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Tuesday, 8 October 2019

What's life really about?

Tuesday 8th October 2019
It's not what happens, it's how you handle it.

I was actually trying to decide a 'shall I, shan't I' moment when the above quote came up in my time line and I helped me to decide yes I should.  Kindness is crucial to this world, so when possible, always be kind.

Well the one positive thing to come out of this past difficult week is that I haven't turned to food for comfort, don't get me wrong, I haven't been the best WWer, but I've not gone looking for distraction or a bit of happy in the fridge.  That's something I guess, I'll be happy with a maintain this week.

Last night I watched my mom have a full on emotional breakdown when she realised she couldn't remember the doctor coming to see her earlier at all, she sat and cried as she suddenly appreciated the severity of her situation, it was horrid to watch.  I managed to calm her down and one of the things I explained to her which helped in that moment was this, mom you're not going insane nor losing your mind, you're losing your short term memory but in the moment you're still with me and that's all that matters, you're safe and secure, my sister and I will always make sure of that.  I also went on to explain because of the medication I take for my epilepsy, I actually have no long term memory, it's very difficult to explain my memory but it is completely dreadful, I only reminisce when friends and loved ones sit with me and tell me about things that have happened, there's very little I can remember for myself without help.  Mom has total recall of things that happened in junior school, I can barely recall what my school was called.  As we sat crying together, I think she took some comfort in my mumbled explanations and that I assured her as long as we're happy in that moment, none of it matters.  She did ask, 'but what about when I can't remember anything?' I answered her honestly, then it won't matter will it because you won't know but you'll still be safe.  You can't even imagine and wouldn't want to put yourself in her head right now would you!  My next challenge is to get her to the  Heart & Lung department hospital on Friday for tests as she has leaky valves, that'll be fun - NOT!  At least my brothers going to give us a lift so we don't have to stress over parking.

The workshops this week are about stress, that'll be fun, but I might pick up some tips at least, I do think there is so much stress in the world that it's good that we look at it and find different techniques for coping with it.   When some people see me ranting, they'd think I'm super stressed and not coping well at all, but the truth is, that ranting is what's helping, I don't hold in how I feel, if I'm frustrated, stressed, angry etc by getting it out, I can move on, then I calm down and I'm okay again.  I have realised the best way for me to look after mom and not go insane, is to do less, to relax more, to sit with my crochet for hours.  Yes it might mean my wages have gone down but as long as I can cover my bills and buy food and yarn, it's all good.

What stresses you out?  Sometimes I think taking things too seriously doesn't help, occasionally it's good to stop and take a deep breathe and ask yourself if you're being OTT, I did it yesterday, when I realised I was getting super worked up over a situation, I'd had to run back from the other side of the estate with the dog when I'd seen on the camera on my phone that mom was outside looking for me because the bloody doctor had called us on the landline about doing house call instead of using my mobile!   Once I realised she was okay, I could calm down and the situation couldn't be reversed, I told myself to calm down, lesson learned, my sister and I had already been having the conversation, but now we knew 100% that mom can't be left alone at all from now on, not even for half hour, she's scared to be left now anyway so this was the decider.  Yay, my sister has to come round my house at 7.30am so I can go to work, poor love, but it is what it is as we've both agreed.

Anyway, I need to go to work, so now I've bored you all with a day in the life of a carer, you can go about your own day and hopefully appreciate things a little bit more knowing life ain't so bad, I can't even nip to the Co-op anymore if the fancy takes me, or take the dog for a walk without sorting my sister out to come round - YAY, not!

Despite all that, I'm smiling because I'm still managing to get my mom to smile and even laugh out loud and that my friends, is what life's all about, love and laughter, not food and weight!  Enjoy your day, mwah.

Luv ya

Love me xx

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