The good news is the 100% honest tracking worked a treat, I lost two pounds! Now to stay focused and in control, yesterday I could've very easily over eaten the wrong foods but I didn't, somehow I resisted, I think it was knowing I want a pizza this weekend, I did eat more though last Thursday I ended on 35 - this Thursday 50! Those weeklies are disappearing fast, I'm down to 28 ;( so I need to get a grip today or consider a filling & healthy day.
I'm struggling this morning to think, I reckon I've gone into shutdown early - it's not easy typing from an iPad so instead I'm going to share another guest blogger with you a day early, a look inside someone else's mind, showing another persons relationship with food and their body - here goes ;
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I have a love hate relationship with skinny.
My relationship with skinny started when I was in my late teens. I’d never been a big child – infact looking back at photos I was just a normal average sized kind of kid. I watched my mom smoke to stop herself eating for a good 18 years. She was 5’6” and a tiny size 10, but always wanting to lose weight.
We never kept “treats” in the house, cakes, chocolate and crisps were banned food items. Except on certain days – when she must have had what we call “sod it” days and I would be sent down the shop to buy all the above for us both!
I’d always had a massive obsession with food – finding it really difficult to stop eating sometimes, and always with the “banned” foods. Relatives were always telling me I was “just like my mom” that I had “lovely slim figure just like her” with this food obsession I worried that it would get out of control and I wouldn’t be “just like her”....and every little girl wants to be like their mom.
My first experience of feeling slim was when I was 18. My mom passed away, food was just not on my mind – I never consciously tried to lose weight but ended up the lightest I’d ever been...and it was nice. People were saying nice things to me, I was getting compliments, as a shy awkward teenager it was quite nice to be noticed, so I associated being thin with being noticed, and I liked it.
The weight I’d reached at that time was an unrealistic weight for me I, but it didn’t stop me trying to achieve it again and again over the next 20 years. The struggle to stay at that weight dominated my life for the next few years so much. I watched every calorie I ate, exercised to the point of exhaustion, trying numerous times without success to make myself sick after eating, my life was so out of control I figured that if I could control every morsel that I ate then everything else would be secure.
Looking back now I can see that this obsession was not about weight or food as such – but a way of distracting myself from what was really bothering me. If I was worrying about weight, then I wasn’t worrying about being an 18 year old without a mom.
What I’m glad to say is that with every passing year – my desire to be at that unrealistic skinny weight again has eased a little – until it is absolutely none existent today. Why is that? The desire to be skinny came from a place of hating me, and trying to control an unpredictable world, striving to be a “perfect” person in order to be loveable. 20 years on, 1 very solid husband, 2 beautiful children and the best friend a girl could ask for later and I feel I’m all fixed.
Realising that feeling good doesn’t come from self starvation – or self imposed rules and regulations around food. Feeling good doesn’t come from a certain number on the scales. Feeling good comes from loving yourself and realising that regardless of what has happened in the past – the people that are in your life right now, choose to be there because they love you.
This is not to say I don’t care about what I weigh or worry about what I eat. I still have the occasional problem with chocolate, cake and crisps, and in times of stress want to just go an buy load and scoff the lot to make me feel better. But I’m now able to realise that although initially it might make me feel better – in the long run it makes me feel worse to overindulge.
I’ve realised that healthy feels better than any number on the scales. And my “control” is now about being healthy rather than calories in/out. A desire to look after and nourish myself is stronger than that desire to be skinny. And I finally feel like I’ve got it sussed....or thereabouts.
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Do you relate to any of that ladies story? Everyone has a story don't they, we are all such interesting and special human beings. Go look at yourself in a mirror right now and realise and appreciate how truly gorgeous and amazing you really are. A miracle is what you is xxxx
Have a great day x
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