Here's to adding some colour!

Sunday 14th March 2021

Everything I am, my mom helped me to be.

Well her gift to me today is sleep, once we'd had got over the dementia devil and toilet issues, she's let me have a good 7 hours I reckon, yay!  Mothers day today and if you think about it, we've switched places haven't we and I'm doing some of the things for her that she did for me when I was a child and we both did them with love.

Yesterday I enjoyed a catch up zoom with some lovely ladies and we decided that this week we were going to do our best to make our plates colourful - in content not the actual plate of course (but watch this space on the latter because I've had an idea, just waiting for a response to my message).

As always does when I'm inspired and motivated my brain got working this morning about how to improve the colours in my diet and straight away I thought about an eat the rainbow eating challenge.

Why bother?  What are the benefits of eating the rainbow, why eat fruit and veggies of different colours?  Simply put, it  will increase your intake of different nutrients to benefit various areas of your health.  What benefits? Loads, google it if you're really interested or just take my word for it cos I've googled and can't be doing with replicating the information. 

Need a reminder of different foods and their colours, let's be honest lockdown has made our brains die a little!  Here's a few; 

Red - Apples, strawberries, tomatoes, watermelon, red peppers, cherries, pomegranites, red grapefruit, cranberries, raspberries, rhubarb, beetroot, red cabbage, radish, red lentils, red lettuce, grapes. 

Orange & Yellow - Oranges, Grapefruit, Lemons, Mangoes, Papayas, Carrots, Sweet potatoes, squashes, Cantaloupe, Corn, Orange and yellow peppers, Golden beets, Pineapple, Peaches, Persimmons, Pumpkin, Apricots.

Green - Broccoli, Leafy Greens, Kale, Romaine lettuce, Collard greens, Brussels sprouts, Green grapes, Green apples, Asparagus, Spinach, Swiss chard, Arugula, Green beans, Peas, Zucchini, Kiwi fruit, Avocado, Edamame, Celery, Lime, Cucumber, Pears

Blue and Purple - Blueberries, Blackberries, Red (purple) grapes, Red (purple) cabbage, Eggplant/Aubergine, Plums, Prunes, Figs

White and Browns - Cauliflower, Garlic, Onions, Mushrooms, Potatoes, Parsnips, lentils

Now we've got the list of course there are other foods like proteins so they count too, chickens white, beefs red lol - cos you needed that explaining!  We could say porks pink!  You get the gist, for the veggies tofu white.  Anyway it's all about variety and balance. 

What to eat it from, well personally I love a bowl and I like the idea of eating from a ... wait for it.....

A Happy BOwl - get it?  Happy Owl eating from a Happy BOwl - only a letter different - what can I say I'm easily pleased.  

Nothing better than eating a happy bowl of food from an actual happy owl. 

How to Make a Happy bBOwl 

Step 1: Begin with a base, layer at least one item from each of the following list; 

Base: Anything green [Examples: Lettuces, Leafy greens, spinach] 

Veggies: Chopped, grated, cooked or raw, anything goes here. 

Protein: you can use whatever protein you want, don't forget the plant based type. 

Complex Carbs: such as corn, sweet potatoes, and peas. 

Sweet: Add some fresh fruit to your bowl for a sweet component. 

Crunch: Texture is as important as taste. Be sure to include a crunchy option to keep things interesting. 

Flourish: This is your finishing touch – your sauce, your sprinkling of fresh herbs, etc. 

Step 2: Enjoy!

Okay so I've reinvented the Buddha bowl here but hey - steal with pride I say!  Here's a couple of visuals to get you thinking; 

You can even do it at breakfast too. 

Here's to a week of Happy bOwls full of delicious food.  I'm even going to be painting my own Happy BOwl, once I get a response from Posty Pansy, it'll give me something fun to do, you can do the painting at home now with lockdown!  She has a set of two bowls on her facebook page which is an option.

Anyway, it's almost 8am and mom and Alfie are still asleep - yay!  I think I may have just worked out part of the reason I have painful shoulders, the table I'm typing on is too high for the chair I'm sitting in so my shoulders are in an awkward position.  Will look at that today. 

Here's to nipping to the shop to get some rainbow food as I know there's not loads in the fridge, having said that, I know these look beige but I hate a couple last night and they're delicious, the colours inside! 

Have a wonderful day, much love to all the moms out there, hugs to those that have lost their moms and a big cuddle to every one today - we need them right now. 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

If it ain't mom it's Alfie!

Saturday 13th March 2021
Spring is in the air, don't just live bloom.

Another long night, Alfie's had one of his whining, scratching, biting nights again, took me over an hour to get a piriton into him, but thankfully he's calm at my feet now, I'm just going to give him a tablet everyday now Spring is sprunging!  I don't want to be a bore, so we'll leave it as lack of sleep.  The thing she did last night that threw me was pour water on her tablets, instead of putting her tablets in her mouth and drink water!  I'm going to have to stand over her whilst she takes them in future, every day she deteriorates as her brain breaks a little more. 

I had an email yesterday to let me know I'd passed the qualification I'd done through Walsall college in the second half of last year - awareness in mental health problems. 

Now I didn't much enjoy doing this course, actually hated it at times, I remember thinking on more than one occassion that I wanted to quit, the only reasons I didn't was it was a free course only if you completed it, if you didn't you had to pay over £300.  I needed this email yesterday, it was a great reminder that not everything we do has to be enjoyed to be good for us!

After mom was in hospital last month and her behaviour since, my mission was just to get through March, I can however feel my mood improve each day.  I just needed time to adjust to the next phase of the dementia demon, I think I'm going to have to learn to sleep in the daytime when we're not getting any sleep. I struggle with it, but I think as the weather warms up and we can get outside, I can see me being able to fall asleep in the garden possibly.  My sisters agreed that if need be she'll sit wiht mom so I can get a few hours when I feel I need it, she has offered to sit with her all night but we both know with moms dementia that wouldn't work, mom's feelings towards Anne change by the hour and she'd start shouting up to me which is what she actually does in the day time.  Mom's lost all sense of time, she keeps telling me there was a problem with the clocks wasn't there - erm no lol.

