You can get excited about the future, the past won't mind!
We ate reasonably healthy yesterday, Mango, apple, Greek Yogurt and honey for breakfast and a second dinner using the leftovers but I wasn't that hungry by then because I'd eaten mashed potato sandwiches with the leftover gravy, delicious but not so healthy I guess :) I love lashings of gravy on my dinner, thankfully only two of the three of us do, I sit in shock at how little gravy he puts on his dinner, the man child however is like me and likes plenty. Speaking of the man child, I smile every morning when I get up and check in the fridge or on the side to see what he's picnic'd on in the night, last night he's eaten the rest of the cheesecake and chicken wings, growing boy. We go to bed way earlier than him, he's playing his games and then doesn't wake till lunchtime - that'll all be changing in the new year when we're back in England, I need to get him into a school asap and then he'll be getting his backside out of bed much earlier.
I went for a long walk yesterday, an hour and a half I was out, I managed to get Vicky on the phone for a long natter, but anyone who called went straight to voicemail and my phone didn't tell me they'd called - oops! After calling me three times, they thought I'd got lost or run off '-). I just needed fresh air and space, I'd be lying if I said the two weeks had been all sweetness and light, that's not real life is it I left the house and messaged my sister first asking 'Are you emotional this week or is it just my hormones?' and I was relieved when she replied, 'No I am on the verge of tears right at this minute'. Turns out we've both been randomly crying for no reason all over Christmas, we agreed that it's a combination of our first Christmas without mom and we've both lost our dogs recently, those are some huge changes. Anne and I had a dreadful December with mom last year and so there's relief in there too, which then makes you think of when she was good and we feel sad that our last Christmas with her wasn't a good one. Oh see, my eyes are starting to water again, but it's all good because you have to process this shit, the poor blokes having to work out what's going on with me in this house are on a giant learning curve but they're handling it pretty damn well to be fair. I mean what do you say to a woman who's crying for no apparent reason and when you ask, 'What's up', she either replies 'nothing' or 'I don't know'. Now I'm laughing because I realise how absurd it is and even when I'm doing it I'm thinking to myself what is wrong with you woman!
After my chat with my sister, Vicky and Lynne I felt 100% again, cheaper than therapy that's for sure and ma'an do I miss them, looking forward to catching up with them when I get back. I'm thinking a get together for my birthday - because I can, I have nothing to stop me this year. Yes I'm going to be in charge of a man child but he's big enough to take care of himself for an hour or so and he won't be sulking like a bitch when I get back home or have fallen off his commode - he doesn't obviously have a one, but this time last year, that's what mom did, after she'd used it too, oh ma'an blah, I remember these things like they were yesterday sometimes.
We've been talking about holidays, I don't actually have anywhere on my to go list anymore, I did them all, well except the tulip fields of Amsterdam and the Northern Lights but the man child hasn't been abroad yet so I asked him where he'd like to go, we've had this conversation a few times now. He doesn't like heat very much, he likes animals and also scenery apparently but only if it's good scenery and doing stuff ;) we tried the closing your eyes and pointing at a map, the first time he landed in the ocean by the Solomon Islands, the second time in the Congo - erm NO we ain't going there!
Then he turns out he quite fancies going to Japan - I mean, what 13 year old lad suggests Japan! I have to say though, having looked at it a little yesterday and done a bit of research, oh my, it's now possibly on my 'to go' list, it's just so damned expensive, but who knows what the future will bring, never say never. For now though my brothers invited us to Corfu which is a good start, plus we have to navigate the old Covid situation too don't we!
Wow, what a difference a year makes, this time last year I was really struggling with mom, unsure about work having been made redundant and if you'd have said there would be a man on the horizon, I'd have laughed at you because that wasn't ever in my head. The first three months of 2021 were horrific, that's the only word I can use to describe them, the second three months were a combination of relief and confusion, a bit of a blur as I tried to come to terms with losing mom and staying focused on our new business. Then we have the third quarter, I started to feel good and enjoy my freedom, loving life again and feeling positive about the future. Then four months ago the door knocked and a face from my past changed the rest of my year and I've smiled ever since (well apart from those crying moments).
I feel really positive about 2022, I know it's not going to be plain sailing and I'm okay with that, whatever gets thrown at me these days I compare to those last 6 months with mom and say, "I handled that, this is gonna be a breeze". I don't worry about the future, I'm living in the now.
I'm going to take my tree down today, keep putting it off but we can't leave it up when we leave here so it needs to come down and I have a feeling we may be a little delicate tomorrow, then we have to pack to come home too. I'm looking forward to coming home, although I have really enjoyed being here too.
There's movement, so I better get gone.
Happy New Year,
Mwah, luv ya
Love me xx
