Made it through March!

Wednesday 31st March 2021

Let all that you do, be done with love.

 

A productive day yesterday, after enjoying my breakfast, doing a load of washing and having a walk with Alfie, I decided to have a go at stripping the wallpaper off in moms room, it's woodchip that's been painted with a vinyl silk I think, well I don't care what anyone says, there is no 'easy' way, but there is a ridiculous amount of pleasure from a big piece coming off in one!  I did a bit, then got fed up of that, started cleaning the garden furniture, then Dave turned up with a stripper for the paper and a tbone for my tea (diet is a work in progress ;) I know I'm not going to be perfect straight away and I'm not turning down a bloody good steak).  He told me not to do anymore of the furniture as he has a jet wash thing that should clean em up without the elbow grease, I wasn't arguing with that.  After a natter I went back upstairs to try out the paint steamer thing which made for easier stripping, I've almost done the two walls, just need the ceiling that's a challenge need to get the steps out the shed and it hurts your neck don't it.  Thankfully I only need to do the window wall now because the other wall is being boxed in with fitted cupboards so you won't see it - why do something you're not going to be able to see!

Another walk with Alfie, he basically come and told me to stop doing what I was doing as he was bored, then we sat in the garden and enjoyed the sunshine for a bit, then made my tea and chilled out before going to bed.  Had about 7 hours and YAY I haven't had stomach ache since yesterday morning so fingers crossed whatever was causing that has gone away now. 

I had a couple of lovely gifts through the post too, it's nice opening something that isn't a bill and it take the pain away from having a copy of arrowwords for mom in the same post, I need to find someone who enjoys puzzles to pass these onto, I hate waste. 

My dinner table is under control, when my kitchen was done, there was a piece of wood left over and Mark kept it for me, it's 62cm square and I wanted a 65cm circle, so whats 3cm between friends ay, he's going to make it into a circle for me and I've ordered the legs (they're not arriving till Tuesday - boo, I'm impatient ain't I!) but he's a clever bugga, he was concerned about me being able to get my legs under the table because it was so small, I'd have never thought about that at all, but I can either have the leg inbetween mine (pardon the image) or I thought this morning why not only have 3 legs, tripods have 3 legs because it's more stable than for, a 3 legged table cannot wobble unlike a 4 legged one.

I've also got a piece of wood coming to make my chair bench, I reckon i can do that myself, I've only got to stain the wood and screw it on, it's all coming together.  

I don't think I want a double bed permanenty in the spare room, I'd like to be able to craft up there and sit looking out the window onto my back garden, so I could leave stuff out and not have a messy living room, there wouldn't be enough room for that if I have a bed in there, so I'm considering a day bed that opens up when I do have visitors.  It'd pull out into a double, then there'd be room in there for me to do yoga and meditation too, make it a cosy room, I'd thought about doing this before and now I've had that money from the wonderful Owls, I don't have to buy my dining chair so I have some spare don't I :) ain't I lucky though. 

Something like this; 

NICE!

I've always wanted a day bed, ain't I a weirdo, what a strange thing to want, but I have what can i say.  Well that's me sorted for an hour, trawling the internet for day beds, pinterest is how I relax.  I'll start on the stripping soon enough, I need to get the paper up that's already on the floor cos my neighbour is off to the tip today so she can take it for me, save filling my bin up.

Here's to another busy day, helps tire me out which is helping me sleep!  I have a delivery coming today ready for mine and Elle's new venture - eek! Exciting times, making up for the tough times I've had the last few years, wouldn't change a thing, apart from mom not having dementia if it was possible of course, but it isn't so we'll enjoy what's to come knowing I did everything I could for her. 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

 

Dementia & Death makes you fat!

Tuesday 30th March 2021

Just start - it's as simple as that!

Well I slept and I only got out of bed once for Alfie, I was in bed by 7, my aches and pains were bothering me so I thought, they don't hurt when I'm lying down so that's what I did and I stayed there till half four!  

Yesterday was my first 'without wine' day in a very, very long time, I had a light food day too because of my tummy issues, I turned wine into mushroom soup not quite Jesus level but it was needed and I didn't even turn it, I just opened a different cupboard.  

I've just stood on the scales, I turned myself into a much heavier version without much difficulty though, I'm 14st 7lb, I have never in my life weighed that, but I've never lost my mom either.  That's what a combination of dementia and covid lockdowns do for ya, time to sort it out for sure.  I don't care about the numbers, I really, really don't but I do care about how I feel and my body hurts, my backs in bits, my sciatica is playing up, my knee feels like it's been hit by a hammer and my stomach twists and turns after every meal at the minute.  

I'm hoping all the activity I've started doing around the house will burn some calories, I pulled the carpet up in moms room yesterday and cut it into squares to fit in bin bags, then I started to pull some of the paper off her wall.  That's gonna be a bitch of a job but a little bit at a time and I'll get there.  The forecast is lovely today so I'll spend it in the garden cleaning up the garden furniture ready for sitting on.  

Doing stuff and keeping active stops me thinking, 'what can I eat next' too, it's helping that the crap ain't in the house either.  I do have a few packets of crisps but that's about it on the junk scale.  I've got convenience food in the freezer but if I eat it in the portions it meant to be, that's okay too. 

Yesterday was a strange day, no not strange emotional, I stood in moms room early morning full of frustration because I didn't know where to start, bloody teddy's and bedding - seriously how many old quilt covers does one house need.  After crying on the phone to my sister, I started putting it all in bags, it's on the landing now, needs to go in the shed until I can get rid of it all at a charity shop, then I started ripping up the carpet, I remember screaming at one point - it felt good, proper gutteral. 

I had a drive to my brothers to fetch back some chairs I'd given him years ago, I'm going to turn them into a dining bench, I also spent way too long searching the internet for chairs!  You want to sit in them don't ya, it's not the same if you can't so I'll probably wait until that's possible. 