I spoke to moms nurse yesterday, we're doubling moms Circadin to 4mg, this is melatonin which is a natural hormone released in the body during the evening and night, signaling ‘darkness’, associated with sleepiness and the sleep-wake cycle. Thereby melatonin facilitates the feeling of sleepiness and the ability to induce and maintain sleep.  WE HOPE lol.

She also asked why moms citalopram does had been halved, to which I said her GP did it and didn't give me a reason, they don't do they, so it's likely that will be put back up once we've seen how the Circadin works.  I do hope it helps, it's not just so I can get sleep, she's struggling too, mom struggles to communicate how she feels these days, she'll say she's cold, then hot within seconds.

Yeah, I'm tired but feel loads better, I'm ready to get out of lockdown for sure, to see other people, we can see the end of this lockdown. I get my second jab in May, it'll be 6 months since being made redundant from WW, these next weeks will soon fly by and hopefully we'll all be able to get out and together.  I want a life back!

Am I ready to get back to eating for weight loss? Mmm, I don't know, I know I need to but I think if I do it needs to be eased in.  This is a realistic calorie counter recommended to me to show how many you need JSA | Macro Calculator (jamessmithacademy.com)  

What's encouraging me towards WANTING to lose weight is I'm in pain, my body hurts, that and the fact if we get out of lockdown I don't think any of my clothes fit me, yeah here's to improving what I eat so I can bend down and pick up the dog poo without feeling 82! 

Having said that I've got sausages defrosted in the fridge!  Posh M&S ones too, they were reduced when we went last week so I bought them.  I might use them for my main meal and have sausage and mash with veggies.  Breakfast I'm thinking breakfast muffin with egg, mushrooms and tomatoes.  

Here's to feeding myself food that will give me energy to help with the tiredness, to drinking more water which will do the same, to getting back to the positive version of me who always looks for the good in everything.  

I will also make sure my food delivery next week is full of healthy stuff, springs a great time for different foods, I find it easier to eat healthy in the warmer months, I'm even looking forward to it again too.  

Here's to a good day, hopefully getting a walk in later, forecast is better later on but we shall see, the weather does what it wants when it wants doesn't it.  

I'm looking forward to my zoom catch up this morning, had a lovely zoom with Elle yesterday, it was better than just talking on the phone, I'm not gonna lie, I mulitask when I'm on the phone, being on zoom, I didn't do that.

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me x

 

Blogs as short as my sleep was lol

Friday 12th March 2021

Every day is a fresh start.

3 hours sleep - meh, we've been awake since midnight!  On a positive, she's calm just awake, so I'm grateful for that!  

The dementia nurse came and we had a chat, she's going to recommend some changes to moms medication in the hope it helps with both the sundowning and the not sleeping!  She's also told us about a lady who can come in for an hour a week for six weeks and help mom put together a book of her life, basically try and engage her and lift her mood.  We both agreed she's depressed and that's making everything else worse, she misses human interaction even though she'll tell you she isn't.  

I also spoke to social services and night time respite isn't an option, I'm allowed 4 hours respite a week in the day time and then last time we tried that, mom kicked her out anyway lol.  I would be entitled to respite where mom goes in care for a week, but that's not happening!  I just need to sleep, so hopefully the drugs will work, otherwise, I'll have to start sleeping in the daytime and my sister will sit with mom whilst I do it.  We shall see.

I managed to do a little work yesterday and have a couple of walks with Alfie, so that was good, especially as I didn't get wet, missed the showers both times - happy days.

I've got my positive back, there's lots to look forward too despite all the crap that's happening in this house so I will not let dementia destroy me as it is my mom.  I've been inproving my diet a little which will help my mood because we all know when we eat better, we feel better.  

I've got my creative juices going this morning so hopefully she'll stay calm, although she's on the edge at the minute, so I'm going to have to go and calm her down - happy days lol. 

Wish me luck xx

mwah, luv ya

Love me 

Well how about that!

Thursday 11th March 2021

Start each day with a grateful heart.

I'm sitting here a little bewildered, I do believe I've had a relatively calm and undisturbed night!  I'm that tired that a hot room, painful shoulder and not the most comfortable bed is becoming less of an issue and mom bless her has slept well, usually even when she's asleep she talks in her dreams, but she's only woke me a few times for the toilet.  She is a poorly old bird, she doesn't deserve this at all. 

The daytime had its moments, she wanted to go home when I was on a UW call, Anne came round for an hour and she was better afterwards.  It really is extreme how much difference sleep makes to this household, I'm more able to handle her behaviour and the more enthusiastic I get about my life too.

Food wise yesterday I enjoyed this thing of beauty, it wasn't planned but mom asked for egg and chips so I saw the egg and I wanted one too.   There's nothing more delicious than an egg fried with oil so it has the crispy bits round the outside, truly scrumptious.  

Now I know some people would be thinking OMG fried food!  But it's all about balance, lots of people have butter on their bread still and there's not a great deal of difference in calories between the two.  92 calories in a large fried egg according to a google search - worth every one of those extra calories I say! 

These were also lush, large portobello mushrooms with jarred peppers, smoked proscuitto bacon (I bought the wrong bacon so it's got to be eaten don't usually eat smoked bacon but it was ok) topped with mozzarella cheese.  I had fish in batter and corn on the cob for tea, forgot the photo but it was tasty too.  I will improve my meals a little at a time, no pressure in this house this month, I'm just making it through March.  

I'm thinking a cooked breakfast though, breakfast muffin, egg, mushrooms and bacon, maybe I'll open a tin of tomatoes too.  That'll keep me going till later on for sure got a busy morning, the dementia nurse is coming at 10 then I have a UW appointment after that and at some point the district nurse will come to redress moms legs. 

I've just heard on the news there's chance of snow this month!  Please, can we have some nice weather and some positivity to balance out the crap that has been the past covid year!

Right, here's to a positive mindset today, I need to get my 'work' and 'future' brain on, if I can't do much now, I can focus on what can be done when I can do stuff.  

