hospital that's she's been worse and I haven't mentioned it this morning yet but when I do, if there's even the least resistance I'm going to phone and apologise but say we won't be going.  Whatever the ECG says, she won't agree to any kind of surgery, the other option the doctor mentioned was blood thinners, so why they can't just give her them I don't know.  What she does need is something to calm her mind so she can settle at night instead of waking up at midnight ready to get out of bed.

Now I haven't planned any meals today, so I need to get on the case because Friday's can be a dangerous day at the best of times, but this Friday is going to be even more of a challenge, I'm thinking fast food, there's a frozen meal in the freezer, or microwave rice, I'll go check out the kitchen, egg fried rice maybe, pretend it's Chinese, could do noodles.  Whatever I have it will be fast food, no standing in the kitchen for me.

Back to the stress thing, here are some thoughts that help me when I'm getting wound up and stressed out, after my big, full on drama queen strop, that most certainly helps, I do love a good rant.  Then I try to use the 5 by 5 rule, if it's not going to matter in 5 days, 5 weeks or 5 years, don't spend more than 5 minutes stressing or being upset about it.   I remind myself I'm doing the best I can with the situation I have, it's okay not to be okay and that I shouldn't stress over things I cannot control.

I then try to look for the things that make my life better, than make me smile, I look out for the sunrise or sunset, watch the sparrows on the bird feeder, notice the dog sleeping on the landing content and care free, these things calm and soothe me more than eating a big jam doughnut would and they don't make the scales go up.

It's half six in the morning, I've managed to get some sleep despite being woke up a few times, so today is already a good day, the struggle is real but so is the strength.

Here's to being strong today but knowing it's okay that I cried myself back to sleep in the early hours of this morning, because tears don't mean your weak, they mean you're expressing your emotions instead of holding it all in.  Crying is your eyes speaking when your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is xx

It's all good, I'm smiling this morning, mwah

Luv ya, smile back xx

Love me xx

Thursday, 10 October 2019

Budget Bev! Wish me luck!

Thursday 10th October 2019
If you avoid the conflict to keep the peace,  you start a war inside yourself.

Yay, early morning wake up call at 3am this morning, just what I needed before my longest working day of the week, water at the ready, eyes drops and a we can survive smile, good to go here.  Moms got her, 'let's talk to Bev like she's my servant' voice on - that's fun - NOT!   Sorting her bedroom drawers out at half 3, that's when I realised I wasn't going to be getting any more sleep than I'd already had lol.  I'd feel sorry for myself but I get to go to work, it's one thing having to sit in your own house not being able to go anywhere or do anything, it's quite another when you're having to sit in someone else's house, which is what my sister is going to have to do whilst I'm at work ;( that can't be any fun at all can it.

So to help my stress this month, I'm setting myself a challenge, I'm aware that I've been overusing my credit card lately, spending makes me happy, a bit like eating, but it also leads me into debt and I've been there, done that, didn't like it.  My challenge is, my credit card month starts on the 10th, so from today, I'm not going to use my card for a month, I'm also going to budget the cash I spend and the only spending I'm going to do is in Aldi and only what I need.  I'm going to have a cheapo month, make use of what's in the cupboard and freezer, hopefully it'll help my weight loss too, can't eat it if it isn't there can I!

I made a delicious corned beef hash yesterday, cubed my spuds and parboiled them before frying, I think if I did it again, I'd maybe roast them in the oven.  Fried some onions, added the cubed corned beef and some sweetcorn, it was really yummy, had it with some broccoli spears that I'd bought Monday before last from Aldi and it was still ok to eat, plus there's enough for today and a portion has gone in the freezer for later in the month.  Yeah, budget Bev is getting her thing on!  I want to get my food bill down, Aldi has shown me I can do that.  With everything that's going on with mom, learning to live on less can only be a good thing as I don't know what the future holds, she's not getting any better and it won't get any easier will it.

I'm thinking gammon, mash and veg today, I still have those two rounds in the fridge, then I can have the other corned beef hash for my tea when I get home.

Right I'm going to make the most of being awake this early and get my paperwork done, I might even fit in half hour of crochet, sit with mom for a bit to try calm her down. Here's to surviving the day on track, we got this.