Alfie was a little nightmare, had a full on made hour yesterday, I think he was bollocking me for what I was doing to moms carpet to be honest but he's been golden all night, slept through except that one wake up, but when you think he goes 12 hours without weeing - that's impressive for anyone, let alone a little old dog!

eggs and tomatoes on toast for brekkie this morning I think and something healthy again later, I'm not expecting miracles and fabulous weight loss but if I can just improve my diet that's a great start.  I did say I just needed to make it through March and I almost have.  It came be Attempting in April, 

It sounds slightly better than 'try' lol, although it pretty much means the same! 

According to those dictionary definitions the difference between attempt and try is something difficult!  Let's be honest nothing is more difficult that losing weight and being healthy, well maybe that's a bit extremem but I know more people struggling with that than most things. 

Here's to finding something to fit to continue my tasks today, sure I have leggings that'll do the job, my baggy jeans that make me look like a hobo are in the washing.  I need to be wearing scruffs anyway cos it's a mucky job clearing crap, doing garden stuff and stripping paper.

Here's to a productive day, a healthier day, I hope you all got to see friends and/or relatives in your garden yesterday.

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

 

Finding my new norm

Monday 29th March 2021 

It doesn't get easier, you just get stronger. 

Well the clocks changed by my body thinks it went back an hour not forward cos I was awake at 3am again!  I'm not tired though, I've had more sleep in the last week than the rest of this year I reckon!  It's been exactly a week as I type, Anne and I had just called for someone as mom had gone, but let's not dwell. 

Yesterday I mostly did nothing around the house, I went for a walk with my bro, we took Alfie with us, maybe not a great idea as he's slept since, he didn't even follow me upstairs last night, I left the light on for him in case he woke up and wondered where I'd gone.  We were out an hour and a half walked the canal path then the road way back, it was good to get some fresh air, even if it was drizzling.  

I then had a natter with my bestie on the phone before Lucy turned up, she said go put a bra on, I'm like wtf weirdo?  Facebook She'd organised a collection from my Happy Owls and had put it together in the most inventive way.  I was blown away by the generosity, it made me laugh and then in made me cry because mom would've loved it, it would have been a great birthday pressie idea, but there won't be any more of them will there.  I'm going to treat myself to something to sit on and up, I'm thinking a dining table and chair(s).  Then I'll be reminded of lovely people every time I sit down to work or eat.  

I spent the rest of my day on my backside binge watching Firefly Lane, I can't decide if I like it though, it's not bad, but I'm not mad keen to watch the next episode.  To be honest I don't think anything's getting my attention, it could be anything and it's on but I'm not really paying attention.  I fell asleep a couple of times in my chair too which doesn't help when you're following a storyline.

I'll get back to doing my kitchen this morning I reckon, then I'll start on the upstairs which is the dreaded bit!  My office will be last as I need somewhere to actually put the stuff that's in there as not all of it needs chucking, I want the storage space putting in place in moms room to put it all in.  I need to get the carpet up and the walls decorated, think they might need replastering when the paper comes off!  

My stomachs still playing me up, I still think it's hormones and probably how my body is choosing to deal with the stress of what's happened.  Gonna give myself as long as I need to process everything that's happened, then at some point I'll get myself a routine, I reckon get Easter out the way, get the house sorted and ready to decorate and I'll be ready to start to think about the future.  

Elle and I are working on our plans, May 22nd we can get going full blast!  It looks like we have 3 venues which is brilliant, just waiting on Boris!  I can't wait, lots of exciting ideas that need us to sit down together and put pen to paper, we can sit in the garden now to do that. 

Not done much, so not much to chat about, here's to a good, productive day, send me energy vibes, I need some as my umph has left the building I think.  

Oh Marlies menu for this week, for those who enjoy it; 

If you're not on Facebook her details are +44 7763 866941 or marlies_menu@yahoo.com

Mwah, luv ya 

love me x

A long week....

Sunday 28th March 2021
Breathe it all in, love it all out. 

It's a good job the clocks have gone forward the hour or I'd have been awake since 2am :) damn foxes wailing at each other, you gotta love the mating season!   Although it should be almost over, someone needs to inform them it's December-March! 

Anyway, I have a bad stomach and the pain of that got me out of bed, I've had me a mug of tea and it's settled thankfully, you've got to love the universe, because there wasn't enough shit in this house when mom was alive, I've been left with my own shit show to deal with, hopefully it won't last long, I don't think it's something I've eaten, I think it's more likely hormonal. I'll stop there, you don't need to know do you really. 

Another day of getting stuff done, I did 2 huge kitchen drawers and 2 food cupboards, all sorted and organised.  Still some stuff on the side for me to decide where to put it, if not in the charity bag, I'm tempted to put the kitchen utensils in a box and if I don't fetch them out in the next few months, get rid.  Some things you use just not often though, having said that I don't need two garlic crushers do I.  I've done me a medicine / first aid box and a tool kit so I always know where there's a screwdriver when I need one, candles, matches and a lighter in case of a power cut (mom taught me to always know where it was! She just liked to play fire with the matches up the garden).

I had this pizza for my lunch my mate bought it for me as part of a food parcel and it was delicious and really filling, from Aldi, definitely one I'd buy again, as good as any pizza from M&S or Sainsburys.  It easily serves two I was just being a greedy bitch but even I saved a slice for later.  I managed a salad for tea, it was one of those not that healthy salads with full fat cheese, coleslaw and hummus - bloody lush.

It's been the longest week, housework - you feel like you've been at it for ages and when you look it's only been half hour!  I can't wait to get it all sorted and decluttered so I just have to keep on top of it them.  It's been four years since I last decluttered but that time I didn't 'organise' myself, I just got rid of stuff.  Spooky, I'm just looking through my memories on Facebook and 4 years ago today, I sorted the kitchen drawers!  They were in the old kitchen and not as deep, and mine look better now, more organised.  Oh my, what is going on, not only am I'm comparing drawers, I'm enjoying doing it - I'm officially middle aged and dull!  

