3:33am, I'm going back upstairs for the umpteenth time and mom asks, 'why are you tired?' I'd laugh if I weren't exhausted, but I reply, 'because I'm not a bloody Owl!', I'm not nocturnal but apparently these days mom is! She just doesn't like to be left alone is the truth, night time scares her and she can't help her behaviour. As she isn't sleeping on her hospital bed, I thought I'd try, it's the most uncomfortable thing for me anyway because I have a bad back and my mattress is a tempur one that cost a bomb. I managed to lie there for couple of hours, but she still kept talking to me, she nodded off so I sneaked upstairs but she woke up soon enough. The night then proceeds like this;
"Bev, can you take me home?"
"Bev, I need to toilet"
or similar sentences, so I come down and help her to the toilet where she doesn't do anything most of the time because she didn't need the toilet but her brain's broken and it's one of the only sentences she knows to say that will get her the attention she's craving.
Then she looks at me and says, 'you look dreadful', 'I know mom, I'm exhausted!' I reply.
'Have you always struggled to sleep?'
'No mom, it's not that I can't sleep, it's that you're not letting me'.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be quiet now, you need your sleep, I won't disturb you again'.
'thank you mom, can I go back to bed now then?'
'Yes, of course you can'.
'Night mom, I love you'.
'Night Bev.'
I'm half way up the stairs when she shouts, 'Bev, can I have a cup of tea?'
I come back down and make her a drink, then we go through the same routine as above, but this time we only get to the bit where she says, 'you need your sleep' and follows it with, 'can I have some toast' This is 2am!
This happens every 20, 30 or 40 minutes, but even when she's not calling me, there will be something else. She might start signing some random nursery rhyme or shouting/singing 'Alfie, Alfie, where are you Alfie, come here Alfie', I think that was half one. I look at the time every time she wakes me in the hope that I've managed some sleep. The fkers snoozing now, after an hour of telling me she needs to go home, nope she's woke up again, 'what time is it?'
At one point during the night she was trying to get out the front door, thankfully I'd locked it and put the key where she won't find it before I get downstairs, she was going home apparently.
I officially hate the Grand Old Duke of York, and Nelly the Elephant better never darken my doorstep, good job I haven't got kids who'll be having grandkids for me cos I'd be emotionally traumatised every time they sung these tunes!
That's the night, the day time is equally entertaining!
Mom, 'my back hurts, I'm in so much pain'.
Me, 'do you want some painkillers'
I attempt to suggest she changes how she's sitting in her chair to adjust her posture, to which her response is, "Why would I want to do that?". Me, 'because your backs hurting and how you are sitting isn't helping'. Mom, "My backs not hurting, if it was you'd know about it you silly cow, everybody would know about it". That's all in the space of 2 minutes!
Much more is said and happens throughout the day but I forget it as soon as it happens because it would blow my mind to store it, although if you look at it through comical eyes, it's actually quite funny.
My sister and I have even taken to ignoring the fact she hates us at times and slags us off to each other and trying to see the humour in that too.
She won't leave the room without her handbag because she's worried someone with steal it, I mean who wouldn't want a bag with loose pink wafers and half empty pom bear packets in it! Oh and don't get me started on the walking frame, this morning I found her attempting to get to the toilet with her walking frame in one hand and her handbag and walking stick in the other! Then when she gets there she doesn't know how to use the toilet or what to do on it.
Well that's enough of that for today, I don't write it to make you sad, I write it to make myself see the humour in it other than just the sadness. There is far too much sadness, I left her snoozing as I walked the dog early yesterday morning and I cried as I walked, partly from tiredness but mostly from that realisation that I've lost my mom completely now, she's in pain, she's miserable, she's confused, she'd be shot if she were a horse!
Luckily I have the most amazing friends who are keeping me going, making me laugh or offering to help me out in any way they can, I have friends that have been around for years and new friends that hve been around for months but it feels like I've known them years (in a good way), there's also those I've known for years but have gotten closer too over the last few months. I can't wait to be able to meet up. I know it sounds like I'm wishing her dead because of some of the plans I'm making but it's not quite that bad, I just need something to keep me going and when mom does pass, I have a 3 bedroom house, I plan to have guest beds so that I can have mates round for cracking good nights and they don't have to worry about driving home. I plan to spend my grieving time decorating it, which will give me something to focus on rather than sitting and crying more than I already have.
I'd planned to cook yesterday but it never happened, so I will try again today, I did manage to do one appointment suppporting a partner, my sister came and sat with mom, so if anyone does want an appointment give me a shout, just let me tell you what we're about, I was on a zoom call last night and the average industry prices are going up by £96 by April 1st! Talk to me, we're so much more than cheap energy!
Right I need to get my ass into gear (actually I don't as my diary is completely empty) but we have the district nurse coming today, I've got to sort moms drugs - all 17 of them and I'm going to get the food ready for cooking now so I don't think sod it again. I need the loo badly too lol (tmi).
Mwah, Luv ya
Love me xx
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