Officinaphobia!

Tuesday 23rd February2021

Worrying is like praying for what you don't want. 

Yesterday I finally went to the supermarket, it's been over a year since I last did and I needed something Sunday to help mom go to the toilet and my sister suggested I go to Aldi, instantly I said no, I'm okay thanks.  I realised later that there was a bit of fear around returning to 'normal' life of going to the shops after almost a year of not doing.  Officinaphobia is what it's called apparently, a fear of going to the shops, it's a branch of agoraphobia and I was in danger of developing the condition.  When Anne popped round yesterday with my portion of the best damn lasagne in the world, I asked her if she'd sit with mom whilst I went to Aldi, that fear needing nipping in the back and it was quite surreal.  It felt a bit like when you go abroad and have to drive on the opposite side of the road, new and different and weird.  It was safe and painless and cheaper compared to online shopping.  

Mom's had her first covid jab a few weeks ago and I've got mine tomorrow, finally seeing light at the end of this nightmare.  I haven't watched the news really regarding the changes but seen a couple of things on facebook, I want to have a couple of mates in my back garden for a drink, I think I can do that by the end of March!  

Just looking so yeah, these are dates that are relevant for me; 

29 March - People will be allowed to meet outside, either with one other household or within the "rule of six", including in private gardens.

No earlier than 17 May: People can meet in groups of up to 30 outdoors  (I'm thinking a walk with a few people would be amazing here!)

What's interesting here is I and others was obviously made redundant in December from WW and we had contractual restrictions to stop us working in the same field, I will be free of those ties on May 21st 2021, which is perfect when you look at the roadmap out of lockdown if we were going to do something ourselves!

Back to the now though, we had another unsettled night, I'm going to start staying up later I think because she's has me up and down every 15 minutes and gets very anxious, so I'll stay downstairs until I feel she's settled.  I've got used to being awake around 2 or 3am, but today we've got to sleep till almost 7am so I've managed 7 hours so it's all good in the end. 

I spent some time on the phone to the hospital and doctor yesterday trying to sort moms meds as they'd been adjusted in hospital and I didn't agree with all the changes, they were great, accidents do happen and it's now resolved.  I rang our surgery because of moms toilet problems and she was amazing the doctor, she called me back within 5 minutes gave me a few ideas, said what I was doing would help and also prescribed a mini enema which I'm going to see how she is today, she did manage to go yesterday, not loads (sorry for the theme of this conversation but it is my life at the moment), I don't want her to have to endure any more than she already has.  She's weak and she feels really scared, she's told me this morning she's scared of dying and doesn't like being left alone.  I've found a note she's written in the night;

Bloody heartbreaking!  

 

Therefore today, I'm going to do everything in my power to lift her spirits, she's happily sat eating fruit toast with butter and chai seeds on at the minutes with a mug of tea, the conversations a bit morbid but we can work on talking her out of that.  

My days are all a blur, highlights of yesterday was a socially distanced 20 minute walk with V, realising the temperature has warmed up a little and spring is on the horizon, my favourite time of year, hearing mom chuckle and seeing her snoozing calmly, however glimpsing.  Oh and my sisters lasagne, I'm sat eating the other bit now for my breakfast ;) I'm having a fk it February food wise I'm not gonna lie, if I fancy it, I'm having it. I'm not eating just crap, it's good food mostly, I'll have a mindful March, get back to planning my meals and eating healthy portions especailly as if we're being let out of lockdown, I need to get back in my clothes!

Here's to getting through the day at the moment and taking those smile moments when they appear.

Mwah, luv ya

Love me xx

Here's to looking for