Luv ya, mwah

Love me xx

Wednesday, 9 October 2019

Who would you be without your story?

Wednesday 9th October 2019
Don't allow your wounds turn you into a person you are not.

Well I've just started my day in a lovely way, I lay on the bed with my mom until she dropped back off to sleep, she fidgets and talks to herself as she starts to doze, even wakes back up talking because her dreams are so realistic, but I can now here her 'sleeping breathing' as I recognise it and know that's she's settled.  My life is different again now than it was from this time last week and once again my sister and I will adjust.  I'm focusing on what I have in my life, not what I don't have.  One day I will look back on this time and only remember the good moments for that I will be grateful.  

Yesterday was a reminder to me of a wonderful lady called Byron Katie, who through here writings taught me about 'who would you be without your story', she is now huge around the world for her method 'The Work' which you can find on the website https://thework.com for free, it's four questions and a turnaround which helps clarity situations in your life, I have found it invaluable on a good few occasion.  Byron Katie suffered from depression for many years, and in her words, 'I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn't believe them, I didn't suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always'  Whether you believe that or not is of course optional but I have found it really helpful when I'm having certain thoughts and making my own version of a situation (story) because what I am believing in that moment very well might not be true!  We overthink a lot, I did it yesterday, something happened, I thought about it all day, felt guilty, felt like I'd handled the situation badly, thought I'd hurt/upset or offended someone, misread something I'd seen and it wasn't until later when that person got back to me and said no I hadn't at all, that I realised I'd made my own version of the truth up without having the facts, I was basing it all on a lot of assumptions.

I think we've all done it at some time haven't we, maybe someone you know walks past you in the street, they completely ignore you, so you spend the rest of the day wandering what you've done to upset them, when in reality, they didn't even see you, they'd just had a call to say one of their kids had fallen and the school needed them to come fetch him (or something similar), they were in a rush, a panic, they didn't even see you in their panic.  Yep who would you be without your story.  How much unnecessary suffering do we cause ourselves?  

The more we listen to and question our thoughts, the better we can feel, there's a lot about mental health in the news at the moment and this is a great way of keeping our stress levels down.  

Of course we're talking stress this week and last night I heard how a teaching assistant had got her class doing some breathing exercises and a bit of meditation to calm them all down, this truly made my day, much better than putting one on a naughty step for sure.  How great is it that she's teaching these children a coping mechanism that they can use throughout their lives.  We could all do with learning similar, if you have the WW app, check out headspace, if you don't use youtube or google to find something.  Once you've got the techniques you can do it without anything but yourself.  

After the week I've had I'll be happy with a maintain on the scales today, that at least shows I'm not thinking 'sod it' when a stressful situation arises, I've also been hormonal this week, so those two things together followed by a maintain is pretty bloody awesome actually.  I've just given myself a mental pat on the back, I know I'm almost a stone lighter than I was at the beginning of this year, that'll do me, I will end this year lighter than I started it and that is progress on the past couple of years before it, when I used my moms condition as an excuse to emotionally eat.  

One of my members lost a dear friend this week and she commented in my group 'today I feel like I am questioning everything! Does it matter if I'm fat what's the point? Life is for living eat the cake drink the wine you could be gone tomorrow! I'm just utterly devastated'

This was very close to my attitude for those first couple of years of moms diagnosis, 'I'm probably gonna get dementia anyway, what the damn point of eating healthy blah blah'. Then I realised yeah I could be gone tomorrow, I may end up with dementia but there was no reason to sabotage myself and get there sooner, there are so many illnesses that I could end up with that come from mistreating my body and they don't guarantee an early death, they just guarantee I'd endure a life of pain and discomfort.  This was a turning point for me, 
the better I treat my body, the more I take care of myself, the less likely I am to end up with dementia or other conditions which is why I will never stop trying to be healthy and focus on my self care.  Hopefully you'll see that too and we can both have a great day. 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

Tuesday, 8 October 2019

What's life really about?

Tuesday 8th October 2019
It's not what happens, it's how you handle it.

