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Tuesday, 3 December 2019

And there she was gone (Oops, sorry!)

Tuesday 3rd December 2019
If tomorrow you were to lose all but one memory, what one would you hold onto.

I woke up to a crazy amount of comments on a Facebook post I'd wrote before going to sleep last night, didn't even think about it as I was writing it, 'And there she was gone", we'd had such a wonderful day, she'd been my mom again, we'd chuckled at silly things like the good old days, it was as if Alzheimers had left the room for most of the day and it was lovely, then as we were going to bed, exceptionally early these days, she changed, started to get really confused, asked me who I was, thought I was Anne, then thought I'd been away and had come back, then didn't know who I was at all and started crying, scared and confused hence the post.  Writing things down gets it out of my head, I don't have someone else in the house to 'chat to',

Now if you want spooky, mom's just this second got up, come walking out of her room and said, "Who's gone?", she's apparently had a dream and I'd said something had gone.  Now that's a bit freaky ain't it. 

I'll be back in a minute, I've got to go and sort her out xx

She's just recoiled her dreams to me, someone tall had her in a grip saying, 'who am I!' and she didn't know so she replied Bev and the woman laughed and walked away'.  See even her dreams are adding to her confusion because she asked me if I remembered what happened last night, she doesn't realise it's a dream.  I can't even begin to imagine how all those confusing, conflicting thoughts are making her feel.     

It's not all bad though, when she's good, she's good, earlier in the day is usually her best, she had a couple of lovely hours with my brother Friday morning, she enjoyed her visit from Maxine her hairdresser, we'd enjoyed the day together watching rubbish on the tele, I'd watched her trying to put chocolate biscuits in a tube rather than a tin and said, why don't you put them in a tin and she argued, 'this is a tin', the she said, Mom “it’s the tin” and I knew where that was going so I replied, “that rin tin tin” but instead of the line that usually follows she quipped “put his biscuits in” and we both fell about like a couple of silly school kids who'd said a rude word at the back of the class and I wanted to bottle that moment and stay in that space for a long time because I miss my mom so much, I'm crying typing this now as I remember some of the good times we've had, I'm looking at the photo on my office wall of mom and I sitting outside our apartment in Lanzarote, there's 4 glasses on the table in front of us (which speaks volumes) and we're laughing as we used to do all the time, we're laughing in this photo because we're trying to get the camera to take an automatic photo and we can't find a ledge high enough so we're having to scoot down and that, like most things back then was making us giggle because that's what we did.

Facebook is like my diary, it's my way of recording things, expressing my thoughts, processing crap and guaranteeing in future years those moments will pop up in my timeline and I'll be transported back to that time and I want to remember these tough times as well as the good times because I know when she does go, I will be heartbroken but it will help to be reminded towards the end, my mom had left the building a long time before. 

So in today's memories on Facebook, there's this from 2015; 

Now that's my mom, I must try to remember to tag her in posts because then I can go to the Facebook page I set up for her and see them all together. 

There is one thing Alzheimers cannot take away, and that is love.  Love is not a memory, it's a feeling that resides in your heart and soul, however the hardest thing is watching somebody you love forget who you are and that they love you.   

All I can do is tell her she's safe with me and I'm not going anywhere.  Today show those you love, how much you love them, hug, kiss, be nice and smile because one day we all will be 'and there she(he) was gone!' and it will be forever. 

mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

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