Had my third bath of the week too, it's so nice to do what I want when I want, it's still very strange, settled down early to watch telly, about 4ish, so I managed to stay up till about 7ish I think, I'd started to fall asleep in chair again.  It's been a bloody strange year hasn't it, how many people have not only lost loved ones but been unable to have visitors so had to grieve alone!  I know (well I bloody hope) if it wasn't for this covid crap, my house would be constantly full of people coming and going to make sure I was okay and I'd be wishing they'd bugga off and leave me alone but instead they can't, I get the odd message or knock at the door as they bring me a card but otherwise it's just me and Alfie.  How many people have been in this same position and been more upset than me because it was sudden and unlike my mom they're loved one wasn't in a living hell so it's a relief.  I can't even begin to imagine! 

I got my cd's out yesterday and the old record/cd play mom and I bought on one of our lovely drives one day and had a good sing song yesterday.  I know Alexa is great and she'll play you anything you want but there's something about playing a cd from beginning to end and for Alexa to do that, I think she charges £14.99 a month for a family or £7.99 for an individual!  Plus I found cd's I'd have never have remembered, need to find somewhere to store them all as I'm not chucking them.  

Hoping for a walk with my brother this morning as long as it's not raining, we won't be going miles though, my backs still playing up and my soles of my feet hurt, then there's my knee - falling apart I am but I have been for a long time now so I'm not going to instantly get better.  I used to have a weekly massage let's not forget and I've not had one for over a year.  I won't be able to afford weekly ones but I will definitely be having one or two here and there when we're able. 

Alfie didn't walk far yesterday again, I'm not sure if it's because he's tired or that he doesn't want to be far from home in case mom comes home, he was clipped yesterday too which does wear him out to be fair, treated him to a couple of new toys and treats to distract him.  He looks tiny when he's clipped, he's curled up on his cushion now, he's only just got up bless him. 

I need to eat eggs today for breakfast, I have lots of eggs need eating, I'll hard boil some too, Alfie likes an egg yolk, that's us sorted.  Well I'm getting boring now, I mean we already did the exciting paragraph about the drawers, it was all gonna go downhill from there wasn't it! 

Here's to a chill out Sunday, I might or I might not do another couple of drawers in the kitchen, we shall see, be nice to get downstairs finished though, there's under the stairs too, but that's actually not too bad.

Whatever you're up to, enjoy. 

Luv ya 

Love me xx

 

 

Here's to a quiet weekend

Saturday 27th March 2021

Let every sunrise bring you hope and the sunset bring you peace. 

 

Another 3am start to my day, but I was in bed by seven so that's a good 8 hours, only woke a couple of times.  Bless Alfie, he decided half hour before me that he was ready for bed and went up of his own accord, he's a little out of sorts as to be expected but my mate who's a dog expert has given me some tips so it's all about me and Alfie for the foreseeable, I'll nip over the pet shop today and buy him a couple of new toys to distract him. 

House update, I now have a super tidy, clean wet room, the cupboard (old larder) coming off it is also organised with my towels and washing basket in it and I'm gonna use it for my clothes from night before, because I know I mostly take my clothes off downstairs and put my pj's on so they'll live in there too.   Alfie's bed from under the stairs has also been de-biscuited and washed, oh they things I found!  Today I'm contemplating tackling that drawer - you know the one in the kitchen, we all have them but mine is about 4ft wide, 2ft deep and 1ft high, it's gonna take some time!  I'll spend the whole weekend sorting, organising and cleaning my kitchen I reckon, it can't be rushed my mood and my back won't let it. 

The mail plopped through the door yesterday morning, there was a crossword book for mom, her death certificates which cost £11 each and apparently most people have 3 lol, and a letter from the DWP saying sorry your moms dead, she's not owed anything but if she owes up owt, we'll be taking it back! Yeah, I know, thankfully there was also a couple of nice cards from lovely people sending their wishes to balance the bullshit out. 

I have some lovely flowers too, Elle bought me a gorgeous bouquet of pink flowers, plus they're already in water and arranged which I likes cos I'm bloody rubbish at doing that and I've almost run out of vases, although tidying up I've found another. 

I was able to sort moms funeral now I have the death certificate, he called me back whilst I was out with Alfie, and we stood on the green by the shops arranging it, how surreal, gone are the days where you have to be in the same room, I remember going to Jennings with mom to sort dads and it was solemn and all about the money.  Michael from Petersons Funerals 01543 820387 Cheap Cremation | DIGNIFIED DIRECT CREMATIONS | England (inexpensivecremations.co.uk) has been amazing, kept it as uncomplicated as possible, answered any questions I've had and when it was all sorted, he said have you any questions which I had a couple because I'm going to prepay for mine and my sisters funeral so it's done and no one needs to do any of this for us then. It was me who finally said, 'and of course you'll need paying!', I was impressed that this wasn't the main issue as dads was, when we originally rang to ask for a price he said £1k all in and he meant it, there are no hidden extras like there are with some, to pre pay for one it's more because that covers insurance and admin to guarantee you get a funeral whatever happens to the company you prepaid with.   I hope you don't feel it's morbid talking about these things because it isn't, I had a couple of lovely messages yesterday thanking me for bringing this conversation into their homes as it was what their parents would like but they didn't know how to broach the subject. 

A knock at my door yesterday and one of my favourite people (I know you shouldn't have them when you know so many wonderful people but she's a wine sister so what can I say) was stood there with my tea in a carrier bag, frozen chips, steak and a chocolate pudding thing, she said 'you can't eat flowers' and she's right, love a bit of logic, so it's the pizza for dinner today instead, it's got till the 30th on it. 

Oh Elle and I went to view a venue yesterday for our new enterprise and the gentlemen who showed us gave us some suggestions and ideas, definitely food for thought, so we shall see what comes from that, we're still waiting to be allowed out to play together anyway aren't we, looking like May before we can all be in a room together but it'll be worth waiting for for sure. 

As you can see, my life is uncomplicated right now some might say dull and I bloody love it that way, when I was chatting to me Julie on the phone yesterday she asked what my plans were and I don't have any, I've no desire to rush out and do things and go places, I want to stay here and make my home and garden my own, make it a place I was to spend time in and have friends round.  Adventures can wait for now, more walking though for sure, but my body needs building up to that too! 

