25th February 2018
On the difficult days, when the world’s on your shoulders, remember that diamonds are made under the weight of mountains.
Well I had a lovely morning yesterday, just about to finish off my meeting when my boss walked in and gave me my diamond coach award for 2017, that’s my 5th, it can sit on the window sill with my Jean Nidetch award and I can smile at it every morning. It was lovely to have members there to celebrate with me, my bestie was there by coincidence too which was a bonus. It was the end to what had been an interesting week of meetings.
As much as I love my job, I’m really looking forward to a day off today, I have lunch planned with my besties, then an evening of relaxation with my mom. I will do a couple of hours housework before I go out, that’s enough adulating for one day though.
I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last few weeks, I’ve been working on getting my balance back, I can’t remember what I’ve actually said in my blog and what I’ve not but my life has changed an awful lot over the last year or so, I’ve gone from being a single lady who lives with her best mate who’s her mom to being that moms full time carer and I’m absolutely okay with that because I love her and I’m happy to do it. However, it’s all different, throw in middle-aged hormones and peri-menopause and the fact that I’m losing my best friend one day at a time and at times it can be a little overwhelming.
In my meeting this week we’ve talked about ‘self-support’ not just with losing weight but with life, when life’s easy – weight loss is easy, when life’s hard or has its problems – weight loss isn’t so easy. Once we’d talked about the obvious ways to support yourself, I mentioned knowing when to ask for help. The thing with so many of us is we just keep going, we keep saying ‘it’s okay - I’ve got this’ when actually we haven’t, we’re struggling. To make matters worse, we don’t just keep trying to stay on top of everything we’ve got to do, we still offer to help others, oh yeah, “Hey, I’m drowning over here, trying to stay on top of all my crap, but what about I take on some of your crap too – what do you want me to do?” Yep, we do that because we’re helpful human beings who want to do things for others.
Because I’m an open book and I’ll tell anyone about me, I told my members how I’ve been struggling and I’m lucky enough to work for a company who support their employees with resources to help with life’s challenges and to support our health and well-being. I decided a couple of weeks ago that I was going to use this resource, because I had realised I needed support of some kind, so I called the helpline and asked for help. I had to answer some questions, the obvious one that made me smile was do you drink? Erm, yeah! How much do you drink? My reply, ‘More than I should, not as much as I’d like too!’, and the other one was along the lines of ‘are you suicidal’ but more subtle in the wording, erm no I’m not because then I wouldn’t be able to drink at all would I.
Anyway, the outcome was they said I was eligible for telephone counselling, 6 sessions to be exact and I had the first one last Monday, with my next tomorrow. Now I’ve never had counselling before so didn’t know what to expect, but I needed to talk to someone completely external to everything and process my thoughts so I was all for it. I’ve had life coaching before which was really good, but expensive and I know if I had to pay for counselling that wouldn’t be cheap either so I’m grateful to my employers for this service. One of the reasons why they’ve made it into The Times Top 100 companies this week.
The first session gave me plenty to think about, I processed quite a lot of stuff, obviously my situation with mom was one of the reasons I needed to talk but one of the things reinforced was I am more than happy to be looking after mom, something I do miss though is spontaneity, I’ve always been a spontaneous person and my mom’s illness has taken that away from me. In the past, I’ve woken up at 4am on a Sunday morning and thought, I could be in wales by 7, let’s go climb a mountain. I can’t do that now as I have to make sure mom has her medication, etc etc. I miss that spontaneity. Supporting myself in this situation means working out what I can do, and what I can do is what I have done, I’ve contacted my colleagues to see who can cover each of my meetings at short notice if I need them covered. This gives me the option to say hey, can you cover my meeting in the morning, I want to go climb a hill. Okay I may not make Wales, but the Wrekin is pretty awesome too. That’s called a compromise.
Which brings me to the other realisation I’ve had this week. I don’t like being a grown up! Moms illness has meant I’ve had to grow up another notch and it sucks. We were always a tag team, I’d work, earn, cook, and shop and mom would clean and do the washing. Now I have to do it all and it sucks – being a grown up sucks!
Yep, I need to parent myself now and say Bev, you don’t have to like doing it, you just gotta do it. The washing up, the laundry, the hovering, the walking of the dog, other grown-ups round the world have been doing it for a very long time and now it’s your turn! Suck it up buttercup…
Meh! Wateva! It still sucks!
I’m working a full time job, being a full time carer and keeping house. There are plenty people out there doing the same or similar, full time working moms, full time single working moms and dads, so many people out there working hard and being a grown up.
Over the last few days though, I’ve been reminded of how precious time is and how much I will miss my mom when she’s gone so I want to spend as much time with her and my friends as possible, and as much as I love my work - my award yesterday is testament to that but more so than the award were the members this week who actually came up to me at the end or messaged me to say how this week’s meeting had helped them – I need to get the balance between the two just right so that I can be the grown up that keeps on top of the household tasks that do have to be done (I’m not talking about being super clean, OCD household), enjoy my work and still have time for my friends, my family but also for me – I love to be alone and do things on my own.
I’ve had to make a tough decision, I’m working too many hours but I know it’s right for me and at the moment, I need to think about me first, too many spinning plates and one of them is going to break if I don’t. As long as I can pay my bills, survive and have a little left for niceness that’s all that’s important in my life right now, I can’t buy time and that’s what I need most of all.
So today, I will be completely work free, enjoy the company of two amazing ladies at lunchtime, enjoy a drink or two and come home and chill with mom.
BeYOUtiful, remember to take care of you because you’re important too and never be embarrassed to ask for help – no one has all the answers, no one is strong all the time, no one needs to do it all alone. We’re all a little broken but that’s what makes us so BeYOUtiful. xx