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Friday, 30 August 2019

I always mean what I say!

Friday 30th August 2019
Love the people the universe gave you because one day it will want them back.

I love my phone, I use it for so many things, Facebook, emails, candy crush, camera, communicating (remember when that one would've come first).  One of my most used apps on there though is the Notes where I write things I want to remember, but sometimes I also use it to write what's in my head to stop me exploding!  yesterday after an encounter on the morning in Greggs, yeah Greggs, we'll come back to that later on, I had it going over and over in my head so I wrote my thoughts down, this is what I wrote; 

Don’t tell me what I think, how to feel, or I don’t mean what I say!  You don’t know what it’s like in my head, in my world. Don’t tell me you understand the situation in my house because you know someone with Dementia or your relative had Alzheimer’s.  Your situation isn’t mine, no two cases are identical just as no two personalities are the same. Yes there will be similarities maybe but that is all, you don't know me that well, not many do. 

So what happened well I was honest and people don't always want you to be, I'm blunt, anyone who's known me long enough knows this (& they've known me over 25 years so more than most) especially when I'm tired, stressed and wishing I was someplace else.  They asked me how my mom was, my reply was 'alive', I then said, 'although some days I wished she wasn't'.  There I said it, I'm not going to lie and anyone who cares for someone with Alzheimers 24/7 who's never had that thought, is either a liar or a bloody angel!  Her reply was 'you don't mean that', I didn't hear anything else, it was something like, I wished mine was, I lost her in July, but by now I was annoyed by the 'you don't mean that', I did mean it, she's not my mom anymore, yes we have clear moments of clarity and I can still make her laugh and smile but they don't outweigh the stranger that sits in my living room, I miss my mom, I really do, she was my best friend, hell my mom misses herself, I know she's wished herself dead more than once.  One of my members was upset last night because she'd had her dog put to sleep, see the difference is we're more humane with animals, we put them at peace, but no not humans, we let them suffer. 

So no, don't ever tell anyone how they feel or what they should think because you just don't understand what's going on in their head.  Thankfully my day did get better, although I walked straight back into hell at lunchtime, thankfully by the evening when I got home she was in a better mood and actually pleased to see me, phew.  

So yeah, Greggs, I hadn't got any bread and couldn't decide what to have for breakfast so I was going to stop at the Co-op for a loaf and something to take to work, but as I pulled up I spotted Greggs and thought, mmm I've not been in there in a very long time, I've never been in at breakfast time, so I did and am I glad I did, other than my encounter, I had a sausage and bacon baguette, 17SP of amazing, it sorted me right out and made me so happy, deliciousness.  

I then had some lovely workshops and chat with amazing people, some returning from their summer holidays, laughing at their gains because they've had amazing times, resilient people who are going through hard times and are just keeping going.  They lifted my spirits they really did and the strong coffee from Greggs fuelled me.  

Anyway, when I was returning on the night, I realised I never did get that loaf so I stopped at the Co-op and they had a pizza reduced to £1.30 from £5.29, well I had no tea planned, it was a no brainer, I'd already blown my day, my moms mood hadn't helped, I'd just bumped into two lovely ladies I hadn't seen in a long time and they asked about mom, said they followed me on FB to see how she was, they understand and I had to stop talking about it as I was on the verge of tears, so yeah I decided I was going to eat my emotions and enjoy every mouthful.  

After my evening workshops, listening to tales of wonderful holidays, I decided that for the next 24 hours, maybe the entire weekend, I'm going to eat/drink like I'm on my holiday, because I can't have one, yeah I still have a workshop in the morning but the rest of the time, I'm chilling and pretending I'm in a cottage in Wales, after all mom's woke up in her chair a couple of times this week and asked if we're staying here or going home, she already thinks she's on her holidays!  

My pizza was immense, it was 40SP and I don't care, I might have cheesy scrambled eggs for breakfast, because I always think twice about the cheese when I'm on track and it's one of my favourite things, I might go get some fresh orange juice, the one in the milk bottle, so good.  I'm thinking fish finger baguette for dinner, nom nom.  possibly a Macdonalds and/or a Chinese at some point too, I'll decide when I'm hungry, I might not have any of it, but that's the beauty of being on a staycation, you can do what you want. 

You might think this blog isn't happy, or maybe it's sad or whatever, but it isn't, it's honest, I'm actually good, by not holding onto my thoughts and feelings I survive, yes yesterday I almost cried in the Co-op because I was sad, I miss my mom, I don't like not knowing what version of a person I'm going home to, if I'm going to be verbally attacked the minute I walk through the door, but I'm good now, I've woke up stronger after getting some sleep.

I've got my crochet hook and plenty of yarn, hopefully the Friday Sky movie release will be one I want to watch so I can enjoy that later, all is good in the world again.  Oh and I'm on my holiday lol.

Whatever your stresses and joys, know you are strong enough to handle it all and talk to others, don't bottle it up and if they don't wanna listen - sod em ;) 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

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