Right I need another cuppa and the toilet (too much info I know but it's my bowels that are waking me up at 3am, even they're out of sync fgs!), on that note, happy Saturday :)

And if you want to reminisce

Luv ya 

Love me 

"Hope you're okay?"

Friday 26th March 2021

Just because someone carries it well, doesn't mean it isn't heavy.

At least, I slept all night, well I feel asleep in my chair, woke up went to bed, woke up just before midnight and was amazed it wasn't morning, so shut my eyes and told myself to go back to bloody sleep!  Then I woke up around 3 and thought, no I don't want to get up yet, it's not normal to get up at 3am, so I played a 'get back to sleep' thing on my Balance meditation app and it must have worked, she had me counting down from 100 to zero, I remember getting to 20 something, then I woke and it was about half 4 YAY!  

It was pointed out to me that the clocks go forward this weekend, that will help my body clock, at least 3am in the morning will become 4am and going to bed at 7 will be going to bed at 8 hopefully!

How am I doing? I'm having messages saying 'hope you're okay', so am I?  What is okay?  What does it mean to be okay?  I guess it means different things to different people, I think I'm okay though!  I'm unapologetically happy at various times of the day, I'm singing when I'm walking the dog or doing things around the house.  I randomly start crying when I read a poignant message or hear a song on the radio or just have a particular thought and if that's whilst I'm driving, walking the dog or standing in the queue in a shop, then I'll cry and be unapologetic about showing my feelings when it suits me even if it makes other people uncomfortable.  For now, I am my number one priority and I will put myself first whilst I grieve in my own way together with my sister and my brothers.  

Lots of people haven't heard of a direct to crematorium funeral, they've been around a long time but I guess people aren't used to them or feel that you're not giving the person 'a good send off', well we don't need to do it the way others do, I don't want loads of people standing in the street watching the hearse drive off, chatting to each other and me wondering what they're saying, I don't want to have to sit in a crematorium crying watching her disapear through a curtain and neither does my sister.  I want to sit alone and say goodbye and then I'll do it again with my sister, hell what am I talking about I've already said goodbye, I don't need to 'say goodbye' to have that final thing, I've bloody had it, I watched her breathe her last breath and it wasn't pretty I won't lie.  See the tears are here again, but only lightly and short lived this time, my gutteral long sobs were done whilst she was alive, that was the worst kind of crying, when I was alone and never knew when my moms hell was going to end, the kind of crying you feel burning your throat, when you feel like you can't breathe, where you gasp for air and have to hold your breath to stop because you realise that the person you loved the most in the whole word has already gone but they're still breathing and I'd wonder how long her living hell could continue.  I also sobbed and heaved as I left the hospital as it was horrid those final hours and now it was over,  I'm under no illussion those ferocious tears might pop their head up again at some point in the future but not for now, for now I have the odd moment where my eyes fill with tears and a few tears fall down my cheeks, that's just my heart speaking because I'm all out of words.   

Anyway enough of that sadness, but do check out direct to crem funerals if you're not a fan of regular ones or if money is an issue, they're a hell of a lot cheaper, that isn't obviously the reason we're doing it, but it does contribute to the decision. 

Back to the now, it's been a long week, I feel like mom's been gone for ages and it's four days since Anne and I arrived back here and had a cuppa, almost to the hour actually looking at the clock.  Yesterday I just pottered, I'm longing for order and routine in my house, it'll take some doing though because there's so much to sort and clear.  I did the sink unit yesterday, two small cupboards and one drawer, well how many tea towels does one home need?  I filled a carrier bag and have some left to use that I've folded, so many dish clothes which have gone in another carrier and they can both be stored in the shed ready for when I paint.  I've still got stuff on the floor in the kitchen to decide whether to keep or lose and whether to donate or chuck.  See, I'm a bit fickle and have a short attention span, so I'm easily distracted which is why I also did the same with what was the larder off my wet room, I started emptying that too, so guess what the floor in the wet room looks like at the minute, yep the same as the kitchen floor.  Two assault courses for dog and human, it's keeping us on our toes - literally!

I'm going to store my towels in the larder, this is what I need someone to tell me, 'Bev, this is where you put this, and this is where you put that' throughout my house.  I have a feeling my mate who's gonna help me sort will be that person, she'll also give me ideas of what to do with my house, her house is amazing, check out her instagram page, hold on I'll go get it, Instagram when I grow up I want a house like that, minus the husband and baby, although he's a cracking bloke and that baby, oh you could really munch him, he's a little heart breaker for sure. 

Now knowing I'm fickle, I no longer trust myself with certain decisions and purchases, I have been known to spend a lot of money and not like the results.  I want a table and chairs in my living room to eat up and work on with my laptop, which I want to make sure I'm going to actually use, I'm sure I will as I loved sitting up my desk in my office.  To make sure, I went about bought two dining chairs for a tenner from marketplace yesterday and I've put together the table I had stored in the shed.  It's bigger than the size I want but it'll give me a good idea of whether it'll be worth investing and also time to find the perfect one I want.  The ones I really like are over £1k and that's just silly, so I'm looking for something more realistic, I'm actually thinking of making my own because I like the hairpin legs and you can buy them on Amazon, I only need a table top to put on the top, I want a round one about 65-75cm, and because I've only got little legs I want it slightly lower that this one, it's a bit high!  If I make my own I can do that, have a Bev height table!  I want something like this with the padded bench (ain't that bench just gorgeous) and two chairs and a round table, but metal legs and natural wood table top.  

What else did I do yesterday, well Alfie had I had three walks, although the last one was just around the block, he wasn't impressed and barked and jumped up me all the way round, I'd took him to try and calm him down, he had a strange day yesterday, I'm guessing it's because of mom, I've even moved her cupboard out of the living room because he keeps standing by it and whining and crying because he knows she kept biscuits in there, so it's gone in the summerhouse for now. 

