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Monday, 21 May 2018

Writing is therapeutic (once you spellcheck therapeutic!)

21st May 2018
Keep it simple.  start small.  Begin today.  Day one

I sat around in the garden most of yesterday, I did manage a bit of washing up and spent some times sorting the shed, oh and I moved the bird table and rearranged some of the garden because I’ve ordered a load of play sand because I’m going to make the space by the back door a bit of a sand beach without the sea.  Sitting round doing nothing is how I’m coping with my life right now.


I’ve had to stop here to bring the dog out for his walk - have I mentioned he’s the last dog I’m ever having! Absolutely ruined he is, although I have to take some of the blame for that myself...

Anyway, yeah I like to sit around in the sunshine doing nothing on my own, I had my audio book in my ears and did a bit of crochet but some of that time I just sat.

Mom came out for a while and can you believe the one time I didn’t mind her reading the papers to me because of the royal wedding - she didn’t!

Anyway whilst the sun shines I’m going to enjoy sitting in it as much as possible because I can. I’ve woke up in a good mood and I think mom has too which is a double bonus these days, dementia and peri-menopause is quite the combination.

Now I’m going to completely go off in a different direction because I like to write my thoughts and get them out my head, feel free to stop reading. Anyway the other day I was thinking about my situation, now don’t get me wrong I love my mom and I chose to be in this situation, I chose to be her carer and I’m good with that, everything is good honest (I don’t want anyone worrying about me because I know people do) and for the most part I’m coping really well, I’m doing a damn good job if I do say so myself. Why? Because I’m strong, because an incredible woman bought me up to be a survivor, because I watched her struggle and promised myself I’d never have that struggle or be in that kind of relationship - I wouldn’t be that person. You see I could never understand why she stayed, he wasn’t a good guy. Don’t get me wrong there was no physical violence but he was emotionally abusive for sure. I promised my mom and myself even as a kid that when I was old enough we’ed leave him and I’d take care of her. Sadly by the time I was old enough to do that, dad was too ill, she couldn’t leave him and the truth was she she didn’t want to leave him because she loved him.

Now I understand, for a long time I’ve realised he couldn’t help the person he was, it was about his upbringing, things were different then, it didn’t make it right but it did explain a lot. Let’s not delve into the whys and wherefores of my dad.

Anyway I digress, what I’ve realised about Alzheimer’s/ dementia, well my moms version of it that is, is that at times it’s like being in an emotionally abusive relationship, I never know which version of her I’m going to get when I walk in the house or when she wakes up in the morning, actually it can change on the hour, every hour. It’s like walking on eggshells! Thankfully I have that inner strength and love to realise she doesn’t even know she’s doing it most times and when she does, I can see and understand what’s causing it so I don’t take it personally. I just hide out in the garden or my office or I’ll sit there quietly with her until she comes round, some days I’ll manage to bring her round with a little silliness. Britain’s got talent helped me do it last night so for that I’m truly grateful to Amanda and the Welsh chap at the end of the show!

Thankfully I have friends, really good friends who are there if I need them and I know the worse she gets the more I’ll need them if only to scream at down the line. Because the truth is if we were talking about a man here and I was in the situation my mom was, I’d be gone in a heartbeat, love him or not, unless he had Alzheimer’s but even then.... I can’t honestly say I’d stay - this shits hard and I ain’t never loved any bloke that much which probably explains why I’m single :)

See I just wanted to get that out my head and now it is so I can go back to talking about food. I realised whilst chatting to one of my besties yesterday that for the first time ever probably I am 100% happy in my skin, I’ve been okay with how I look for a long time but I’ve always wanted to be thinner, now I’m okay with whatever I weigh as long as I’m taking care of myself and not using food/alcohol as a form of self abuse and I’m not, I’m enjoying it in moderation, a little too much for weight loss but not for weight gain so it’s all good. I’ve just looked back over the years since mom was diagnosed and there’s only a few pounds difference, this is obviously my happy weight.

And talking about happy, I ate one of these on a burger yesterday, damn it was good, I need to try more veggie burgers because that was the tastiest thing I’d had all week. On offer 2 packs for £4 so £1 a burger but only £1.25 usually, Waitrose isn’t as expensive as people presume it will be.

I’m still walking Alfie, it’s lovely out here and still relatively quiet, I’ve got paperwork to do but I’m tempted to wait till this afternoon when it’s forecast rain, and go have an hour in garden with my breakfast - might have one of those burgers - might not. Ooo the choices - decisions/decisions.

Are you happy with your world? If not can you make changes or do you feel trapped, I choose to have this world and I’ve made changes to make it more bearable.

My brother sent me a quote yesterday by Topher Kearby it read,

You can change your life by starting to work toward your goal today. It doesn’t have to be this major paradigm shift that we think it needs to be. Just make a simple choice to begin today in some small way and then make it happen. Call it ‘Day one’ and no matter what happens you’ll at least have begun your journey.

Keep it simple.
Start small.
Begin today.

Day one.

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