I was actually trying to decide a 'shall I, shan't I' moment when the above quote came up in my time line and I helped me to decide yes I should.  Kindness is crucial to this world, so when possible, always be kind.

Well the one positive thing to come out of this past difficult week is that I haven't turned to food for comfort, don't get me wrong, I haven't been the best WWer, but I've not gone looking for distraction or a bit of happy in the fridge.  That's something I guess, I'll be happy with a maintain this week.

Last night I watched my mom have a full on emotional breakdown when she realised she couldn't remember the doctor coming to see her earlier at all, she sat and cried as she suddenly appreciated the severity of her situation, it was horrid to watch.  I managed to calm her down and one of the things I explained to her which helped in that moment was this, mom you're not going insane nor losing your mind, you're losing your short term memory but in the moment you're still with me and that's all that matters, you're safe and secure, my sister and I will always make sure of that.  I also went on to explain because of the medication I take for my epilepsy, I actually have no long term memory, it's very difficult to explain my memory but it is completely dreadful, I only reminisce when friends and loved ones sit with me and tell me about things that have happened, there's very little I can remember for myself without help.  Mom has total recall of things that happened in junior school, I can barely recall what my school was called.  As we sat crying together, I think she took some comfort in my mumbled explanations and that I assured her as long as we're happy in that moment, none of it matters.  She did ask, 'but what about when I can't remember anything?' I answered her honestly, then it won't matter will it because you won't know but you'll still be safe.  You can't even imagine and wouldn't want to put yourself in her head right now would you!  My next challenge is to get her to the  Heart & Lung department hospital on Friday for tests as she has leaky valves, that'll be fun - NOT!  At least my brothers going to give us a lift so we don't have to stress over parking.

The workshops this week are about stress, that'll be fun, but I might pick up some tips at least, I do think there is so much stress in the world that it's good that we look at it and find different techniques for coping with it.   When some people see me ranting, they'd think I'm super stressed and not coping well at all, but the truth is, that ranting is what's helping, I don't hold in how I feel, if I'm frustrated, stressed, angry etc by getting it out, I can move on, then I calm down and I'm okay again.  I have realised the best way for me to look after mom and not go insane, is to do less, to relax more, to sit with my crochet for hours.  Yes it might mean my wages have gone down but as long as I can cover my bills and buy food and yarn, it's all good.

What stresses you out?  Sometimes I think taking things too seriously doesn't help, occasionally it's good to stop and take a deep breathe and ask yourself if you're being OTT, I did it yesterday, when I realised I was getting super worked up over a situation, I'd had to run back from the other side of the estate with the dog when I'd seen on the camera on my phone that mom was outside looking for me because the bloody doctor had called us on the landline about doing house call instead of using my mobile!   Once I realised she was okay, I could calm down and the situation couldn't be reversed, I told myself to calm down, lesson learned, my sister and I had already been having the conversation, but now we knew 100% that mom can't be left alone at all from now on, not even for half hour, she's scared to be left now anyway so this was the decider.  Yay, my sister has to come round my house at 7.30am so I can go to work, poor love, but it is what it is as we've both agreed.

Anyway, I need to go to work, so now I've bored you all with a day in the life of a carer, you can go about your own day and hopefully appreciate things a little bit more knowing life ain't so bad, I can't even nip to the Co-op anymore if the fancy takes me, or take the dog for a walk without sorting my sister out to come round - YAY, not!

Despite all that, I'm smiling because I'm still managing to get my mom to smile and even laugh out loud and that my friends, is what life's all about, love and laughter, not food and weight!  Enjoy your day, mwah.

Luv ya

Love me xx

Monday, 7 October 2019

Bed, I love you x

Monday 7th October 2019
Only those who care about you can hear you when you're quiet.

See this right here, this makes me very, very happy.  After two nights of very little sleep, she finally slept well, only waking a couple of times but she went back to sleep and I feel like I've caught up on my sleep so I'm very, very, very, happy if I hadn't already mentioned it.  I don't function well without sleep, and focusing on 'weight loss' well, that's almost impossible (not quite though). 