Have a great day, 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

Could you prove you were you?

Wednesday 10th March 2021

Sleeping is amazing, you forget everything for a little while.

Where to start!  Another difficult night following a mixed day!  It started okay to be fair, then at 9.45am a car pulled up outside and it was a lady who'd come to help mom 'wash and get dressed', I knew this was something that was going to be put into place but wasn't expecting her yesterday.  I knew mom was unlikely to let her anywhere near her to be honest!  She seemed a very lovely lady, but I wasn't impressed that as she walked in the house she said, is your mom Sheila (erm no! have you read the paperwork), then has moms telling her she's not got a chance of doing anything to her, she looked at me and said, 'well she doesn't have dementia does she so....', (erm yeah, that's why you're here).  It's not 15 minutes each morning to help mom wash and dress I need 5 hours after we've actually got up anyway, I have no issues with washing my mom, that's not what's causing me issues.  Mom's refused to have them come in so that's one thing that won't be happening, she still has capacity to decline and to be fair, even if she didn't - you're not going to be able to wash someone who's unwilling to let you!  No what I need is sleep, so let's hope the dementia doctor can either prescribe something to help or that the suggestion of a respite night sitter once or twice a week comes off.  However after the few hours I had with her last night, I don't know how that will pan out either, but I'm damn willing to try it out.  Mom spent some time after she'd gone kicking off about it, I tried to broach the subject of someone sitting with her at night but her brains broken, in the daytime she's a different person to at night and she doesn't believe she behaves in the way she does at night, so these conversations are almost impossible!

Anne mesaged me to say she would come round so I could go and have me a good walk with Alfie again and baring in mind only 15 minutes earlier she was saying, 'I don't need someone sitting with me, keeping me awake at night, if you don't want to stay here, Anne will' mom's reaction when Anne arrived was more, 'don't leave me with her!' two personalities in the space of 20 minutes!  I did leave her with my sister and me and Alfie drove just over a mile up the road and had a walk round the farmers field, Alfie loves that I'm happy to let him walk as slow as he wants and sniff anything he desires because I get to enjoy the views and take some photos, it's not the same as when he walks round the estate standing and staring and there's only lamp posts for me to look at!  It was a wonderful hour and makes it easier when I go back.  

The rest of the day was pretty calm to be honest, she didn't want to go to sleep early which didn't surprise me as we'd had a goodish night the night before, but then about half nine - BANG!  She wanted to go home, she wanted me to call Bev, when I said I was Bev she was having none of it, she wanted me to call one of her other kids, then at one point she wanted me to call 999!  She was leaving and I tried all the suggestions that come from people who make them with care and love but the thing with dementia is you've got to take into account the 'PERSON' behind the disease, the personality of that person before the dementia started to destroy them.  Yes there are commonalities between sufferers of this disease but there are also differences which have to be taken into consideration.  I can even show her photos of us together and she doesn't see me as that person on the photo, in the end once she'd started to calm because it wouldn't matter what you said when she was in that state it wouldn't land, she asked me to tell her things about myself, basically to prove I was me!   That's what I did, I went through a few things that connected us in the hope she would believe me and she said, 'so what happens now',  If asked to prove who you were without documents to someone you loved if they didn't recognise you- how would you do it?  I suggested we both try and get some sleep and then decide later. Thankfully it worked and we managed to get some sleep from about 11 till 2 when she woke me up for the toilet and sat there telling me that I sleep a lot!  We had broken sleep for the next few hours as she attempted the toilet a few times with nothing happening, I was actually starting to get concerned but thankfully at 7 this morning there was a wee and a poo - WOO HOOOOOOOO! 

Oh how jealous are you of my life right now?  I do feel loads better than I did on Monday still, at least I've had some sleep and that's important to me, I ate healthier yesterday too, I have no intention of 'dieting' but healthy eating is important to me.  Happy and Healthy has always been my goal as a Happy Owl, it's why I started it all those years ago. 

I really enjoyed this meal; 

 

I enjoyed the salad as much as the pasta balls, really tasty.  I also had my Sainsbury's delivery so did a tally of the use by dates on things to help me decide what to eat when this week.  I've got smoked salmon and an breakfast muffin to look forward to at the weekend, I'll be having corn on the cob today, oh and I'm thinking stuffed mushrooms possibly this morning for breakfast, it'll be brunch by the time I eat, I need to wash up first, there's not a clean cup in the kitchen!  I want fish too, maybe I'll have some with the corn later.  

Apparently we're in for some nasty weather, today is going to be washout Wednesday!  Glad I got to do that bit of walking, we'll still have his daily walk, rain or not he needs to do his thing.  

I have stuff to do work wise, not just UW another project in the pipeline with my partners in crime ;) I lost myself for a few weeks there but I'm back, not 100% but I will be.  I need reminding and to remember who I am and what I'm capable of, at the same time what I want to be.  Not just now but in my future, ah the future, it can't come soon enough!

Right I'm off, washing up needs doing meh, hope you have a great day xx

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

Strong women need others!

Tuesday 9th March 2021
Life might not be the party we'd hoped for, but while we here we may as well dance.

What makes your heart sing?  For me it's walking and being outdoors, alone or with excellent company.  A perfect day would be early rising, long walk in the countryside, lunch and a pint in the pub, home by tea time and a good movie on tv followed by an early night because I do like my sleep - a lot.   That really is what floats my boat and walking with my brother on Saturday just for those two hours re-energised me more than anything has in a long time, then I got home and back to the shit show that is my 'life' at the moment.  I went on a zoom chat for an hour and came off questioning whether part my plans for the future were possible, if I even had the energy for any of it.  

Then Sunday I managed to get her in the car for an hour and my heart lifted, I had a little hope, but later she slipped back into the abyss and kept me awake almost all night.  I ate a roast beef dinner at 5am yesterday morning, my body clock is so messed up, I remember thinking I'm gonna have to call someone, this can't go on, then I looked at the clock and it was just gone 7am, normal people were just getting up to start their day!  I messaged my sister and asked her to sit with mom so I could go for some fresh air with Alfie, I popped him in the car and we drove to Essington and walked round the pools for just over an hour, it was bliss.  I felt like me again briefly, I know my limits and standing there looking at the reflections in the water, I knew I was at mine.  I don't function without sleep and I've been averaging around 3 hours most nights, it's not comfortable sleep either, my body is in bits.  

