Become aware of what's really worth your energy.
Day 1 of life without mom. I didn't fall asleep last night - I died! Literally one minute I was texting my bestie around half seven and the next thing it was 2.30am, she was on her way to my house so I hope she forgives me for not answering the door, she should've called me I'd of woken I'm sure but I'm not gonna lie, I'm glad she didn't as me and Alfie have really slept. I woke up with the light on in my room and my glasses on though, fully clothed lying on my bed, what am I like.
Yesterday as you can expect was a strange but busy day although Alfie and I had two lovely walks, he's very calm actually, this last couple of years has been stressful for him too, now for him to not be tormented by mom calling him to her and throwing biscuits at him, poor bugga used to hide them in his bed under the stairs then every now and again, I'd empty it out either into the bin or put out for the foxes.
I'm officially without any guaranteed income! After calling the DWP and telling them mom had died all her benefits will obviously stop with immediate effect and that's what we've been living on since I left WW in December and my council tax has risen by £55 a month because if you have alzheimers you get discount on it (I'll still get 25% single person discount). I better get some UW customers pretty damn sharpish hadn't I, so if you're up for an appointment let me know, we can either do it over the phone or you can come sit in my lovely garden (which needs a sort to be fair it's not that lovely right now) or I can come to you.
We arranged the cremation, we are having direct to crematorium which basically means there will be no service, she will still be treated with the same respect as someone having a regular service Cheap Cremation | DIGNIFIED DIRECT CREMATIONS | England (inexpensivecremations.co.uk) It's a local business too so sticking with my values of helping small local businesses. They can't do anything without the death certificate so that'll be today or tomorrow. I spoke to the doctor who was doing that too yesterday, he was going to put pneumonia as 1a and advanced dementia as 1b causes which I'm glad of because people don't seem to realise that dementia doesn't just SUCK it KILLS! Then he told me 2a and b but I can't remember that, it was vascular something, the brain basically which is what helped cause the Alzheimers and Vascular Dementia - remember healthy living can help stop you and your loved ones ending up with these cruel diseases.
I was overwhelmed by all the comments on my facebook/instagram post telling people mom had died, so much love, so many messages, I've tried to reply to them all but if I've not liked your comment or not answered your message, know that I'm truly grateful for all the love, over 1,000 comments - wow, she really was a legend, she'd have loved that, she really would. Ah the tears are bordering again lol, I cried walking the dog yesterday, people really must think I'm the saddest bitch on Ashmore when they see me walking the dog, but it's cleansing my soul I need to let the tears out so more of the love can come back in.
My friends are amazing, I got to see one yesterday I haven't seen for a long time, she wasn't going to knock - erm knock, hell yeah I can finally start seeing my friends again albeit outside, not much longer though hopefully. I can't wait to have a houseful of laughter, I want a table with chairs round so we can enjoy a meal together, I've never had friends over for a night in before in this house in the 26 years I've lived here! I'm not saying I'll be having 'dinner' parties and if I do, I'll probably have Marlie's menu cater it.
Anne and I sat together for a few hours, sorted the few bits we could like funeral and benefits, she doesn't have any secret stash and thousands in the bank so there's nothing to sort there. Thankfully the funeral costs are being kept down by not having the service. We ate maccy d's, getting back to healthy will have to wait a little longer although I've woke up with a dry, sore throat this morning so I'm praying it's just how I've slept and I'm not coming down with something cos that would be crap.
Yeah, yesterday just went by in a bit of a blur, my mate Katie who knows me well told me not to rush into doing stuff, she knows me well and did an impression of what she knew I'd be doing with the house and she's threatened me not to start yet, to take a few days to take stock and relax, then next week I can start 'slowly'. Love how my mates know me better than I know myself sometimes because their memories are better than mine. Yes the dementia has left the building (I keep going to say 'for now' but NO I'm not getting that cruel disease myself but if I do, I'll just drink myself to death before it consumes me) but the menopausal bad memory is still here, hell my memory has never been great, it's because I have a crap attention span, I'm so easy distracted.
I'll just take today as it comes, I'd love to say, right I'm going to this that and the other, but I don't know if I am. I've put a load of washing in, I'll put another one in when this ends. I'm going to sort a few things out and fill my bin (and next doors cos it's empty), might as well make use of the space. I've got moms drugs to get rid of, I hate waste, I bet if I take them to the chemist, they'll only get thrown away, they should be reused or sent to a country that needs them. Skips are almost £200 so my brother told me to bag stuff up and have trips to the tip, ah I've just remembered I was on the phone to Terry in Corfu for 3 hours and 20 minutes whilst consuming wine, no wonder I passed out after that!
This house wasn't full of sadness yesterday at all, there was so much laughter and conversation whether over the phone or in person, there hasn't been that much joy in this house for so long, it was lovely. The lonliness has left the building too because yes there was two of us living here but well one wasn't exactly alive was she and I was hardly living, I was existing.
I've just eaten the croissant from my breakfast box at the weekend, no wasting food here anymore I'm officially poor lol. Joking aside though, I need to change the way I shop don't I, I can go to Aldi easily now, I don't have to have a Sainsbury's delivery every week (paid for an annual delivery pass too - boo) some of their stuff is still cheaper than aldi though you know, my UHT skimmed is 5p a carton cheaper and ma'an did we used to go through some of that with the amount of drinks mom had but left and they'd get thrown away. Oh think of all the money I'll save on rennies and pombears! Things that are now banned from my house going forward;
- Pears
- PomBears, skips, quavers, wotsits
- Biscuits
- Tins that are kept to keep random things in that have no use to anyone at all
- Tipping Point
- Any CSI, Law & Order style programmes on repeat - new series will be allowed - can you tell I've thought about this!
- Puzzle books! There are so many upstairs, some half done, some completed and prob some empty.
There will probably be other things but they're the obvious ;) I'm going to box up her diaries today, I won't be throwing them away just putting them somewhere safe. They're mostly boring, she just used to write what she'd done that day, I know they slag me off at times too - that's okay she stopped writing them a long time ago now. I will read them though as they'll spark memories for me of thins we both did together, but not yet.
I feel like I need a new morning routine! I usually wake up as silly o'clock (that won't change I doubt), then sit quietly by the side of mom for as long as I could until she woke and I'd have crap breakfast tv on in the background. I've got music on this morning, not played music in the house for so long, it's lovely, it's not the radio either, Alexa has found me some tunes, i just can't remember what I asked her to play yesterday, it was feel good songs or something like that, you watch I'll never find this station again. And now the silly cow has changed the station because I asked her what station she was playing me - doh! I don't really know how to use Alexa to be honest.
Yay it was 80s pop, I just asked her to go back to the previous station but she said here is a recent station you listened to so many this was it, but I thought i asked for Happy songs but thinking about it that was upstairs Alexa I asked to do that yesterday.
Anyway moving on, I'm waffling ain't I, time to get on with my day, it's 5am now, I'm going to have lots of empty hours aren't I, time to work out how to fill them, but I need to do some resting, let's not forget I was the kind of tired sleep couldn't cure this time last week. My body hurts too, my hands, feet, back and legs are full of pain, hopefully as I get my fitness levels and good health back those aches and pains will ease.
I'm off, mwah luv ya
Love me xx
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