I couldn't go walking with my brother yesterday because mom didn't want me leaving her, she felt scared, still asking when we're going home, then realising she's already there, but he did pop round with a pressie for me, how thoughtful is this, so I can put him in my room and see a heron every morning, such a lovely, kind gesture and I love him, bought from a boat man at Bentley Bridge, they were passing through, so that's even better because he is one of my canal herons, can you tell I'm sitting typing with a big grin on my face, yep and teary eyes too but we'll blame the hormones for that and relief over sleep. 

The next thing that made me feel loved was this wonderful post on Facebook; 

Kell had also messaged me to check in on me and offer to help anytime, even if it was just to walk Alfie for me.  It's so good to know I have so many special people in my life that I can draw on for help because unlike in the past where I was one of those idiots that think they have to cope and do everything for themselves, I've learned that it's wise to accept help, we have tribes for a reason.  It is crazy how we met though, Whilst I was chatting to her every day whilst out walking Alfie, my bestie Vicky was hanging out with her at exercise classes and trying to convince her to join WW with her, neither of us realised with had a mutual friend until she arrived in my workshop and we both said, oh we know each other already..

Anyway, food, weight loss, focusing on my health, self care - wow that's been a challenge this weekend, tiredness is my kryptonite, it weakens my resolve and lets the voices into my head saying, "ooo you could use this time as an excuse to have all those foods you like that are high in Smart Points and you wouldn't have when you're on track.  Go take a drive to McDonalds, you fancy a really good burger, or meet me half way and go buy burgers and cobs from the Co-op". Around teatime, it changed tactics, "You haven't had a Chinese takeaway in forever, chicken chow mien and egg fried rice, nom nom, you really wanted a roast dinner with gravy like all those you've seen splashed all over Facebook, so have a takeaway instead - you're too tired to cook".  And on and on and on the greedy git kept on at me, I didn't do either of those suggestions but I did do lazy food and went over my allowance, but it could've been a whole heap worse.  

For breakfast I ate the last few beans as a cheesy bean toastie, it was lush, cost me about 12SP but blah, a maccy's would have been nearer 30SP. 

This was the closest I was getting to cooking a dinner, I just threw the lamb chops in the oven with those Aldi potato skins and added some frozen veg, Alfie helped me demolish the chops, there were 4 in total, 2 lamb chops loin are 12SP they're really nice though.  

Today I'll mostly be cooking the chicken breasts out of the fridge, I have a packet of butter chicken curry sauce to use, so that sounds like a plan.  Need to use up all the foods I have in cupboards and freezer so no need to go shopping this week really apart from a few bits and bobs, lots of fish still in my freezer.  #OnItOctober has been a bit more like #OnItOffItOctober but it's all good, true WWers just draw a line and get back on track, that's what I intend to do this morning, I'm quite pleased with myself for not giving into the takeaway or McDonalds.

Now what to have for breakfast, this weather and my hormones is making me want lots of carbs, I think I need to balance out by including some protein, I need some eggs don't I, yeah defo, with some cherry tomatoes, nom nom, I might even through a gammon round on the plate, bought some small ones from Aldi, think they work out at a bargain 3SP each, I'll have a big breakfast then I won't eat again till teatime.   

Hope you've got your day planned, let's all have a good day, we've got this. Mwah xx

Luv ya, 

Love me xx

Sunday, 6 October 2019

Take time to talk!

Sunday 6th October 2019
Look up at the  stairs not down at your feet!

Well mom let me sleep till 3am this morning, but I'm going to go to the doctors tomorrow and ask for an appointment for her, she's having some shortness of breath so panicking and seems scared if I say I'm going anywhere, so time for looking for some solutions and some sleep!

Anyway, on a much happier note, yesterday morning was just brilliant, we all waited for Cindy to arrive as she was so close to achieving her goal, the excitement of everyone as she stepped on the scales was wonderful.   Her reactin even better, you can watch it here 

Happy tears followed as we hugged, I really do have the best job in the world, getting to know incredible people like Cindy and hearing their back story whilst watching them become a version of themselves that they want to be, a happier, healthier version.  Cindy's story is not mine to tell but trust me it's one that shows how strong a human can be.  I can share this lovely letter she wrote me though (I asked for permission), reading this made me very emotional, it also made me feel proud, that I do make a difference, that I am a good human being, for that I thank her right back.  It bought back conversations we'd had over those years, the 'barriers and walls' one wasn't the first thing I said to her 5 years ago lol.  