Elle came to see me, bought me some beautiful flowers and we went for a walk to talk about our plans, we're more flexible now I don't have mom to worry about, exciting times ahead, can't wait to get out and see people!

I did cook yesterday, Alfie and I had chicken thighs and butternut squash, I had salad with mine too, he was happy too, he likes to eat the same as me and you know what, that meal was cheaper than some dog foods!  

I also had a message from a lovely lady who reads my blog and she sent me images of the first blog of mine that she ever read back in 2013 (it's been going a lot longer), well I've found it and here's the link if you want a read Bevs World: If you've ever felt fat, frustrated & disappointed with yourself, read on.... (wwbevsworld.blogspot.com)  It makes for a good read if I do say so myself, especially if like the title suggests you're feeling fat, frustrated and disapointed with yourself.  

I thankfully don't feel any of those things right now, yeah I'm heavier than I have been and that I'd like to be but I reckon as I start to rebuild my life and get more active, that will change, remember you don't have to burn a thousand calories, you just have to move and it will make a difference. 

Today, I will..... oh I don't know, the only definates are I will clear the bloody floors in those two rooms so we can move about, Alfie and I will have a couple of walks and I'm thinking pizza for tea as it's Friday and a lovely lady bought it for me.  I hope to have my doing head on as there's lots I want to get sorted but if I don't I'm sure there's something I can find on the tele to watch.  I've not been bored with my own company yet, thankfully I've always liked spending time on my own so I don't think I will be, although I'm looking forward to a walk with my brother on Sunday, just to decide where to walk, is that 5 mile from home thing still in place? 

Right, have a lovely Friday folks, I plan to because that's what mom would want.  

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

My body clock is bosted :)

Thursday 25th March 2021 

Make time to do nothing every day!

I've been awake since 2, I did go to bed before 7 though so it's all good, I've also sat in my chair playing on the internet since I finally decided I wasn't going to get back to sleep, so at least I'm still resting.  I'm looking for ideas for my living room, as it's now hospital bed free and I've put the disability stuff in the alley way until it's collected.  I've bought in the two armchairs from the summerhouse so when I can have people in my house, they have somewhere to sit.  Alfie has claimed on of them as his own and he's soundly sleeping beside me, every now and again I do something and make a noise and he lifts his head and gives me a look of disgust! 

I drove to take some stuff to a lady yesterday and when I got back and opened the front door, he ran out, straight past me to the car and ran all round it - he was looking for mom 💜 it'll take him time too won't it.  He did a bit of wandering in the garden where he just stands and stares confused, but he did have a play on the afternoon with his frog though so he's gonna be okay.  We both are. 

It's still feeling strange just spontaneously getting in my car to go for a drive to walk the dog round somewhere different without having to sort and plan it first.  Just being able to answer the phone or make a call for a chat without knowing it would cause mood swings and issues. 

I had some lovely glasses sent as a gift from a special lady and so I started early on the wine, hence the early night.  I woke up this morning reminded of why I don't have candles in the house, because I'd left the smelly one burning on the mantel piece, I stick with my wax warmers from now on, they're much safer and I have loads of waxes to melt. 

I filled every bin in the street yesterday morning with all the crap that I wanted rid off, I bet there was 20 bin bags full.  If I do that every other week when the bin men come, i won't need the trips to the tip never mind a skip lol.  I'll have to cut up the carpet when I pull it up, that'll fill some bags!  A few hours here and there is enough to stop me getting bored (I actually don't think I'll ever be bored again) and gives me lots of time to relax and restore myself. 

I love that image at the top of the blog, because we really do all need to rest more, whether it be something soulful like the image suggests or just having some time out to binge watch a box set, watch a movie, have a nap in the afternoon, anything to remind yourself we're human beings not human doings - we don't have to be on the go all the time. 

I've got so much in the house I want to do but I need to pace myself, I'm such a bull at a gate, I bloody hate decorating too so that's another reason I won't rush myself.  I'll start with the living room whilst I decide and mull over what do do with moms room and my office, it's take me forever to sort the crap in my office out.  What I do know is I want lots of storage for all my wool and stuff but I want it so it's not visible.

I'm thankful for this chair I've bought in as it's doing my back the world of good, cos you have to sit up in it, no slouching possible, I am still able to cross my legs like a little buddha and sit with my laptop on them though - well if it's a good enough pose for meditation! 

Ooo food, I nearly forgot, if you haven't tried these yet, you must;

So nice, from Aldi, a gift from an old friend. 

I've finally been asked when out with Alfie how my mom is and it wasn't as difficult telling them my news as I thought it might be, so many stopped asking me as when they did I just used to reply 'shit' so it was sort of a conversation killer!

What shall I do today, I'm going to sort the cupboards under and to the side of the sink, possible the airing cupboard in moms room (I might start calling it the spare room now her things have all gone from there, or I could be posh and say the guest room) and if I've got any inclination left after that, I want to do the upstairs bathroom. There's always tomorrow if I get to the point I've had enough, Alfie and I have two good walks a day to have oh and I have Elle coming for a chat (all socially distanced and lockdown rules being adhered to of course).

Small things or comments trigger my tears, but they are healthy cleansing tears that remind me how amazing my mom was and that these last few years weren't the mom I remember, the mom I remember was full on lovely and funny and random, we laughed constantly and had so much banter between us, a bond no one could break, not even the demon that was dementia even though it tried. 

I need some breakfast, I'll hungry this morning, my belly is rumbling, another cuppa would be good too. 

Here's to another stress free day xx 

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me 

Surrounded by lovely people I am

Wednesday 24th March 2021

Laughter and friendship willcure just about anything. 

Well I've managed 6 hours sleep, it'll take time for my body clock to reset for sure, it's got used to not getting much sleep at all hasn't it.  I've been awake since 2am, Alfie's snoring on the landing, I'm sitting up in bed cos it's warm in here and cold out there!  

So how did day 2 go in a mom free world?  It's bizarre, I've realised I've forgotten how to be a free spirited adult who can come and go as their please and do what the want (with Covid guidelines of course!)  When people knock the door, I'm so used to going and standing on the door step and trying to be as quick as possible so as not to upset mom that I'm still doing it! 

