Ramblings of a middle aged women (is 55 still middle-aged?)

 Tuesday 14th January 2025

I don't really remember what I wrote in yesterdays blog, I never do to be honest, I just sit - type - post without much thought, I always have, it's my way of processing stuff, it always helped when I was caring for mom through her dementia journey.

I had so many wonderful comments on my blog, a heartfelt thank you to everyone who took the time to do that, it was very much appreciated. 

"What a shit start to the year for you"

"Life is a bastard"

and other such messages were sent to me yesterday but let's not think that way, it wasn't the start of the year, my year started happily in Ireland with the man I love, in bed cos we'd been there since about half nine because we're rock and roll and we were sleeping not doing that sheet dancing stuff.  

Elle's diagnosis wasn't the start of the year either, it was early December.  

The dates things happen are irrelevant and they don't dictate how the rest of the year will turn out.  Life can be unfair sometimes but it can be unfair for everyone which actually makes it fair doesn't it!

IT IS WHAT IT IS!  That's Elle's go to saying since her diagnosis and she's spot on and the sooner we all accept that, the easier life is.  You can't fight what you have no control of, so stop trying.

My brothers last day was spent laughing, smiling and being a devil, he rocked up at my house about half 11 in the morning with a mission to go on the piss!  That man shouldn't have lasted the first year after his diagnosis, the doctor who told him he had it said 'you're riddled with cancer mate' he had an excellent bedside manner obviously, hell Mark had only gone to the hospital with a bad shoulder and he came out with Prostate Cancer and crazy PSA levels they'd rarely if ever seen!  We Longsden's don't do things by halves do we!  

However today would've been the 6th year anniversary - that's saying FUCK YOU to cancer if ever anyone did, but back to Saturday, I believe he knew, maybe not consciously but something in his head told him to come to mine.  He nipped to his other sisters first, took the piss out of her and her husband for two hours, nicked her jammie dodgers then gave her a hug and told her he loved her before rocking up at mine.

He called me to ask if I was in and asked if he could come round, when I hung up the phone himself said, good job you said yes because he's already outside :) From the minute he came through the door he wanted us to go to the pub but we slowed him down by taking him with us to do some Clay Pigeon shooting, then we had to pick up the motorhome from being cleaned so we kept him away from the bar for an extra 4 hours.

We did have a good chat in the pub talking about our childhood, he shot a hole in my Christmas teddy bear with his pellet gun on Christmas day when I was a kid, he tried to blame our Terry but there aren't many things I remember in life but that incident was one of them, he apologised and said he'd buy me a new one lol.  Even when I left he continued to tell himself about my dad and our lives as kids - some would say we had a really hard time but all I remember is my mothers love and that was all we needed.  We never starved, we might have lived on the choice of two meals - egg and chips or chips and egg but we never went hungry.  We looked like knobs in second hand clothes that didn't fit us and free school uniform but hey, that was all character building!

I have 3 brothers, sorry had and what always made me smile is how much they loved each other but when they were with me individually they'd slag each other off, Mark would tell me what a knob our Terry and Ian were, Terry and Ian would slag Mark and as Terry and Ian are still alive what they say about each other to me will remain with me :) 

Oh and just for the record, I also slag all my siblings off, Saturday when we got back to the car at Millride whilst Mark was still chatting with an old friend he'd bumped into, I said to himself "Will you stop being nice to my family and inviting them out with us" I'm proper laughing at that now because he looked at me with disgust and said that's just being polite Bev to which my response was 'STOP BEING POLITE THEN!"  It was only because I don't like an audience when I shoot nor an expert NOT telling me how to do it.  

He's said no relative is allowed to stay at our house ever again because he can't go through another dying on  us again!

What's made us all smile was that wetroom was fitted for mom when she was ill and we all put towards it but he loved to say he paid for it, we he obviously thought 'I paid for it, I'll die in it - that'll show em!'  Got his money's worth there didn't he.

He was so bloody happy sitting in my living room having the crack when I came down to tell em to be quiet, he looked like a naughty kid being told off.  In the pub earlier he'd told me how much he loved the relationship I had now, how we were with each other.  He thanked me again for taking care of his mom, said he'd never be able to thank me enough for that and he hugged me and told me he loved me before I left the pub too.

We won't know for a few days if they'll want to do a post mortem but it's likely because of the drug trials he was part of, he was all for letting them try everything and anything on him to keep his cancer at bay and help them learn more.  He was a very, clever man our Mark, an annoying man, but a loving man who realised (maybe too late) that money and success wasn't as important as people and love but as soon as he was diagnosed he loved harder than he ever had, he embraced life and did as much as he could, having as many experiences as possible.

Am I okay?  No of course not - will I be - absolutely because that's the way I'm made.  Every time I open my eyes in the night, I see his face, I can't sit on the loo without seeing him there - that doesn't make for a comfortable bathroom experience!  The towel rail is bent where he must have tried to catch himself, I made the mistake of trying to work out what happened, putting myself where he would've been - that's just a silly thing to do and will only mess with my head so I won't be doing that again.  These thoughts and feelings will fade, I don't need to stop using that bathroom, life goes on and we have to too.

He had told me that I needed to go swimming and get back to the gym again, gave me advice on my pain so I'm gonna do that because my big brother told me too.

It's so easy to say 'fk it, life's too short, you might as well eat and drink what you want because you're gonna die anyway', but that's bullshit and just a cop out, life will be even shorter if you have that mentality.  Instead let's do our best to make life healthier and longer by taking care of ourselves as best as we can.  Eat healthy, drink sensibly (if you want to stop altogether crack on, I won't be doing that), do some exercise or activity of some kind - take care of your body, it's the only place you have to live.

xx

We only die once - We live every day!

 Monday 13th January 2025

I knew this weekend was going to be difficult but little did I know how difficult!  I struggled through our chat at the huddle Saturday morning knowing it would be the last on for a while that Elle and I would do together as she is going to be starting Chemo this week and was going to tell our members after we'd finished via a video.  It suddenly hit me as we were talking and I was trying (and failing) to hold back tears, thankfully I'd lost my ring that morning so those members who noticed my behaviour thought it was because of that.

When I got home my brother Mark called to ask if I was in and if he could come round, I said yes which as a good job as he was already outside!  Imagine if I'd said I was out :) 

We had a lovely day even though my heart and head was elsewhere a lot of the time, thinking about Elle having to tell her young daughter such difficult news.  We took him with us to Millride shooting, where he loved it, he had a go and also bumped into an old pal who he chatted to for ages.  

When we got back he suggested we went out for a few drinks and some food, said it could be my birthday treat a week early.  It was so cold wasn't it Saturday so I didn't even get changed, just wasn't up for it but I did go down and we enjoyed a huge mixed grill which we all shared.  Mark and Aryn chatted gaming stuff and he asked Aryn about his exams, told him if he passed them all he'd buy him a PS5 pro or the latest iPhone :)  Aryn left us once he'd eaten, then I left about half eight, my head wasn't up for an all nighter and I was tired, I told them both to enjoy the rest of the night as I could tell he wanted a good night.

Well they came back at closing time and woke me up with the telly playing music and them talking above it, so I went down and said 'can we turn the disco down lads', 'why is it loud' was their reply, erm a little yea, and you're having to talk louder to hear each other.  I walked away smiling, happy to see them enjoying each others company.

I woke about 3 ish with himself next to me and I could hear Mark snoring downstairs which again made me smile because he'd said earlier that he love to just get 6 hours sleep!

I woke at 7, my phone makes a noise to tell me to take my tablets, I did consider ignoring it but instead got up.  As I walked down the stairs I could hear the extractor fan in the bathroom so I knew they'd left the light on - drunken dickheads I thought.  

I went to turn it off, opened the door and Mark's lying on the bathroom floor - stupidly the first thought that went through my head was 'why are you sleeping on the floor in here Mark, you could've slept on the sofa!'  Then I realised that wasn't the case, I tried to wake him, couldn't, I couldn't work out if he was asleep, unconscious or dead.  I woke himself and called 999.  They talked me through CPR whilst he went to get the defibrillator from the Ashmore pub but the ambulance arrived before he got back. 

It was pointless anyway, he'd been dead since about half five.

The next few hours are a bit of a blur, contacting family members, talking to the ambulance people and police, dealing with the undertakers.  His daughters and their mom arriving and his partner and her son.  A hell of a day.

I don't really remember much of the rest of the day we just got through it, I ate a cold McDonalds that was fetched for me and a bit of some Chinese later before going to bed at half seven exhausted.

The practicalities begin now don't they, taking the piece of paper they gave us to his GP and he'll decide whether to do an autopsy or not, then registering the death etc.

At least I know he had a fab last day, he wasn't alone and his daughters didn't have to find him, I'm taking comfort in that.  Almost 6 years to the day since he was diagnosed with cancer and told he'd probably not last the year - but he did because he's a stubborn bastard - YEP HE'S A LONGSDEN!

 

Every day doesn't have to be perfect!

Saturday 11th January 2025

It was a busy day yesterday so I didn't blog, we left early to fetch his car so spend almost 6 hours on the road, but the drive back meant I got to listen to a few hours of my audiobook, so I enjoyed that, traffic wasn't too bad either thankfully.

Food wise, I had a BLT sandwich at services which wasn't all that and a costa cappuccino, which I enjoyed, although all the caffeine I had yesterday meant I haven't had a great nights sleep!  We also stopped at a cafe for the loo on way back and had bacon, brie and cranberry baguette which was all that but I was very good and only ate half, gave him my other half, they weren't huge baguettes either so it could've been worse. 

I did indulge in some wine but I also made an effort to make a healthy dinner of pork medallions and couscous which was tasty.

It's not about being perfect, life happens, things get in the way, sometimes you just have to do the best you can.  I did go over yesterday, I enjoyed a Thorntons too, plus a cracker with a bit of cheese but it wasn't a plate full so that's progress.  It's not what you do on one day, it's what happens over the week.  As you can see I've had more days on track than off and looking at my Fitbit I've burned more calories over the week, maybe not yesterday but I was sat down the majority of the day.

    

It's been a hell of a time since December, lots going on, illness in the family so if the worst thing I am and my biggest personal problem is that I'm overweight - aren't I blessed!  Yes I'm in pain but it's not life threatening and I can work at losing some weight to help me try and ease some of this pain.  

Have no idea of food today, I think I'll take beef out the freezer for Sunday, have a nice roast dinner, will see what we have in there to tempt us today.

Looking forward to the huddle this morning, then we'll see what the day brings.

Have a great weekend. 

Mwah, luv ya

Love me cc

Another day tracked

Thursday 9th January 2025

Short blog this morning as I posted some of this yesterday I think, breakfast was mushrooms on toast, I added a little milk to the pan to stop the mushrooms from sticking and to help them cook without oil whilst the soft cheese melted, really enjoyed this meal for under 200 calories (without the mugs of tea/coffee), quick to cook too.

  

I went to the gym straight from huddle for the first time this and walked a mile on the treadmill, it almost made me cry with pain but hopefully as I lose weight it'll get easier, my knees not as painful as it has been so maybe it's helped.  I still wouldn't want to walk round and stand on it for hours but I didn't wince as much as I usually do coming down the stairs this morning.

Lunch was leftover hotpot with veggies, those sprouts were so good but I left some of the carrot I was full and hadn't thought there was already carrots in the hotpot. 

    

I was surprised to find myself hungry again at tea time so I cooked the leftover chicken thighs from the pack I'd bought for the hotpot, I removed all the skin and bones and weighed my 2 pieces and served it with this microwave Dal Tarka that I'd bought to try before Christmas, the whole packet was 258 calories, it cost £1.85 and tasted okay, not sure I'd eat it again as a main but as a side if we were having fakeaway Indian, it'd be great. 

  

It tasted better than it looks. 

I ended my day on 1587 calories, I did enjoy some wine and eat a banana, the app says I had 9.2 of my f-a-day but they do count 2 portions of mushrooms as 2 of your 5 but that should only be 1 as the 5 should be different things.  I still hit the five easy, mushrooms, sprouts, carrots, onions, cabbage, banana, lentils (yes lentils count).

Fitbit says I did 9,924 steps and burned 2,080 calories, even managed 10 minutes in the active zone, it doesn't show the 25 minutes in the pain zone ;) 

I've ha a good nights sleep 8h 38m apparently, sleep score 86, I left the heating on when I went to bed because I was cold all night but woke up at 1am warm, thirsty and needing the loo - so came down and turned the heating off and had a glass of water, need to remember to take a glass/bottle with me to bed as it does help me drink that extra 500ml a day when I do that.  I'm drinking about a litre of water a day, so I could work on increasing that, see if that helps my joint pain.

Anyway I need to get ready for work, I'm sat here in my dressing gown and haven't thought about breakfast.  I've got a really busy day, 3 huddles and parents evening after work tonight which makes me laugh 5 minutes per teacher - that's crazy, what are you supposed to be able to cover in 5 minutes.

Here's to a great day, I've bought a ready made lasagne for tea so I don't have to cook, that'll sort the boys easily and I can just have a portion with some salad I think.

Catch ya tomo,

Luv u

Love me xx

  

Great start to the year...

Wednesday 8th January 2025

Well it's been over a month since I blogged and I've had a wonderful Christmas, a lovely rest and time with the family.  Bonus I maintained my weight which you can imagine pleased me enormously but now it's time to lose some weight.  

I indulged but didn't go crazy, I had my usual Christmas breakfast of a bottle of prosecco with orange juice :) I enjoyed some Bailey's, Whiskey, Port - all the important stuff - not all in one day of course and yes I did eat food too!

I opened my Nutracheck app on January 1st and I've 100% honestly tracked since, that probably helped me with the maintain when I weighed on Tuesday.  

I'm eating some delicious food, trying to think a bit more about what I eat and realising once again how much I really enjoy healthy food.   Here's some of the meals I've eaten this year proving you can eat great food and it's why I love calories because you can have anything as long as you count it, don't have to miss out on a glass of red. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is everything tracked so far this year,

  

This is how many calories my Fitbit says I've burned so hopefully next week I'll get a weight loss. 

 

I'm going to start blogging again to help keep me on track, I need to lose weight to help my pain, my knee is in bits and weight loss will help ease the pain.  I've got a telephone appointment to discuss the xray on Monday but I've already seen the comments from the Consultant Radiologist, it's not pretty tri-compartmental moderate change most marked in the medial compartment which from googling is tri-compartmental osteoarthritis which affects the whole knee and there's no cure, just painkillers, steroids and ultimately a knee replacement, so let's lose some weight to hopefully give me some relief.

On a positive, I went back to the gym today and managed to walk a mile on the treadmill slowly, it took me 25 minutes and I could've cried at the end it as so painful but I did it, this time last year I couldn't walk for 5 minutes because of my back, yeah I've got spondylolisthesis too, how lucky am I to have all these long worded conditions!

slow and steady, if I could lose 1/2lb a week, that's almost 2 stone by Christmas, 1lb a week would be 52lb which is almost the weight of a sack of spuds! 

Every pound lost is the equivalent of 4lb of pressure off my knee, that's my motivation and I need to not forget it!

What's your motivation?  Let's do this together - make 2025 our year!  You in?  

Enjoying life.

 Monday 2nd December 2024

Well I survived the week and thoroughly enjoyed the weekend, I tracked 5 out of the 7 days, but the two days I didn't I wasn't overeating and going mad, I still ate sensibly.  We ate out Friday night, had curry, I tracked that and was sensible. Saturday was Aryn's birthday and we went to Miller & Carter where again I enjoyed a starter and main but didn't eat all my main as I was full.  I have to say the starter was divine, Burrata - velvety burrata cheese, balsamic roasted beetroot, lovage pesto (523cals) it really was so good, I'd eat that regularly as a meal if it was a little lower in calories!

I'm now craving 'proper' chicken tikka masala as the one I ordered on Friday wasn't like the ones we used to get when we went for an Indian on a Friday night, I'll have to treat myself from Masala Lounge at some point because the Lancaster's just isn't the same!

Yesterday I made slow cooker beef chilli con carne, the lads loved it but it's not a meal I enjoy so I didn't have a very big portion.

It was Aryn's birthday Saturday we were supposed to go Karting but they cancelled it once we'd got there because of condensation, so he missed out there, although he didn't seem to mind too much at least we had a lovely meal.  

I've been up since 2am to drive him part way to work, he was meeting someone to take him the rest of the way as he's picking his car up Friday to come home, at least the motorway was very quiet.

I'm going to do the domestic goddess routine today, there's piles of washing to be ironed and/or folded, everywhere needs cleaning and tidying and I have some errands to run too, so a busy day before my work week starts tomorrow!   I will be cooking a roast pork dinner though as I missed a Sunday roast yesterday and Aryn can have pork sandwiches for school too tomorrow then. 

I need lots of veggies as I've been taking painkillers and without too much detail, they bung you up and that's not my norm so I need to counteract that issue!

I was going to go swimming today but it's forecast dry so I'd rather do something outdoors and go swimming Wednesday when it's going to rain.  

But before any of that, I'm catching up on I'm a celeb as it's only 6am!

Here's to surviving another week, 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me x

Love an easy pasta bake

Friday 29th November 2024

Another day in the bag and I even had a chocolate chip cookie!  Breakfast was a couple of eggs scrambled just to say I'd had something, I really could've had a breakfast baguette from Greggs but it's not a habit I want to get into every week!  They kept me physically satisfied until lunch time when I had a can of soup, it was edible, I wouldn't buy it again, Baxters super good pea, broccoli and basil pesto, nah I preferred the asparagus one.

I made a pasta bake before going back to work and I really didn't fancy it, I'd only made so lads could microwave some.  Having said that, when I got back and had a bowl, I really enjoyed it and would eat again.  Maybe next time I won't put the cheese on beforehand, I'll let everyone put how much they want on their portion because instead of the 30g on mine which cost 125 calories, I'd have a tablespoon of grated parmesan which is 5g for 21 calories - not a bad difference!  

   

I added 4 oxo cubes to calm the tomato flavour down and it works, diced the onion and fried with the mince, I could've used 5% to save more calories but it was on a whoopsie would've took 420 calories off the total recipe though.  I used rigatoni for the first as Elle said it made a difference and it did, I'm thinking I might do a cannelloni recipe soon, that would be nice.  I like that sauce as it has hidden veg and counts as 1 of your 5 a day, I also grated a carrot into the meal.  Yeah I'd do that again.

I've managed 8hrs 17m sleep, I'll take that, got Aryn's birthday tomorrow, so need to wrap a couple of things and fetch his birthday cookie, that's the only must do thing on my list.  

I do have a poorly man on my hands though, oh the drama of a male having a cough!  Joking aside I really hope it doesn't turn into a chest infection, I do not want him ill over Christmas again! 

Oh I've just realised I haven't thought about food for today yet, I'll have eggs for breakfast, I've not defrosted anything, can't have fish as we've all had that this week, he had fish and chips yesterday for lunch.  I need to get my thinking cap on, maybe a curry to clear his head, mmm yeah, just not sure which meat, ooo beef curry I have some nice pieces that have been there a while yeah I'll go get it out of freezer now, it should be okay.

Right here's to surviving Friday, I can do it = positive thoughts.

Mwah, luv ya

Love me