I've put the jar on the shelf in my bedroom as a constant reminder that we can all make a difference if we only try.  Nothing worth having comes easy, Cindy is proof of that, lots of members in my workshops are, Cindy is just one example, I'm truly blessed to live in a world like this, my WW community helps me in so many ways.


OH my gosh, I'm sat here in tears!  Mom and I are watching last nights BGT and they've just done the 1 minute silence for Britain to Talk, so we did.  If you didn't watch it, BGT interrupted the show to launch a new mental wellness campaign, backed by a host of ITV's top stars. ( read more here https://www.itv.com/news/2019-10-05/britain-s-got-talent-falls-silent-to-encourage-viewers-to-get-talking-about-mental-health/) Something  as simple as talking together and listening to each other can build our mental wellness. This is so true, that one conversation I had with Cindy made a huge difference, we can all be there for each other, to listen to one another, I'm blessed to have lots of lovely people in my life who let me sound off, it helps me massively when it comes to coping with moms illness, yes talking really does help, so let's put our phones down and do more xx

Enjoy your Sunday, I'm hoping for a snooze later!  Bev can not live on wine alone, I also need sleep lol. Mwah, 

Love ya and thank you for being part of my world.

Love me 

Saturday, 5 October 2019


Saturday 5th October 2019
A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.
Well I had a wonderful training session with WW yesterday, but boy was I tired when I got home, not gonna lie I was ready for bed by 4pm, but I couldn't go until mom did, we did manage to go up at 7.30pm though, which was lovely and thankfully we did because it didn't last.  Mom's had me awake since about half twelve, oh yeah, we've been watching tipping point since then as it was the only way I could calm her down and take her mind off things, she was having difficulty breathing, a bit of a panic attack I think because she was breathing okay, well as okay as she does these days but she was overthinking everything.  It's now 5am, she's totally confused as to why we're up because she's forgot about what happened 4 hours earlier, I think she's going back to bed for a sleep, whilst I get ready for work.  At least my sister should get a quiet morning and I'll be home by 11 so can chill the rest of the day and hopefully get an early night again.

Now it's common knowledge a lack of sleep can make you fat - google it, there's loads of info telling you about it, there's also lots of stuff on the importance of sleep, how to make your environment conducive to relaxation, blah blah blah, however there isn't anything telling me how to stay on track when sleep deprived.  Because yes we all WANT to sleep, but it isn't always possible is it, whether it be someone like me who's a carer, or a mother with a young baby, or even a menopausal woman who's having hot sweats and sleep issues.  What I wanted was advice on how to stay on track and survive the day ahead, not some moron telling me I need to get more sleep - I know that already!

I'm thinking, make sure I drink plenty of water to keep me hydrated.  I know it's tempting to opt for a coffee but that will just mess with my stress hormones, so I'll just have the one cup at most.  Snack smart, I know I'm going to be hungrier, I've already had two slices of toast, carbs will want to be my friend, my brain will be trying to convince me to eat myself awake, I need to resist the carb crap, available being tempted by sugar and instead veer myself towards protein rich foods and complex carbs to keep my blood sugars balanced.

I'll go and have a shower in a minute, wake me up that will, then I'll be good to go, I think she's asleep now, maybe I'll get a snooze this afternoon, if not I just need to not go off track, I'm already hormonal so it's going to be a real challenge lol.  Hey ho, this is all part of being a grown up isn't it.

Hopefully you've had a better night and you're looking forward to your day ahead, we've got this!

Mwah, luv ya

Love me xx

Friday, 4 October 2019

Liar, Liar, pants on fire!

Friday 4th October 2019
Let the past make you better not bitter.