I've always known that I would most likely need help at some point, I won't lie I hoped she would pass away before we got there or that she would no longer know who I or anyone else was when it came to that point.  To be honest, we're not that far off this position, for years I've not done things or gone out because her mood and behaviour when I returned made it so uncomfortable and difficult, that it wasn't worth the trade off.  I remember times driving back from work wondering what mood she was going to be in when I arrived, it felt like an emotionally abusive situation, please remember though that wasn't 'my mom' behaving this way, it was the dementia demon that's been taking over for the past decade.  These days, she's vile to me most of the time so it won't make much difference if I do go out and try and get a little bit of my life back, oh and sleep, I'd love an uninterrupted night of sleep in a comfy bed! 

You'd be amazed at the amount of carers out there having a mirror image of the night I had Sunday night!  I'm not a one off, it's happening all over the world. 

I'm hoping that having people in the house might give her a change of scenery and some different company, it may reengage her with life because I can't be ra ra 100% attention on her when I'm exhausted, I can barely think straight.  

I stopped my car and pulled over on the drive back from the pools realising it was now a reasonable time to call someone, I recalled a name which is unusual for me as my memory for names ain't great, I had stored her name in my phone thankfully but I couldn't remember what she actually did, I just remember a feeling she left me with, I recalled she helped me previously.  I rang the number and said, 'are you the dementia lady', she laughed in a kind way and told me she wasn't but she asked me my name, listened to my tears, helped me explain the situation, then she told me this couldn't go on and that she was going to make some calls with my permission and get me some help.  Amazing lady who does what she says she will - I love people like that, she then spent the next few hours making those calls because calling me back.  

I don't know what that 'help' is going to be exactly, but moms dementia nurse is coming to see us on Thursday and will be talking to the consultant before she comes, the district nurses are going to do an incontinence assessment and the care people are going to come in each morning to help wash and dress mom.  Respite will be looked at too, someone possibly coming to sit with mom so I can have a couple of nights sleep a week, we shall see.  How mom will react, who knows, but I need to try because this can't go on this way, I'm exhausted, I need to sleep. 

My wonderful sister told me to go have a bath when I got back and she stayed with mom but mom didn't want me to go, she's so afraid, her brain is completely broken, she can't help the way she's behaving, the anger that comes from her is from a place of fear not hate.  

We had a relatively calm day and we've even had sleep, albeit downstairs on that god awful uncomfortable bed in this very hot living room, she's still asleep and she's only woke me a few times because she thought she needed the toilet, using the commode she only wee'd a little.  She's not drinking enough, I make her cups of tea and she's been leaving them.    I've slept but I'm not rested if that makes sense, I'm the kind of tired that will take more than sleep to cure, I need more walks in the fresh air, I need to spend time with my friends, I need to giggle and laugh, and ma'an do I need a hug! 

It's almost a year since lockdown started, it's well over a year since I went out for a meal, that was January 2020!  I'd just be happy to eat a fk it bucket in the garden with my pals whilst drinking something fizzy!  Here's hoping ay that we all get to do the things we've missed really soon.

But for today, having had some sleep, we shall hope for a calm day, eat some delicious food and rest up.  I'm grateful for the people contacting me for quotes with UW, because I honestly haven't the energy to 'tout' for business so to speak, my brain is as tired as my body.  It won't be forever, it's just for now.

Nothing is permanent... don't stress yourself too much because no matter how bad the situation is... it will change.  One thing I've also realised this week is never make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings.  I'm very lucky to have amazing ladies in my life who listen to me process my thoughts, don't just in with 'solutions', only offer their opinion and advice if asked for it, they have helped me survive the last few years more than they'll ever know. 

And just to make you smile, one of the best things I ate yesterday was lettuce and cucumber!  See good food is delicious, it tasted fresh and was the perfect accompliment to the pizza I'd treated myself to from M&S ;) I'll never be a saint in the kitchen let's be honest. 

feta cheese and caramelised onion - so good!

Here's to a calm day, a quiet day, a dry day, the last one this week according to the forecast, so a walk with Alfie is definitely on the cards.  I hope you have the kind of day you desire. 

Mwah, luv ya

Love me xx

  

Here's to making it through the day...

Monday 8th March 2021

Take time to make your soul happy. 

2am and no sleep is being had in this household, I'm so tired, I bloody love my sleep and it's being stolen from me, this situation is shite!  I did manage to get her in the car for an hour yesterday though and she came for a drive with me to the shop, it was a right game getting her in the car, she can barely function now, getting to the point of not even knowing how to put one foot in from of the other, it's a dreadful shame.  She spent some of the time telling me about her dad and what a wonderful man he was, before glazing over and disappearing into her own little word.   Other 'highlights' of the day included her telling me how she wished she was dead and if someone would give her the drugs she'd take them because this is no life!  I can't disagree with her, it really isn't, the only thing she can identify now and feel is pain and no one wants that do they.

I can't focus on anything else at the minute as much as I try, she's a full time job and it's draining, even the dogs knackered, poor thing.  I'm just getting through the days, some are easier than others, if we manage to get some sleep then great, but days we don't I just don't do anything. Sitting next to someone who's dragging stuff round with her walking stick and slamming the door with it, whilst saying 'shit shit shit' ain't pleasant. Then there's the throwing her rubbish on the floor rather than putting it in the bin, that's special.  Oh and that fkin metal biscuit tin, honestly arghhhhhh!  She's just held a photo up and said, "Anybody we know?", it was a photo of Lucy, her little shih tzu, her most precious dog who she broke her heart over when we lost her and she doesn't even recognise her now.  

On a positive, I did cook me a Sunday roast, I even did a decent job of the beef, Alfie was impressed anyways, you can't beat a bit of meat and two veg with your plate of gravy!

