Just because someone carries it well, doesn't mean it isn't heavy.
At least, I slept all night, well I feel asleep in my chair, woke up went to bed, woke up just before midnight and was amazed it wasn't morning, so shut my eyes and told myself to go back to bloody sleep! Then I woke up around 3 and thought, no I don't want to get up yet, it's not normal to get up at 3am, so I played a 'get back to sleep' thing on my Balance meditation app and it must have worked, she had me counting down from 100 to zero, I remember getting to 20 something, then I woke and it was about half 4 YAY!
It was pointed out to me that the clocks go forward this weekend, that will help my body clock, at least 3am in the morning will become 4am and going to bed at 7 will be going to bed at 8 hopefully!
How am I doing? I'm having messages saying 'hope you're okay', so am I? What is okay? What does it mean to be okay? I guess it means different things to different people, I think I'm okay though! I'm unapologetically happy at various times of the day, I'm singing when I'm walking the dog or doing things around the house. I randomly start crying when I read a poignant message or hear a song on the radio or just have a particular thought and if that's whilst I'm driving, walking the dog or standing in the queue in a shop, then I'll cry and be unapologetic about showing my feelings when it suits me even if it makes other people uncomfortable. For now, I am my number one priority and I will put myself first whilst I grieve in my own way together with my sister and my brothers.
Lots of people haven't heard of a direct to crematorium funeral, they've been around a long time but I guess people aren't used to them or feel that you're not giving the person 'a good send off', well we don't need to do it the way others do, I don't want loads of people standing in the street watching the hearse drive off, chatting to each other and me wondering what they're saying, I don't want to have to sit in a crematorium crying watching her disapear through a curtain and neither does my sister. I want to sit alone and say goodbye and then I'll do it again with my sister, hell what am I talking about I've already said goodbye, I don't need to 'say goodbye' to have that final thing, I've bloody had it, I watched her breathe her last breath and it wasn't pretty I won't lie. See the tears are here again, but only lightly and short lived this time, my gutteral long sobs were done whilst she was alive, that was the worst kind of crying, when I was alone and never knew when my moms hell was going to end, the kind of crying you feel burning your throat, when you feel like you can't breathe, where you gasp for air and have to hold your breath to stop because you realise that the person you loved the most in the whole word has already gone but they're still breathing and I'd wonder how long her living hell could continue. I also sobbed and heaved as I left the hospital as it was horrid those final hours and now it was over, I'm under no illussion those ferocious tears might pop their head up again at some point in the future but not for now, for now I have the odd moment where my eyes fill with tears and a few tears fall down my cheeks, that's just my heart speaking because I'm all out of words.
Anyway enough of that sadness, but do check out direct to crem funerals if you're not a fan of regular ones or if money is an issue, they're a hell of a lot cheaper, that isn't obviously the reason we're doing it, but it does contribute to the decision.
Back to the now, it's been a long week, I feel like mom's been gone for ages and it's four days since Anne and I arrived back here and had a cuppa, almost to the hour actually looking at the clock. Yesterday I just pottered, I'm longing for order and routine in my house, it'll take some doing though because there's so much to sort and clear. I did the sink unit yesterday, two small cupboards and one drawer, well how many tea towels does one home need? I filled a carrier bag and have some left to use that I've folded, so many dish clothes which have gone in another carrier and they can both be stored in the shed ready for when I paint. I've still got stuff on the floor in the kitchen to decide whether to keep or lose and whether to donate or chuck. See, I'm a bit fickle and have a short attention span, so I'm easily distracted which is why I also did the same with what was the larder off my wet room, I started emptying that too, so guess what the floor in the wet room looks like at the minute, yep the same as the kitchen floor. Two assault courses for dog and human, it's keeping us on our toes - literally!
I'm going to store my towels in the larder, this is what I need someone to tell me, 'Bev, this is where you put this, and this is where you put that' throughout my house. I have a feeling my mate who's gonna help me sort will be that person, she'll also give me ideas of what to do with my house, her house is amazing, check out her instagram page, hold on I'll go get it, Instagram when I grow up I want a house like that, minus the husband and baby, although he's a cracking bloke and that baby, oh you could really munch him, he's a little heart breaker for sure.
Now knowing I'm fickle, I no longer trust myself with certain decisions and purchases, I have been known to spend a lot of money and not like the results. I want a table and chairs in my living room to eat up and work on with my laptop, which I want to make sure I'm going to actually use, I'm sure I will as I loved sitting up my desk in my office. To make sure, I went about bought two dining chairs for a tenner from marketplace yesterday and I've put together the table I had stored in the shed. It's bigger than the size I want but it'll give me a good idea of whether it'll be worth investing and also time to find the perfect one I want. The ones I really like are over £1k and that's just silly, so I'm looking for something more realistic, I'm actually thinking of making my own because I like the hairpin legs and you can buy them on Amazon, I only need a table top to put on the top, I want a round one about 65-75cm, and because I've only got little legs I want it slightly lower that this one, it's a bit high! If I make my own I can do that, have a Bev height table! I want something like this with the padded bench (ain't that bench just gorgeous) and two chairs and a round table, but metal legs and natural wood table top.
What else did I do yesterday, well Alfie had I had three walks, although the last one was just around the block, he wasn't impressed and barked and jumped up me all the way round, I'd took him to try and calm him down, he had a strange day yesterday, I'm guessing it's because of mom, I've even moved her cupboard out of the living room because he keeps standing by it and whining and crying because he knows she kept biscuits in there, so it's gone in the summerhouse for now.
Elle came to see me, bought me some beautiful flowers and we went for a walk to talk about our plans, we're more flexible now I don't have mom to worry about, exciting times ahead, can't wait to get out and see people!
I did cook yesterday, Alfie and I had chicken thighs and butternut squash, I had salad with mine too, he was happy too, he likes to eat the same as me and you know what, that meal was cheaper than some dog foods!
I also had a message from a lovely lady who reads my blog and she sent me images of the first blog of mine that she ever read back in 2013 (it's been going a lot longer), well I've found it and here's the link if you want a read Bevs World: If you've ever felt fat, frustrated & disappointed with yourself, read on.... (wwbevsworld.blogspot.com) It makes for a good read if I do say so myself, especially if like the title suggests you're feeling fat, frustrated and disapointed with yourself.
I thankfully don't feel any of those things right now, yeah I'm heavier than I have been and that I'd like to be but I reckon as I start to rebuild my life and get more active, that will change, remember you don't have to burn a thousand calories, you just have to move and it will make a difference.
Today, I will..... oh I don't know, the only definates are I will clear the bloody floors in those two rooms so we can move about, Alfie and I will have a couple of walks and I'm thinking pizza for tea as it's Friday and a lovely lady bought it for me. I hope to have my doing head on as there's lots I want to get sorted but if I don't I'm sure there's something I can find on the tele to watch. I've not been bored with my own company yet, thankfully I've always liked spending time on my own so I don't think I will be, although I'm looking forward to a walk with my brother on Sunday, just to decide where to walk, is that 5 mile from home thing still in place?
Right, have a lovely Friday folks, I plan to because that's what mom would want.
Mwah, luv ya
Love me xx
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