Wednesday 24th March 2021
Laughter and friendship willcure just about anything.
Well I've managed 6 hours sleep, it'll take time for my body clock to reset for sure, it's got used to not getting much sleep at all hasn't it. I've been awake since 2am, Alfie's snoring on the landing, I'm sitting up in bed cos it's warm in here and cold out there!
So how did day 2 go in a mom free world? It's bizarre, I've realised I've forgotten how to be a free spirited adult who can come and go as their please and do what the want (with Covid guidelines of course!) When people knock the door, I'm so used to going and standing on the door step and trying to be as quick as possible so as not to upset mom that I'm still doing it!
A few things that I realised I could do again yesterday whenever I wanted because mom wouldn't react included;
- being able to leave the back door open so Alfie could come and go if he fancied.
- Being able to hang the washing out and potter up the garden.
- Have Alexa play music in every room.
- Nip to the shop.
- Meet my bestie for a walk with the dogs.
- Not sit round all day watching tele.
I spent the day mostly in moms bedroom, I've bagged up all her clothes and put them in one of those clothes banks (I needed them gone). I've cleared the cupboard by the side of her bed (that filled a wheelie bin!), some of the little notes I found in her drawes made me cry, she'd written them since the dementia and they show how she was trapped in her thoughts and had forgotten that this was her house.
I had card and gifts delivered all day, it was so lovely to know people are thinking of me and how they can help at this time, I was truly moved and could feel all the love.
I had a call from moms dementia nurse sending her condolences which I thought was a lovely thing to do, then I had a call from the death certificate registering people. Well, listen to this! She called me when I knew Vicky was on her way to me for us to walk the dogs, but as she said it would only take ten minutes I was great, let's do this. Half way through as V rocks up, the lady on the phone states, "Oh it's the 2 minute silence starting, can we stop and do it!" Well, don't get me wrong I'm all for the silence but don't make a call if you know you're gonna have to make them stop for 2 minutes in what's one of the horriblest tasks a person has to do, register their moms death! Then she asks me how many copies of the death certificate would I like to purchase, erm I don't know, so I said what will I need them for, she reels off a list. I say mom hasn't got any money in her bank so that's not an issue, I guess I'll have 2, then she tries to upsell me and says, "most people have 3", well them I'll have 3 won't I, £33 and 12 minutes later, I finally ended that call!
I've also found a home for moms armchair, so that went yesterday too, just waiting for all the disabled stuff to be collected now and I'll have my living room back!
Last night once they'd fetched the chair and I'd finished doing stuff because my back was breaking and everything was aching, I made me some dinner, ate it in the kitchen up the table, then went and sat in front of the tv to watch Blue Bloods, I suddenly smiled to myself as I realised I'd put the heating on 18 degrees as opposed to 25+ and it was cosy not sweltering and the tele was on volume 38 not 75+ so my ears weren't bleeding for a change. It's these little things that have made life more difficult over the last few years, menpausal women do not need temperatures that high EVER! The living room door was also open, I don't like closed doors much and mom had become obsessed with shutting it.
I'm gonna get up and make a cuppa I think, put the heating on or maybe just a wooly, it's bloody cold lol. Today I'll carry on in moms room, I did so much yesterday because I wanted to fill the bins ready for collection today. I'll box those diaries today and continue sorting stuff.
I've not ventured into her handbag yet! That can wait a little longer. I feel like I'm handling this grief thing quite well, I cry when something triggers me, I'll get a really thoughtful message or I'll find something of moms that's upsetting and I cry, but then I stop and I'm back to relieved. I think it's helping that I've been grieving the loss of my mom for years now, watching the videos that pop up in my memories from 4 or more years ago is my mom, we laughed all the bloody time, we didn't do much of that this last year in this house.
Don't get me wrong though, I'm under no illussion that it'll take a long time before I don't think about her all the time, I'll deal with it all and take it one day at a time. Alfie wasn't impressed that I nipped out yesterday for half hour, he was barking like crazy when I got back and upstairs weirdly, when he'd usually be by the door. He'll take some adjusting himself, it's got to be strange for him too hasn't it, I'm still not free to just come and go because of him, but I'm okay with that, he's my boy and I'll take him with me whenever possible, he'll never be left all day that's for sure.
I love that people have been checking in on me and asking if I'm eating - seriously, don't ever worry about if I'm eating, I've never had a situation in my 51 years that's made me lose my appetite - I'll never starve.
On that note, here's to a good day, one day at a time, oh hold on, as we're not having a funeral and they'll be no need to buy something black to wear, or send flowers etc, I'm asking people to make a donation to AFOT, mom loved that I was raising money for this charity and that she was having a couple of kennels named after Lucy and Casey her dogs which I'd paid for and that she was getting a Lemon Grove for the rescued dogs to relax and recover named after her which people who liked her were contributing too. If you'd like to donate a quid or two in her memory, it will help to rescue even more than we already have, she always loved dogs more than humans lol!
Donate (paypal.com) or If you prefer you can also make payments directly into the Animal Friends of Turkey (AFOT) bank account, the details are Sort code: 30-90-89 Account number 37878068. https://rehome-a-rescue-dog.co.uk/
There's also a donate button on my Facebook page, it doesn't have to be a lot a quid or two, but if you can't afford it because of everything that Covid has caused this last year, that's okay too.
Mwah, luv ya
Love me xx
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