If I'd slept this would've been a whole lot more positive because after my walk with my brother, getting her in the car and actually being arsed to cook, I was feeling a positive but lack of sleep steals my mood, sleep deprivation is a dangerous thing!

I keep thinking to myself, it isn't forever.  That's no way to think is it, to just keep waiting for her to die so I can finally have a decent nights sleep, but it is how I'm thinking because this can't go on forever or it'll kill both of us for sure.  

Well this is a cheery blog isn't it, I've welcomed you into my middle of the night, sleep deprived brain where I sit for hour listening to her talk nonsense because she's hallucinating / dreaming without sleeping and basically I'm sitting next to a stranger wearing my moms clothes. 

If I lie down on her hospital bed, she starts talking to me but if I sit in my chair she calms down a little, it's almost as if she's only content if I'm awake, if I didn't know better, I'd think she was doing it on purpose to tip me over the edge! 

I'm going to shut up now because it's Monday morning and that's hard enough without you listening to me banging on.  Oh kids are back at school this week aren't they, good luck with that. 

Here's ironic for you, I've just found out it's National Bed Month, if only ay, I'd love to spend the month in bed, but here's some tips for anyone who isn't being kept awake by a crazy old lady Six Ways To Sleep Better For National Bed Month - The Sleep Council.

Hopefully you have slept and you won't be reading this in the middle of the night xx 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me x

Stuck in my own snow globe!

Sunday  7th March 2021

We spend our lives crafting our own snow globe worlds, but the beauty occurs when they get shaken up.

I did a post on Facebook yesterday afternoon saying 'If you're my friend, write a FACT about me'. I'd seen it on another page so stole it with pride, I thought it would help me process some stuff that's going round in my head.  Maybe these facts would remind me of who I am and who I want to be going forward.

People wrote some wonderful things and some funny comments triggered the most amazing memories.  One however stood out to me, really caught my attention and my imagination, it was this;

Valerie Tromans "You were the first WW leader I ever met that actually saw ME. You might be in a your own snow globe right now but you are one impressive individual and we still see YOU xx"

That's exactly how I feel! “I feel like I'm a snow globe and it keeps getting shook up over and overagain, and and each time it happens my world falls apart, then falls back slightly differently, I'm just trying to work out where I want it to finally settle, what I want my life to be like when the shaking stops because nothing is where it used to be apart from the location!

I think lots of people at the start of the Pandemic were always rushing about, then they had to stop and slow down, our minds never calm enough to think, but if you imagine your mind as a snow globe. All day every day, it's being shaken and never settles because we're always on the go, busy, busy busy.  But what if you set that snow globe down, just sit and let everything slow and calm down, the snow (your thoughts) will settle and the picture (your life) will become clear.  You have to stop and think to get there though don't you.  I've been doing a lot of this lately, but my brain is struggling to think straight with everything that is mom!

I'm trying to calm my mind so stop this snow globe effect, that comment yesterday made me realise this, also that it might take a little longer than it usually does for me to process my thoughts and that's okay, I don't have to rush to make any decisions imminently. I'm going to give my snow globe time to settle so I know what I want from my life in the future. 

Another idea I'm going to do is 'draw a picture of my life', my bestie was asked to do this for an interview recently, for me though I'm going to put together an image of what I want in my future life.  A sort of vision board if you will, things I'd like in my life, what I'd like it to look like, it'll be fun if nothing else.  I could even do it on Pinterest - make a board. 

Back to the now though, we spent our night in our own beds WOO HOO, she decided very early she wanted to go to bed, I knew it would take me hours to settle her and I was right, but I did eventually and she only woke once about 2am, she still asleep now and it's heading towards 7am!  I lay in bed and watched 'I care a lot' on Amazon prime, excellent movie, but not a comfortable watch!  

I had a couple of hours walking with my brother on the morning along the canal to Bentley bridge and back, in search of the otter, we didn't find him but we still enjoyed the ducks, swans, geese and fresh air, I do love to be outdoors, I think that's what I miss most these days, just being able to get in my car, go for a drive and then have a lovely walk.

I made this plate of deliciousness; 

Cauliflower cheese, gnocchi and a roasted pepper, blooming tasty it was too.  Delicious, healthy and indulgent all at the same time!

Then I drunk too much red wine, but hey, that's hardly a new thing is it!  We all gotta die from something and as I don't plan to hang around to go the way my mom is, I'll continue with my red. 

Before she went to bed last night she was in another world, talking about whether she was gonna go to work as she didn't want to be a nurse anymore!

----

Did you notice I was gone... mom woke, I've just helped her dress and come down the stairs, she's a poor old thing, a true mess, another morning I lay in the room next to hers wondering if she'd passed away in her sleep as I couldn't hear any noises, a little part of me wanting it to be. 

How she's walking is beyond me, you can actually hear her joints creeking as she walks, it sounds like floorboards!  She can't even put her cardigan on now, it's so sad, it truly is.  If she was in a happy oblivious place it would be okay, but she isn't, she rarely smiles and just sits staring or eating biscuits. 

Let's not dwell on that, some of yesterday was wonderful and today I plan to make some of it the same again, I'm thinking a roast dinner, but do I have beef or chicken - answers on a post card please, I'm edging towards beef, I'm just not very good at cooking a joint, it's not my forte at all! 

A walk or two with Alfie too, I need to go do the washing up as well, it won't do itself as they say!  Then I'll look for something to watch on tv later. Right I'm off, have a great day.

Luv ya 

Love me xx

Here's to a good poo day!

Saturday 6th March 2021

Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself. 

Another lousy night downstairs, my shoulder/back isn't happy with me at all, but we're doing our best to get some sleep, what can I say!  Mom, well there's not much to say that hasn't already been said, she's there in body but that's about it, every day she gets further away and also delivers the yuckiest habits, but hey it is what it is and we can't do much about it. 

This morning I'm off for a walk with my our Ian and that's making everything better to be honest, a hour or 2 walking along the canal = happiness.  I even managed to do a little work yesterday without interruption, so that's definitely progress. 

I've become a Pinterest addict this week, I've always had an enjoyable relationship with the website, it's the first one I open when I go to write my blog to look for quotes but I'm using it at the moment for inspiration for my house for the future.  I think I'm going to be bold and paint the kitchen NOW though, obviously not right this minute but when I can get me some paint.  I like the idea of bright yellow, bring some sunshine indoors!  

In your face yellow!  But because the units are more cream than white, I might need to calm the yellow a little, we shall see, hell it could be green tomorrow, my heads a bit fickle at the moment. 

I might also want some hardy indoor plants to put in there too, or maybe a few herbs then they'll be useful too.  I need something to stimulate my brain and I know it won't be easy to be in the other room but maybe I could talk her into sitting in there watching me do it.  If I don't try, I'll never know.  I got the portable wheelchair out yesterday that next door daughter gave me, I'm going to try and get her in that at some point when the weather warms up she said yesterday, so again keep trying.  

We need Spring to full on arrive and bring some warmth and sunshine, I was an eating machine yesterday, I think I had 5 meals in the end!  They were all tasty though lol and I did share a little with Alfie.  I also never cooked that meal I'd planned on cooking though, mom was too demanding yesterday. 

It's 5am now we've been up up since 4am, by that I mean I've been woken every hour at least throughout the night but I gave up at 4 and now she's snoozing next to me!  You couldn't make it up.

At least I'm gonna have a little freedom to start my day, I spoke to the doctor about her medication yesterday so that's sorted, she had all sorts of suggestions on how to get mom 'regular' and only trying to go to the toilet twice a day, instead of the 20 times she wanted to try and poo yesterday, if only it was that easy to communicate with someone with dementia ay!  

Here's to a poo free day, well not completely free but not the obsessive day like she had yesterday!  What is my world coming to when all we need is a good poo and it's a good day! ;) 

On that note, I wish you a good poo day too and I'll say turrah a bit.

Luv ya, 

Love me xx

Yay, it's Friday.

Friday 5th March 2021

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Another night downstairs!  It's not much fun, it's too hot because mom feels the cold - I don't have the radiator on in my room.  It's noisy, she spent what seemed like hours banging her tin lid whilst eating biscuits!  I have had sleep, just interrupted, the bed was more comfortable but it'll be a while before the pain between my shoulder blades goes away I reckon! 

The district nurse bandaged both moms legs yesterday, I had a a feeling it was only a matter of time before that happened, she's not in a good place at all bless her heart. 

I really enjoyed my dinner yesterday, posh fish and chips wasn't it! 

These were delicious and I'd definitely buy them again, I love scallops. 

I've had better chips though, actually apart from the new KFC chips, I don't think I've had worse chips, they were the slimming world ones from Iceland, not impressed at all with them. 

I'm gonna get a bit creative in the kitchen today I think, use up the veggies that are in the fridge and also the potatoes I have, after all the red meat I've eaten this week in my stew, I need some balance, some freshness.  

My cars okay, it was just the sensor causing the light thankfully, interesting chat with him though, he's selling up and moving away.  He wants a different life and who can blame him, plans to work from home more and I think so many are doing the same, wanting to work differently and have a different life to before covid.  I know right now, getting a job for so many is tough enough but it's definitely a time for reflection, I know I've done a lot of thinking and changed my mind more than once about what my future might look like!

I've not really got much to tell you today, I'm sat listening to mom tell me she scared all the time and when I ask what's she's scared she says, 'I don't know, the future', it obviously stops me from thinking about much else, it's a rotten existence for her and no way for anyone to spend their final time on this earth.  She's just gone to go to the toilet and has to ask which way to go out of the door, how crap is that, over 25 years we've lived in this house and she doesn't know her way round it anymore.  

To distract myself the last few days, I've been playing on Pinterest, looking for ideas for my house when I'm able to do things again.  Looking for ways to make changes that won't cost the earth as I don't want to spend loads of money on stuff.  

Well I've got one burger bun so I think I'm gonna have bacon on it this morning for breakfast, mmm.  Yeah that's me off to make that now, I've got to sort mom out anyway, so have a great day, it's the weekend almost.  I plan to watch Coming to America 2 today, I've started watching stuff on my laptop with my earplugs in as mom doesn't seem to watch the tele on anymore.  

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

Things are improving!

Thursday 4th March 2021
It's what you do next that matters. 

 

My wonderful sister told me to go and have a bath yesterday whilst she sat with mom, she also did my washing up whilst I went to fetch a guest bed I'd bought which didn't get used in the end last night because mom decided she wanted to go upstairs to bed!  Not complaining though as I got to sleep in my own bed, she only woke me 3 times, poor love wet herself trying to get to the bathroom around 2am. I can't wait to be able to rip the carpet up in that room and thank the world for carpet cleaner for now. 

Lol just sat here trying to get a dirty mark off my screen only to realise it was a comma!  I obviously need the rest of this mug of tea before I'm completely functioning this morning.

Every day this week has got a little easier with mom, I'm hoping she was really bad because of the messing about with her drugs whilst in hospital and just the fact she was in hospital rather than the next stage of dementia.  We know she won't get 'better' but we hope that she passes away from something else rather than being destroyed by dementia because the end stages of this horrific disease are just awful. 

Seeing a vase of daffodils and tulips in my living room really lifts my mood, spring is here woo hoo, well almost, I've even got a walk planned for early Saturday morning with my brother, there's something to look forward to.  I've got to take my car to the garage today, a warning light came on yesterday, but hey it's almost a day trip out so I'm not complaining. 

I enjoyed this beef burger yesterday and you can't have too many onions really in my opinion. 

This photo was posted on Facebook when I opened it this morning, so I've stolen it and put it on my own timeline because it's such a good question.  Not someone because that's always the easiest answer.  

Spend some time today thinking about the things in your life that bring you happiness, I've just taken this photo whilst sitting in my chair.  Almost everything within 6ft of me brings me happiness. 

my crochet, the flowers, that stupid green frog that always appears to be looking directly at you!  The buddha's oh and my concrete man, I love him, he's sat there for years and I adore him, occassionally at Christmas I put a little santa hat on him.  