A few things that I realised I could do again yesterday whenever I wanted because mom wouldn't react included;

- being able to leave the back door open so Alfie could come and go if he fancied.

- Being able to hang the washing out and potter up the garden.

- Have Alexa play music in every room.

- Nip to the shop.

- Meet my bestie for a walk with the dogs. 

- Not sit round all day watching tele.

I spent the day mostly in moms bedroom, I've bagged up all her clothes and put them in one of those clothes banks (I needed them gone).  I've cleared the cupboard by the side of her bed (that filled a wheelie bin!), some of the little notes I found in her drawes made me cry, she'd written them since the dementia and they show how she was trapped in her thoughts and had forgotten that this was her house. 

I had card and gifts delivered all day, it was so lovely to know people are thinking of me and how they can help at this time, I was truly moved and could feel all the love. 

I had a call from moms dementia nurse sending her condolences which I thought was a lovely thing to do, then I had a call from the death certificate registering people.  Well, listen to this!  She called me when I knew Vicky was on her way to me for us to walk the dogs, but as she said it would only take ten minutes I was great, let's do this.  Half way through as V rocks up, the lady on the phone states, "Oh it's the 2 minute silence starting, can we stop and do it!" Well, don't get me wrong I'm all for the silence but don't make a call if you know you're gonna have to make them stop for 2 minutes in what's one of the horriblest tasks a person has to do, register their moms death!  Then she asks me how many copies of the death certificate would I like to purchase, erm I don't know, so I said what will I need them for, she reels off a list.  I say mom hasn't got any money in her bank so that's not an issue, I guess I'll have 2, then she tries to upsell me and says, "most people have 3", well them I'll have 3 won't I, £33 and 12 minutes later, I finally ended that call! 

I've also found a home for moms armchair, so that went yesterday too, just waiting for all the disabled stuff to be collected now and I'll have my living room back! 

Last night once they'd fetched the chair and I'd finished doing stuff because my back was breaking and everything was aching, I made me some dinner, ate it in the kitchen up the table, then went and sat in front of the tv to watch Blue Bloods, I suddenly smiled to myself as I realised I'd put the heating on 18 degrees as opposed to 25+ and it was cosy not sweltering and the tele was on volume 38 not 75+ so my ears weren't bleeding for a change.  It's these little things that have made life more difficult over the last few years, menpausal women do not need temperatures that high EVER!  The living room door was also open, I don't like closed doors much and mom had become obsessed with shutting it. 

I'm gonna get up and make a cuppa I think, put the heating on or maybe just a wooly, it's bloody cold lol.  Today I'll carry on in moms room, I did so much yesterday because I wanted to fill the bins ready for collection today. I'll box those diaries today and continue sorting stuff. 

I've not ventured into her handbag yet!  That can wait a little longer. I feel like I'm handling this grief thing quite well, I cry when something triggers me, I'll get a really thoughtful message or I'll find something of moms that's upsetting and I cry, but then I stop and I'm back to relieved.  I think it's helping that I've been grieving the loss of my mom for years now, watching the videos that pop up in my memories from 4 or more years ago is my mom, we laughed all the bloody time, we didn't do much of that this last year in this house.  

Don't get me wrong though, I'm under no illussion that it'll take a long time before I don't think about her all the time, I'll deal with it all and take it one day at a time.  Alfie wasn't impressed that I nipped out yesterday for half hour, he was barking like crazy when I got back and upstairs weirdly, when he'd usually be by the door.  He'll take some adjusting himself, it's got to be strange for him too hasn't it, I'm still not free to just come and go because of him, but I'm okay with that, he's my boy and I'll take him with me whenever possible, he'll never be left all day that's for sure. 

I love that people have been checking in on me and asking if I'm eating - seriously, don't ever worry about if I'm eating, I've never had a situation in my 51 years that's made me lose my appetite - I'll never starve. 

On that note, here's to a good day, one day at a time, oh hold on, as we're not having a funeral and they'll be no need to buy something black to wear, or send flowers etc, I'm asking people to make a donation to AFOT, mom loved that I was raising money for this charity and that she was having a couple of kennels named after Lucy and Casey her dogs which I'd paid for and that she was getting a Lemon Grove for the rescued dogs to relax and recover named after her which people who liked her were contributing too. If you'd like to donate a quid or two in her memory, it will help to rescue even more than we already have, she always loved dogs more than humans lol!

Donate (paypal.com) or If you prefer you can also make payments directly into the Animal Friends of Turkey (AFOT) bank account, the details are Sort code: 30-90-89 Account number 37878068.  https://rehome-a-rescue-dog.co.uk/

There's also a donate button on my Facebook page, it doesn't have to be a lot a quid or two, but if you can't afford it because of everything that Covid has caused this last year, that's okay too.  

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

  

The next chapter

Tuesday 23rd March 2021 

Become aware of what's really worth your energy.

Day 1 of life without mom.  I didn't fall asleep last night - I died!  Literally one minute I was texting my bestie around half seven and the next thing it was 2.30am, she was on her way to my house so I hope she forgives me for not answering the door, she should've called me I'd of woken I'm sure but I'm not gonna lie, I'm glad she didn't as me and Alfie have really slept.  I woke up with the light on in my room and my glasses on though, fully clothed lying on my bed, what am I like. 

Yesterday as you can expect was a strange but busy day although Alfie and I had two lovely walks, he's very calm actually, this last couple of years has been stressful for him too, now for him to not be tormented by mom calling him to her and throwing biscuits at him, poor bugga used to hide them in his bed under the stairs then every now and again, I'd empty it out either into the bin or put out for the foxes. 

I'm officially without any guaranteed income!  After calling the DWP and telling them mom had died all her benefits will obviously stop with immediate effect and that's what we've been living on since I left WW in December and my council tax has risen by £55 a month because if you have alzheimers you get discount on it (I'll still get 25% single person discount).  I better get some UW customers pretty damn sharpish hadn't I, so if you're up for an appointment let me know, we can either do it over the phone or you can come sit in my lovely garden (which needs a sort to be fair it's not that lovely right now) or I can come to you.  

