When we give more to ourselves, we can ask more from ourselves.
Well this Coronavirus affected my workshops yesterday, I was at least a third of my members missing and I'm guessing that's most likely why, so much information and opinions coming from all over the place. A member at the scales said to me, I bet you're really worried about it all because of your mom and I was like, 'No!', truth is like with everything else, I don't think about what could happen, I deal with the now, not saying that's the best way of coping but it works for me. My bestie asked me yesterday if I'd thought about what I'm going to do in the future if mom gets worse, then looked at me and said or are you just handling it day to day. Yep day to day is how I survive this dreadful disease and it's how I'll continue to cope with anything that comes along.
After what was still a lovely workshop with my lovelies, I walked into my house and said to mom, 'fancy going for a drive' and she said yes! That's the first time this year I've got her out and we drove round for an hour and a half and she talked non-stop, enjoying the scenery and watching the world go by. It was wonderful to have her in a good mood, it really was. I even got her to eat some dinner when we got back (she lives on crisps and biscuits mostly these days!). Yeah she had the same as me, but a lot less, I'm loving cod at the minute and this was delicious, Alfie helped me eat the carrots (random boy) and for 3 hours you wouldn't have really known dementia was in the house.
For a good hour, she talked and talked and talked and it was lovely.
And then as if someone flicked a switched, she turned, started by saying things like "it doesn't look like any of my kids are visiting me again!" Her mood completely turned to a negative one and thankfully we ended up going to bed early because at the same time Alfie was having one of his moments too, sat next to me panting and panting, I wished the vet hadn't messed with his medication, it was working so well and now we've got to wait for them to regulate again.
She's woke up this morning in a good mood, asking me if I'm Bev or Anne, then saying she's sorry for how she is and she tries not to be but she's grateful that we're looking after her. It's bloody heartbreaking, I mean look at that love face above, she's the most BeYOUtiful mom in the world and then when she turns it's like she's been possessed, I've almost took a photo because her face chances, it's like something from a horror film but I don't want a physical record of that image, it's already burned into my memory and I hate that it is because it's such a hurtful, painful image.
And this is why I just can't worry about my weight right now, I'm trying to eat healthier when I can but having something tasty to eat and drink is one of the things I have to look forward to, I'm not gonna lie. Yesterday was a really good day compared to the week we've had, but on those really bad days, well...
I really want to give her room a good clean and maybe paint it but I don't want it to make her worse than she already is, she already doesn't know when she's at home or somewhere else and wanting to go home but all of a sudden I'm aware of the dust in there, it's a bloody mess to be honest. Maybe if we all have to self-isolate or they close my workshops, I'll have the time and energy to get it done in a day and put everything back where it was just cleaner so she doesn't notice.
Anyway, now I've got all that out of my head and dumped in my blog, I can start another day. I do hope reading this makes you appreciate what you have and makes you want to make the best of every day. xx
Mwah, luv ya
Love me x