Busy morning but looking forward to seeing folk at our training session, yesterday was a good day too, love my workshops when they go off in their own direction.   Yesterday we talked about the whole parenting yourself like I wrote about in yesterday's blog but I also asked members about the lies we tell ourselves and as we chatted, I told them about the sherry I'd bought and I stood there and said, 'I'll text my sister and tell her to take it home with her', then I laughed and admitted that I'd just lied to them all, I knew I wouldn't, but after we all laughed, I actually realised as much as I hadn't really meant it, it was what I did want to do because I knew it wouldn't help my weight loss journey drinking it, so I sent that message and she did take it away, so there's loads of Smart Points I've saved.  I also buy certain foods on occasion when shopping telling myself they're for mom, when I know damn well deep down, it's because I like them too and I'll end up eating some of them. 

What are your lies?  Here's a few suggestions, 

I'll start tomorrow / Monday / The first of the month / Once this stressful time is over?  

Commitment is hard!  We want to do this, but we also want to over eat, or we may not see it as overeating, that Friday Night treat, whether it be a curry, something from the Chinese or a Pizza or that cake at the McMillan Coffee morning, we want it!  And you can have those  treats as long as you're eating healthy the rest of the time, but have you noticed the damn portion sizes of these things these days, a 'slab' of cake, it used to be a slither or a slice, the last time I weighed a chow mien from a takeaway it weighed 666g (sign of the devil should say plenty), I once weighed a bag of chips from the fish & chip shop and it was 2.5kg - that's ridiculous and seriously, ridiculously too much food for 1 or even 2 people.  Instead of saying let's lose weight, commit to healthy living, it's a way of life not something you start and stop when you feel like it.  If you get the balance, weight loss will be the side effect.  
along the way if you eat healthy most of the time. Commit to healthy living and give dieting the boot. Think of it as a way of life instead of something that has a start and end date.
I'll just have one...that won't hurt
More like one hundred lol, but yes having one won't hurt, but there's not many of us that can stop at just one, and how many times will you have one, if you have a Malteser every half hour, that adds up to a damn big bag over the day, everything has calories in, even the zero stuff.  We were talking about spray oil in my FB group yesterday, not the spray light stuff but the normal oil in a pump action container, apparently you can have 8 pumps for zero, but if you do that every morning as you fry your egg, over a week thats, 7 x 8 pumps (you do the math), it adds up and before you know it, you've probably had 2 or 3 tablespoons of oil -  it's 56 pumps by the way.  I could even put 8 pumps in one pan for frying my sausage and then LIE to myself and put 8 pumps to fry my egg, 8 pumps are zero after all.  
Everyone else can eat what they want - it's not fair 
Suck it up buttercup, you're not everybody else!  If you want to lose weight, you have to make some uncomfortable decisions, but look at the rewards that come from those decisions.  And trust me, everyone else cannot eat what they want, if you look around the table in the restaurant, those people overeating have either compensated beforehand by making wiser food choices, or they too have a weight problem, we can hide our eating behaviour but our body can't! 
It's only a bite of the kids plate - that doesn't count.
Hear my now momma, if you're finishing the kids crusts, those last few chips, ooo a couple of Haribo's in the bag they discarded, they're gonna add up, they will stop you losing weight over time.  'But it's a waste of food' (oh there's another lie), where's the waste bin, in the corner or in your tummy?  It'll be a waste when you can't get your fat pants on and you have to go shopping to buy more! 
I deserve a treat, I've had a hard week / bad day / fill in the blank yourself 
Don't treat yourself with food, you're not a dog!  There's other things you can treat yourself to, other ways to relieve the stresses of the week, think about what else you enjoy doing.  Food treats joking aside, should be exactly that a treat occasionally.  When we eat because we're stressed it never ends well and we don't feel better afterwards thus adding to our stress. 
I've blown it now, I may as well carry on.
ERM really!  We both know that's a lie, so I don't really have to say anything more.  That's probably followed by the lie I'll get back on it tomorrow - yeah right, course you will! 
Diet foods is too expensive.
Erm no it isn't, what's expensive is having to buy new clothes every time you go up a size.  And trust me an apple is no more expensive than a chocolate bar.  
It's a diet chocolate bar, it's fine.
Again, still got calories in, not really any such thing as diet chocolate, it's just smaller and you'll probably eat 2 or 3 of them. 
I could go on and on but I've got to get washed and dressed for my drive to Stoke, so I'll leave you with the question 'what are the lies I tell myself', that'll keep you amused all day, only if you're honest with yourself though, is your 'small portion' really enough to feed a family of four?  I've even lied in my food photos, took the pic, then added more food or gone back for more!  Yeah we all tell lies, but if we start to admit them, it'll help our journey!
Luv u though, mwah 

Love me xx

Thursday, 3 October 2019

No! Because I said so!