We arranged the cremation, we are having direct to crematorium which basically means there will be no service, she will still be treated with the same respect as someone having a regular service Cheap Cremation | DIGNIFIED DIRECT CREMATIONS | England (inexpensivecremations.co.uk) It's a local business too so sticking with my values of helping small local businesses.  They can't do anything without the death certificate so that'll be today or tomorrow.  I spoke to the doctor who was doing that too yesterday, he was going to put pneumonia as 1a and advanced dementia as 1b causes which I'm glad of because people don't seem to realise that dementia doesn't just SUCK it KILLS!  Then he told me 2a and b but I can't remember that, it was vascular something, the brain basically which is what helped cause the Alzheimers and Vascular Dementia - remember healthy living can help stop you and your loved ones ending up with these cruel diseases.

I was overwhelmed by all the comments on my facebook/instagram post telling people mom had died, so much love, so many messages, I've tried to reply to them all but if I've not liked your comment or not answered your message, know that I'm truly grateful for all the love, over 1,000 comments - wow, she really was a legend, she'd have loved that, she really would. Ah the tears are bordering again lol, I cried walking the dog yesterday, people really must think I'm the saddest bitch on Ashmore when they see me walking the dog, but it's cleansing my soul I need to let the tears out so more of the love can come back in.

My friends are amazing, I got to see one yesterday I haven't seen for a long time, she wasn't going to knock - erm knock, hell yeah I can finally start seeing my friends again albeit outside, not much longer though hopefully. I can't wait to have a houseful of laughter, I want a table with chairs round so we can enjoy a meal together, I've never had friends over for a night in before in this house in the 26 years I've lived here!  I'm not saying I'll be having 'dinner' parties and if I do, I'll probably have Marlie's menu cater it.  

Anne and I sat together for a few hours, sorted the few bits we could like funeral and benefits, she doesn't have any secret stash and thousands in the bank so there's nothing to sort there.  Thankfully the funeral costs are being kept down by not having the service.  We ate maccy d's, getting back to healthy will have to wait a little longer although I've woke up with a dry, sore throat this morning so I'm praying it's just how I've slept and I'm not coming down with something cos that would be crap.

Yeah, yesterday just went by in a bit of a blur, my mate Katie who knows me well told me not to rush into doing stuff, she knows me well and did an impression of what she knew I'd be doing with the house and she's threatened me not to start yet, to take a few days to take stock and relax, then next week I can start 'slowly'.  Love how my mates know me better than I know myself sometimes because their memories are better than mine.  Yes the dementia has left the building (I keep going to say 'for now' but NO I'm not getting that cruel disease myself but if I do, I'll just drink myself to death before it consumes me) but the menopausal bad memory is still here, hell my memory has never been great, it's because I have a crap attention span, I'm so easy distracted. 

I'll just take today as it comes, I'd love to say, right I'm going to this that and the other, but I don't know if I am.  I've put a load of washing in, I'll put another one in when this ends.  I'm going to sort a few things out and fill my bin (and next doors cos it's empty), might as well make use of the space.  I've got moms drugs to get rid of, I hate waste, I bet if I take them to the chemist, they'll only get thrown away, they should be reused or sent to a country that needs them.  Skips are almost £200 so my brother told me to bag stuff up and have trips to the tip, ah I've just remembered I was on the phone to Terry in Corfu for 3 hours and 20 minutes  whilst consuming wine, no wonder I passed out after that! 

This house wasn't full of sadness yesterday at all, there was so much laughter and conversation whether over the phone or in person, there hasn't been that much joy in this house for so long, it was lovely.  The lonliness has left the building too because yes there was two of us living here but well one wasn't exactly alive was she and I was hardly living, I was existing.  

I've just eaten the croissant from my breakfast box at the weekend, no wasting food here anymore I'm officially poor lol.  Joking aside though, I need to change the way I shop don't I, I can go to Aldi easily now, I don't have to have a Sainsbury's delivery every week (paid for an annual delivery pass too - boo) some of their stuff is still cheaper than aldi though you know, my UHT skimmed is 5p a carton cheaper and ma'an did we used to go through some of that with the amount of drinks mom had but left and they'd get thrown away.  Oh think of all the money I'll save on rennies and pombears!  Things that are now banned from my house going forward;

• Pears 
• PomBears, skips, quavers, wotsits
• Biscuits 
• Tins that are kept to keep random things in that have no use to anyone at all
• Tipping Point 
• Any CSI, Law & Order style programmes on repeat - new series will be allowed - can you tell I've thought about this! 
• Puzzle books!  There are so many upstairs, some half done, some completed and prob some empty.

There will probably be other things but they're the obvious ;) I'm going to box up her diaries today, I won't be throwing them away just putting them somewhere safe.   They're mostly boring, she just used to write what she'd done that day, I know they slag me off at times too - that's okay she stopped writing them a long time ago now.  I will read them though as they'll spark memories for me of thins we both did together, but not yet. 

I feel like I need a new morning routine!  I usually wake up as silly o'clock (that won't change I doubt), then sit quietly by the side of mom for as long as I could until she woke and I'd have crap breakfast tv on in the background.  I've got music on this morning, not played music in the house for so long, it's lovely, it's not the radio either, Alexa has found me some tunes, i just can't remember what I asked her to play yesterday, it was feel good songs or something like that, you watch I'll never find this station again. And now the silly cow has changed the station because I asked her what station she was playing me - doh!  I don't really know how to use Alexa to be honest. 

Yay it was 80s pop, I just asked her to go back to the previous station but she said here is a recent station you listened to so many this was it, but I thought i asked for Happy songs but thinking about it that was upstairs Alexa I asked to do that yesterday.  

