No Regrets - goodnight mom x

Monday 22nd March 2021 
All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my mom

Some of the best fun we had was at the seaside and this was the very last time we stood on the sand together, a much better memory that the one my sister and I experienced this morning. 

If you haven't already read, mom died at 4.30am from pneumonia, fuck dementia, we made sure she ate herself to death and that's really what took her in the end although the demon that is dementia made for a hell of a decade.

I knew Saturday afternoon she was on her way out, I just suddenly started crying for no real reason and it consumed me, I then watched her sleep in her chair whilst having difficulty with her breathing for the rest of the day and through the night. I sat in my chair from 1am watching her and then holding her hand and stroking her hair as she seemed to be in and out of sleep/consciousness.  Saturday night she'd struggled to take her medication and I knew she wasn't right but has she'd had the rapid response team out on the Friday, I wasn't overly concerned, I put it down to the dementia and the problems with her hernias and esophagus I already knew about.  Sunday morning though when she still hadn't roused all night, we hadn't had her one man band routine nor talking to people who weren't there, I knew this was almost the end.  Now as much as I wanted her to not have to go to hospital, I also didn't want her suffering; not gonna lie part of the reason I didn't want her to go to hospital was in case they prolonged her life any longer than necessary but also she doesn't like them.  She was out of it though and I asked Anne to come round because I couldn't get her up to use the toilet.  We both agreed to call 111 as her left arm was all floppy too so we did consider she may have had a stroke for a moment.  Anyway, they sent an ambulance and the two paramedics did their checks and agreed it was best to take her in.  The lady one asked me if mom had an 'end of life' care plan in place, I said nope but she is DNR and as they were going she did tell me that she thought that would be what they would possibly do, take her off all her meds and just make her comfortable.

Mom was incoherant now and I was trying to tell her it was okay for her to die by saying, 'mom why don't you go visit grandad', and she opened her eyes, completely lucid for that brief moment and said, 'because he's fucking dead!'.  Then she closed them again!

I was told to call the hospital in a couple of hours but someone called me before then to tell me that she had pnuemonia she wasn't responding to the oxygen or antibiotics and in a roundabout kind of way they were trying to prepare me, but I interrupted them and said will you just let her die please.  

They eventually got her onto a side ward on AMU and told me that if she deteriorated they would call me and we could go and see her before she passed away.  That call came last night at half ten, so Anne and I drove to sit with her.  5 long hours, you don't need to hear the next bit, I will tell you she did manage to reply 'luv u' to us when we said it to her, it wasn't easy for her to say but she managed it.  

I'd like to say they were the toughest 5 hours of my life but I'd be lying, there have been some really, really tough hours over the last decade thanks to dementia, especially the last year or so oh and the last month, well it's been hell.  

As we left the hospital I heaved and heaved but wasn't sick, we have a lot of crying still to do, I've already done plenty, but I'm positive, both mom and I are dementia free now and the next chapter of my life can start.   Anne and I have laughed the last 24 hours too, it's not been all tears, we made memories together right until she took her last but one breathe.

I can honestly say, we kept our promise to her, Anne and I were the only ones who wiped her ass, erm I win though as I put my finger up it, Anne didn't lol.  We vowed she wouldn't go into a care home and we were able to keep that promise.  I don't judge anyone who chooses a different path, we had our reasons and it wasn't bloody easy, I've put my life on hold. 

So, what next?  Well this morning I've had a bath and a long walk with Alfie, without having to worry about getting back to mom, I'm going to make calls to get all this disabled crap out of my house, I have a very expensive recliner chair if anyone can make use of it for someone in a similar situation as mom.

We're not religious so are considering a direct to crem funeral especially with all the covid crap at the moment, plus my one brother is in another country and the other one has cancer.  

Can I just say, don't be sad, be relieved for both of us, be positive for my future and happy in the knowledge she had a brilliant time from the day dad died till the day dementia took over, we travelled the world together, spent every Christmas in wales or somewhere, yeah we had a ball, so many memories.  

Make the most of every moment, I plan too.  I loved her and I'll miss her but I'm going to make up for lost time and have a bloody ball, but first I'll sleep!

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx