Tears are cleansing x

Friday 26th November 2021

Good friends are like stars, you don't always see them but you know they're there.

Comfort Eating!  Enough Said! 

Actually it's not enough said is it, we all do it to some degree but what we tend to overlook is that comfort eating is not just eating in response to negative situations but positive ones too.  We all need to be cautious of that over Christmas, the positive, but then again, it's not what you do between Christmas Eve and New Years day that matters, it's what you do from New Years day to Christmas Eve, so let's enjoy this Christmas shall we?  

I definitely didn't think about my eating yesterday and my choices weren't great, I did manage scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast but then it was picky crap at tea time, I just felt blah when I got home last night, the house was empty, I opened the fridge door and looked towards the kitchen door and he wasn't standing there staring at me like he always has been for the last 12 years.  It'd been a hell of a day, Carol couldn't bring herself to sit in the front of the car with me because that was Alfie's seat.  Then Elle, Carol and I all had a cry together whilst setting up the room ready for the day ahead.  

I was very grateful that no one asked me about it, thanks for that, I hope that, they'll continue not to ask because I really can't talk about it without crying and I don't want to keep going over it again and again, he's gone, he was an epic little dog and he'll be missed and is unreplaceable. 

In other news, it's 29 days to Christmas, I'm so glad I'm not going to be home for it now, everything will be so different and that will be a relief!  This year has been full of so much sadness, today is Lucy's partners funeral which will be very emotional, my beautiful friend is so sad as you can expect and angry with the world.

I've never been so glad to have someone in my life to share all this with, even if it's only been over the phone, he did offer to drive back, but I said no, I'll be glad when he does get back though, it's been the longest week, watching my poor boy suffer and knowing in my heart before being told by the vet.   I think I've known for weeks now but didn't acknowledge it.

Amongst all the sadness and tears, I'm still happy - that's madness isn't it but I can see the future, once the sadness starts to subside, I know that I have lots of happy times to look forward too. Silly things like being able to pop to town like I did yesterday without worrying about what to do with Alfie, because even when I left him with my sister, he still really stressed.  I don't remember the last time I was able to go somewhere and not worry about how long I was going to be and how mom/alfie were because I wasn't there and what they'd be like when I got back.  It's such a relief but obviously tinged with true sadness.  I'm sat here crying again, my bloody eyes are all bloodshot with massive bags underneath them and we haven't even got to the funeral yet!

Let's focus on the positives!  3 good things from yesterday

Elle, Carol & I arranged a Christmas lunch outing for December. 

I spoke to my mate Katie, haven't seen her since end March and we arranged a catch up too.

Elle and I put a smile on someones face.  It feels good to do good. 

Actually amongst the tears there were more than 3 good things...

I took a neighbour to buy her sons Christmas bike. 

I bought Christmas PJ's in M&S, ended up with 2 pairs for £35

Chatted on the phone for ages - I'm not on my own just because I'm the only one in my house.

Carols still gonna house sit whilst I'm away, she'll get a break from her hubby & I'll get my house cleaned :) 

My bestie wished me happy thanksgiving from Vegas reminding me of the wonderful holiday we had together 10 years ago in New York.  

See even amongst the sadness, there's always something good to look to.

On that note, I've been up since 4am so I'm gonna have another mug of tea. 

Mwah, luv ya 

love me xx