So many things in my house bring me happiness and when I'm able I plan to decorate and add to it and have even more things making me happy.  

Today though, I will make sure I do something for me, that's what I've decided needs to be happening to keep me going, so yesterday was my bath, the day before was that wonderful walk over the park, today mmm, what shall I do today.  I will eat a delicious meal sitting up the table I've put in the kitchen this week, mom will need to get used to me doing that because I love to eat at the table and now I've got one, it's happening. 

I need to get a chair to sit on, I'm sitting on an Ikea stool at the minute, it needs to be comfy but small. Oooo there's a fold up chair in the summer house that might serve the purpose.  I don't want to spend any unnecessary money if I can repurpose things.  

Right today will be another good day, positive mental attitude! 

mwah, luv ya 

Love me x

Zzzzzzzz

Wednesday 3rd March 2021
The best view comes after the hardest climb.

I'm nobody special!  Actually that's not true, I am - we're all special so that first statement wasn't really true, but I meant in the way I'm caring for my mom, I've had lots of lovely comments telling me what a great job I'm doing.  What's ridiculous is the charity Carers UK estimates there were up to 9.1 million unpaid carers across the UK before the Covid-19 pandemic, providing everything from a few hours a week to intensive and complex round-the-clock support. What's even more ridiculous is the pandemic has led to 4.5 million people doing some care work, 2.8 million of whom are juggling these new responsibilities with waged work. The only difference with me is I'm just sharing my experience with anyone who wants to listen, partly because I believe Alzeimers and Vascular Dementia is completely misunderstood, but also because it's my life right now and I've always talked about my life, that old open book habit I have.  I've not always shared the stuff about mom as I didn't want to talk about her as such, but this version now isn't my mom and I think it'll do us all good to realise we could end up the same, so we need to take care of ourselves the best we can and live life to the full whilst we can.

Wait for it, I have something really important and so very, very exciting to tell you.  You may want to sit down if you aren't already.  Mom is asleep, she's been asleep since around 8 or 9 last night!  I think partly, she's bloody worn out but the main reason is because I slept in the living room with her, when I'm in the same room as her, she feels safe and allows herself to relax.  She's looks bloody uncomfortable though, but one step at a time ay.  My backs in bits but hey I've had sleep, that's a victory in my eyes.  

I'm lucky because the last few weeks have been tough but I haven't HAD to do other things, I'm able to sit round in the day time doing nothing, admittedly it's not the most fun life but hey I don't think anyones having that at the minute thanks to the pandemic.  

She's not gonna get any better is she, it is going to get tougher for me and Anne and we're under no illusion so we'll be putting no pressure on ourselves to be doing amazing or extraordinary things in other parts of our lives, we're just gonna survive and keep each other going. 

She's stirring now, she's really not a well woman at all, it's bloody tragic to watch her wasting away but I guess this is the cycle of life, we're born, we live, we die, this dying bit sucks though when you have to watch it happening and you're not able to do anything to ease it. 

In other areas of my life, I made a beef stew yesterday which will keep me going a few days.  I also enjoyed a couple of jam doughnuts that my sister treated me too and a bowl of white chocolate rice crispies - they're lush and I blame Emma for them as she posted a bowl on Facebook. 

I had a lovely walk over the park with Alfie, he mostly just wanted to watch the world go by but it was good to have a bit of fresh air.  

I was also reminded not to mix the grape with the grain, I had a couple of bottles of ale then a glass of wine and my heads hurting this morning!  

I've binge watched 'Brush Strokes' over the last few days, there were 3 series on catch up then I found the other 3 online, really enjoyed it, I remember it the first time round in the 80s easy to watch sitcom.

Also doing a cream baby blanket at the minute, although I've just found another project I want to do so it might be put to one side whilst I start the next one, that'll mean I have 3 things on the go then!  I need to make sure I finish them all though.  

Will I ever get her in this hospital bed?  If I do, I think I'll need to get me a fold up bed to sleep down her with her, I miss my lovely double bed so much!  Even if I don't I need something on the top of that bed to make it comfortable enough to sleep in.

Anyway, I can't be thinking about that this morning, my head hurts and I've got an appointment at half ten.  My target is to sign up at least 4 customers a month, this will help me save for my future.  We're living on a very low budget right now, the only outgoings are bills and food, so anything I make after that I'm saving so I can do the house up at some point and enjoy some niceties. 

Right let's all have a very, good day! 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

I'm not an Owl!

Tuesday 2nd March 2021 

The way you speak to yourself matters. 

3:33am, I'm going back upstairs for the umpteenth time and mom asks, 'why are you tired?' I'd laugh if I weren't exhausted, but I reply, 'because I'm not a bloody Owl!', I'm not nocturnal but apparently these days mom is!  She just doesn't like to be left alone is the truth, night time scares her and she can't help her behaviour.  As she isn't sleeping on her hospital bed, I thought I'd try, it's the most uncomfortable thing for me anyway because I have a bad back and my mattress is a tempur one that cost a bomb. I managed to lie there for couple of hours, but she still kept talking to me, she nodded off so I sneaked upstairs but she woke up soon enough.  The night then proceeds like this;  

"Bev, can you take me home?"

"Bev, I need to toilet"

or similar sentences, so I come down and help her to the toilet where she doesn't do anything most of the time because she didn't need the toilet but her brain's broken and it's one of the only sentences she knows to say that will get her the attention she's craving. 

Then she looks at me and says, 'you look dreadful', 'I know mom, I'm exhausted!' I reply.  

'Have you always struggled to sleep?'

'No mom, it's not that I can't sleep, it's that you're not letting me'.

'Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be quiet now, you need your sleep, I won't disturb you again'. 

'thank you mom, can I go back to bed now then?'

'Yes, of course you can'. 

'Night mom, I love you'.

'Night Bev.'

I'm half way up the stairs when she shouts, 'Bev, can I have a cup of tea?'

I come back down and make her a drink, then we go through the same routine as above, but this time we only get to the bit where she says, 'you need your sleep' and follows it with, 'can I have some toast'  This is 2am! 

This happens every 20, 30 or 40 minutes, but even when she's not calling me, there will be something else.  She might start signing some random nursery rhyme or shouting/singing 'Alfie, Alfie, where are you Alfie, come here Alfie', I think that was half one.  I look at the time every time she wakes me in the hope that I've managed some sleep.  The fkers snoozing now, after an hour of telling me she needs to go home, nope she's woke up again, 'what time is it?'

At one point during the night she was trying to get out the front door, thankfully I'd locked it and put the key where she won't find it before I get downstairs, she was going home apparently.

I officially hate the Grand Old Duke of York, and Nelly the Elephant better never darken my doorstep, good job I haven't got kids who'll be having grandkids for me cos I'd be emotionally traumatised every time they sung these tunes!  

That's the night, the day time is equally entertaining!  

Mom, 'my back hurts, I'm in so much pain'.

Me, 'do you want some painkillers'

I attempt to suggest she changes how she's sitting in her chair to adjust her posture, to which her response is, "Why would I want to do that?".  Me, 'because your backs hurting and how you are sitting isn't helping'.  Mom, "My backs not hurting, if it was you'd know about it you silly cow, everybody would know about it".  That's all in the space of 2 minutes!

Much more is said and happens throughout the day but I forget it as soon as it happens because it would blow my mind to store it, although if you look at it through comical eyes, it's actually quite funny.  

My sister and I have even taken to ignoring the fact she hates us at times and slags us off to each other and trying to see the humour in that too.  

She won't leave the room without her handbag because she's worried someone with steal it, I mean who wouldn't want a bag with loose pink wafers and half empty pom bear packets in it!  Oh and don't get me started on the walking frame, this morning I found her attempting to get to the toilet with her walking frame in one hand and her handbag and walking stick in the other! Then when she gets there she doesn't know how to use the toilet or what to do on it.    

Well that's enough of that for today, I don't write it to make you sad, I write it to make myself see the humour in it other than just the sadness.  There is far too much sadness, I left her snoozing as I walked the dog early yesterday morning and I cried as I walked, partly from tiredness but mostly from that realisation that I've lost my mom completely now, she's in pain, she's miserable, she's confused, she'd be shot if she were a horse!

Luckily I have the most amazing friends who are keeping me going, making me laugh or offering to help me out in any way they can, I have friends that have been around for years and new friends that hve been around for months but it feels like I've known them years (in a good way), there's also those I've known for years but have gotten closer too over the last few months.  I can't wait to be able to meet up.  I know it sounds like I'm wishing her dead because of some of the plans I'm making but it's not quite that bad, I just need something to keep me going and when mom does pass, I have a 3 bedroom house, I plan to have guest beds so that I can have mates round for cracking good nights and they don't have to worry about driving home.  I plan to spend my grieving time decorating it, which will give me something to focus on rather than sitting and crying more than I already have. 

I'd planned to cook yesterday but it never happened, so I will try again today, I did manage to do one appointment suppporting a partner, my sister came and sat with mom, so if anyone does want an appointment give me a shout, just let me tell you what we're about, I was on a zoom call last night and the average industry prices are going up by £96 by April 1st!  Talk to me, we're so much more than cheap energy! 

Right I need to get my ass into gear (actually I don't as my diary is completely empty) but we have the district nurse coming today, I've got to sort moms drugs - all 17 of them and I'm going to get the food ready for cooking now so I don't think sod it again.  I need the loo badly too lol (tmi).

Mwah, Luv ya 

Love me xx

Day one, Chapter 3

Monday 1st March 2021

You do not have to be fearless, doing it afraid is just as brave.

Yay, yesterday was the first day I didn't have to call my sister for backup!  It still wasn't a good day for her but she didn't kick off and refuse to believe I was me.  Actually for an hour I let her believe I was Anne, it was easier.  She's finally asleep, which isn't much use to me now it's morning lol, but we've survived another day, who needs a good nights sleep and a relaxed back, they're overrated ain't they.

I did a post on my facebook/instagram yesterday about her and how it's all affecting us, it's vile and she's horrid and I shared the post in the Dementia Daughters group being honest and saying when I see that their loved one has passed away, I'm actually jealous and I was amazed (well actually no I don't think I was) at the amount of people who felt the same way.  Until you've cared for someone with dementia/alzheimers you can't even begin to imagine what it's like.  Even more so if you're the only person in the house with them so it's 24/7, then throw a pandemic and lockdown on top of it and well, tough don't even come close.  At the same time, there are so many people in situations that make mine look easy, but knowing someone elses life is worse doesn't make mine easier.   It might be dreadful for me but it's also a living hell for her, she wishes herself dead most days, she's terrified of being alone, which is now making walking Alfie an issue and she doesn't even know how to use a toilet! 

Having amazing friends and siblings does make things easier though, I can't wait to be able to see them again.  Until I can, it's chats on the phone, they'll see me through.

SPRING is sprunging :) another lovely day yesterday, you can't beat a bit of sun for lifting the spirits.  

 
nothing as lovely as a spring walk 

I even ate 3 meals yesterday too!  

those mushrooms were in garlic butter - bloody lush. 

cheese and cucumber sarnie.

Marlie's Menu curry goat out of my freezer.

It's all about making it through March for me at the moment and that's about adapting to these changes in mom and my life.  I did manage to get that customer yesterday which made my bloody day, especially as she was very understanding about mom making sound effects in the background.  This is what's getting me through, thinking about  the future, so if I can save a few pounds, I'll have some money to do a few things, decorating the house and stuff.  

Right March 1st, I'm gonna have a shower and do my skincare routine that V put in place for me.  I'm thinking egg on toast for breakfast and something out of the freezer for lunch.

I'm having a very confusing conversation with mom right now so I'm going to have to go.  

Here's to March 1st, day one of chapter 3.  I plan to make it through one way or another, what's your plan!

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx