Take time to make your soul happy.
2am and no sleep is being had in this household, I'm so tired, I bloody love my sleep and it's being stolen from me, this situation is shite! I did manage to get her in the car for an hour yesterday though and she came for a drive with me to the shop, it was a right game getting her in the car, she can barely function now, getting to the point of not even knowing how to put one foot in from of the other, it's a dreadful shame. She spent some of the time telling me about her dad and what a wonderful man he was, before glazing over and disappearing into her own little word. Other 'highlights' of the day included her telling me how she wished she was dead and if someone would give her the drugs she'd take them because this is no life! I can't disagree with her, it really isn't, the only thing she can identify now and feel is pain and no one wants that do they.
I can't focus on anything else at the minute as much as I try, she's a full time job and it's draining, even the dogs knackered, poor thing. I'm just getting through the days, some are easier than others, if we manage to get some sleep then great, but days we don't I just don't do anything. Sitting next to someone who's dragging stuff round with her walking stick and slamming the door with it, whilst saying 'shit shit shit' ain't pleasant. Then there's the throwing her rubbish on the floor rather than putting it in the bin, that's special. Oh and that fkin metal biscuit tin, honestly arghhhhhh! She's just held a photo up and said, "Anybody we know?", it was a photo of Lucy, her little shih tzu, her most precious dog who she broke her heart over when we lost her and she doesn't even recognise her now.
On a positive, I did cook me a Sunday roast, I even did a decent job of the beef, Alfie was impressed anyways, you can't beat a bit of meat and two veg with your plate of gravy!
If I'd slept this would've been a whole lot more positive because after my walk with my brother, getting her in the car and actually being arsed to cook, I was feeling a positive but lack of sleep steals my mood, sleep deprivation is a dangerous thing!
I keep thinking to myself, it isn't forever. That's no way to think is it, to just keep waiting for her to die so I can finally have a decent nights sleep, but it is how I'm thinking because this can't go on forever or it'll kill both of us for sure.
Well this is a cheery blog isn't it, I've welcomed you into my middle of the night, sleep deprived brain where I sit for hour listening to her talk nonsense because she's hallucinating / dreaming without sleeping and basically I'm sitting next to a stranger wearing my moms clothes.
If I lie down on her hospital bed, she starts talking to me but if I sit in my chair she calms down a little, it's almost as if she's only content if I'm awake, if I didn't know better, I'd think she was doing it on purpose to tip me over the edge!
I'm going to shut up now because it's Monday morning and that's hard enough without you listening to me banging on. Oh kids are back at school this week aren't they, good luck with that.
Here's ironic for you, I've just found out it's National Bed Month, if only ay, I'd love to spend the month in bed, but here's some tips for anyone who isn't being kept awake by a crazy old lady Six Ways To Sleep Better For National Bed Month - The Sleep Council.
Hopefully you have slept and you won't be reading this in the middle of the night xx
Mwah, luv ya
Love me x
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