Anyway moving on, I'm waffling ain't I, time to get on with my day, it's 5am now, I'm going to have lots of empty hours aren't I, time to work out how to fill them, but I need to do some resting, let's not forget I was the kind of tired sleep couldn't cure this time last week.  My body hurts too, my hands, feet, back and legs are full of pain, hopefully as I get my fitness levels and good health back those aches and pains will ease.  

I'm off, mwah luv ya 

Love me xx

No Regrets - goodnight mom x

Monday 22nd March 2021 
All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my mom

Some of the best fun we had was at the seaside and this was the very last time we stood on the sand together, a much better memory that the one my sister and I experienced this morning. 

If you haven't already read, mom died at 4.30am from pneumonia, fuck dementia, we made sure she ate herself to death and that's really what took her in the end although the demon that is dementia made for a hell of a decade.

I knew Saturday afternoon she was on her way out, I just suddenly started crying for no real reason and it consumed me, I then watched her sleep in her chair whilst having difficulty with her breathing for the rest of the day and through the night. I sat in my chair from 1am watching her and then holding her hand and stroking her hair as she seemed to be in and out of sleep/consciousness.  Saturday night she'd struggled to take her medication and I knew she wasn't right but has she'd had the rapid response team out on the Friday, I wasn't overly concerned, I put it down to the dementia and the problems with her hernias and esophagus I already knew about.  Sunday morning though when she still hadn't roused all night, we hadn't had her one man band routine nor talking to people who weren't there, I knew this was almost the end.  Now as much as I wanted her to not have to go to hospital, I also didn't want her suffering; not gonna lie part of the reason I didn't want her to go to hospital was in case they prolonged her life any longer than necessary but also she doesn't like them.  She was out of it though and I asked Anne to come round because I couldn't get her up to use the toilet.  We both agreed to call 111 as her left arm was all floppy too so we did consider she may have had a stroke for a moment.  Anyway, they sent an ambulance and the two paramedics did their checks and agreed it was best to take her in.  The lady one asked me if mom had an 'end of life' care plan in place, I said nope but she is DNR and as they were going she did tell me that she thought that would be what they would possibly do, take her off all her meds and just make her comfortable.

Mom was incoherant now and I was trying to tell her it was okay for her to die by saying, 'mom why don't you go visit grandad', and she opened her eyes, completely lucid for that brief moment and said, 'because he's fucking dead!'.  Then she closed them again!

I was told to call the hospital in a couple of hours but someone called me before then to tell me that she had pnuemonia she wasn't responding to the oxygen or antibiotics and in a roundabout kind of way they were trying to prepare me, but I interrupted them and said will you just let her die please.  

They eventually got her onto a side ward on AMU and told me that if she deteriorated they would call me and we could go and see her before she passed away.  That call came last night at half ten, so Anne and I drove to sit with her.  5 long hours, you don't need to hear the next bit, I will tell you she did manage to reply 'luv u' to us when we said it to her, it wasn't easy for her to say but she managed it.  

I'd like to say they were the toughest 5 hours of my life but I'd be lying, there have been some really, really tough hours over the last decade thanks to dementia, especially the last year or so oh and the last month, well it's been hell.  

As we left the hospital I heaved and heaved but wasn't sick, we have a lot of crying still to do, I've already done plenty, but I'm positive, both mom and I are dementia free now and the next chapter of my life can start.   Anne and I have laughed the last 24 hours too, it's not been all tears, we made memories together right until she took her last but one breathe.

I can honestly say, we kept our promise to her, Anne and I were the only ones who wiped her ass, erm I win though as I put my finger up it, Anne didn't lol.  We vowed she wouldn't go into a care home and we were able to keep that promise.  I don't judge anyone who chooses a different path, we had our reasons and it wasn't bloody easy, I've put my life on hold. 

So, what next?  Well this morning I've had a bath and a long walk with Alfie, without having to worry about getting back to mom, I'm going to make calls to get all this disabled crap out of my house, I have a very expensive recliner chair if anyone can make use of it for someone in a similar situation as mom.

We're not religious so are considering a direct to crem funeral especially with all the covid crap at the moment, plus my one brother is in another country and the other one has cancer.  

Can I just say, don't be sad, be relieved for both of us, be positive for my future and happy in the knowledge she had a brilliant time from the day dad died till the day dementia took over, we travelled the world together, spent every Christmas in wales or somewhere, yeah we had a ball, so many memories.  

Make the most of every moment, I plan too.  I loved her and I'll miss her but I'm going to make up for lost time and have a bloody ball, but first I'll sleep!

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx

 

Food makes me happy!

Sunday 21st March 2021

Life is too short to not love who you are.

I've been awake since 1am, moms asleep but I've not been able to get back to sleep after waking so I'm sat watching the Voice final waiting to eat my breakfast ;) I sat and cried yesterday afternoon, moms spirit has gone, she was completely out of it, at one point she said "Will you take me back to my cell?"  I don't know what she was dreaming but  I think that just sums up dementia right there.  Dementia has won!  She's still breathing and existing but my mom has left that body. I was crying because I know she wouldn't want this existence, I stopped crying but she's not coming back, it's just wrong that such an amazing lady gets to end her life in this way - it sucks! I just hope she doesn't have to suffer for too long.

My delivery from League of Delights | Facebook cheered me up though, life has to go on, I can't sit around crying all day long.  Look at this plate of food, it's a thing of beauty; 

It was just deliciousness and there's loads left, so that's later today sorted!

But first I have the breakfast box to look forward too; 

How lucky am I!  I've decided today is 'I'm not a mother's day',  Yesterday was International Happiness day and you've got to keep looking for the happy in life.  Food is a major part of my happy, I love the stuff and this weeks challenge is going to be eating more foods, trying different foods rather than quantity :) geting the variety back in my diet.  I'm looking forward to it, I think I might even be ready to get back to calorie counting from tomorrow, I feel better just eating healthier this week, so if I can lose a bit of weight at the same time, happy days.  We shall see, lifes not easy at the moment is it, I'll give myself a break and do the best I can.

I'm off to make a cuppa, here's to making it through the day xx

Mwah, luv ya 

Love me xx