Thursday 3rd October 2019
Once in a while blow your own damn mind.

After a dentist appointment for a filling, followed by a half hour work call in my car, I got on the scales to be told I gained 1/2lb yesterday morning, was I impressed - not one little bit.   I quietly sulked about it all day, I actually probably didn't snap out of it till I'd started weighing my own members on the night and was reminded of some of the things I say to them when they step on my scales.  I could've continued to sulk, decided to feed my face and give up on this weight loss lark but I'm not going to do that of course.  Because my WW journey it isn’t just about the numbers on the scale, it's so much more, I feel healthier, I’ve drunk lots of water this week, my aches & pains have lessened and I feel good once I'd stopped sulking, so I had an healthy tea, 

I had chicken, veg and onion gravy, the chicken had been cooked in the slow cooker, I usually just put it in on it's own with nothing else but I had a packet of frozen diced onions so I put them in the slow cooker first and plonked the chicken on top, put it on low and left it all day (11 hours actually, I've never really left it that long, I forgot it was on, I usually cook on high for about 4 hours), when I got home last night, it fell apart, it always looks anaemic but it's succulent, and with all the liquid that had come out the chicken into the onions, I added some gravy granules and made onion gravy, nom nom. 

Those Aldi cheese and bacon topped potato skins are good too at 3SP each; 

I ended up buying that book I mentioned yesterday, its given me a couple of things to think about, but nothing mind blowing, one thing she did mention which stuck though was 'Parent yourself', I like the idea of this.  Think about it, if you wouldn't let your child eat it, then don't let yourself.  You wouldn't let them sit and stuff a full packet of biscuits/pringles/cake whatever at night before bedtime so don't let yourself!  It's time we all put our big girl (boy) pants on and behaved like grown ups ain't it?  How many times have you said to a kid, "NO, because I said so!' well start saying it to yourself!  It's a good question to start asking yourself, 'would you allow your child to.....' fill in as necessary, depending on whether it's food or behaviour related.  It might not be what you're eating, it might be how your talking to yourself in the mirror or beating yourself up over your behaviour, ask yourself 'what would you say to a child'.

Well I've been awake since 3.30am, thankfully went to bed around 9ish, mom was talking to herself, giving me a running commentary on what was happening in the bathroom.  I don't think she realises anymore that others can hear her, that she might be waking me up, she's just in her own little world, but sometimes she's scared in that little world, like this morning she couldn't find the light switch, I'll sort a night light out for the landing today, that should help.  

Have you noticed when it's for someone else we all go that little bit further, I'd do anything for my mom, you'd probably do anything for a loved one too, but what about you, what are you doing for you?  I'm taking this self-care super seriously because it's making me feel so much better.  My skin care routine is going good so far, I haven't forgotten once, I've been upstairs and thought, oops need to go down and do that face stuff, which is also reminding me to clean my teeth at night (I know I should automatically do that anyway, but I do forget, well I did, not anymore, I don't want any more fillings thank you very much, although I didn't feel the needle at all - phew), anyway I'm seeing a difference in my skin and I love the way it feels.  Taking care of my outside, is reminding me that I also want to take care of my inside too. 

I have cooked chicken ready to through in something today, I also have beansprouts that need using so I'm thinking some kind of stir fry, maybe add some hoisin or teriyaki sauce, get a bit Chinese, nom nom.  I need to think about working, I'm out at training tomorrow so need to get myself sorted, I won't make the mistake of leaving mom an Aldi cheese sandwich this time, that she won't eat but I will when I get back, nope, I'll ask my sister to offer to make her something if she wants it. 

Here's to being organised, here's to #OnItOctober - you with me? 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx