Sleep please

Friday 26th February 2021

Hold on tight, one day it will come right. 

I feel like I'm already tired tomorrow - oh it is tomorrow and I've seen every hour of the night since yesterday because apparently my mom doesn't need sleep, it's her new super power!  I'm not even going to attempt to relive the 8 or 9 hours with you, I just can't and don't want to!  I'm just so tired, even my tired is tired.  The things with dementia is people think they get it, but if you've met one person wit dementia, you've only met one person.  That's because each individual will talk, act, remember and behave differently, not because of what stage of dementia they're at but because of who they are.  Even that person will change day on day or hour to hour and it's really no bloody fun for either the sufferer or the carer.  Oh and she's not constipated any more, it's gone completely the other way - happy days!

On a positive I had a few hours that were bearable yesterday, I even had a walk with Alfie over the park which was lovely, whilst my mate Elle let me offload without giving me 'solutions'.  I also cooked me some proper food and drunk a bottle of pink prosecco for a change to red, Aldi £6.99 very nice indeed.  Oh and the other thing I'm really, truly grateful for is that the three people mom's been having a conversation with all night aren't actually here and this isn't a ward at New Cross like she thinks it is.  

Let's think about the future, I know most of you are looking forward to meeting up with your friends, I'm looking forward to a time when I can leave the room without being called back and asked 'where are you going?', a time when I can walk my dog whenever I choose, go and sit in the back garden because the suns come out.  I look forward to one day seeing the sea again and walking the coastal path.  Even to sit and eat a meal in it's entirity without any disturbance, to being able to sit in silence comfortably on my own - oh yes so many little things I long for.

Until then, I'll make it through another day and hope she goes to sleep tonight, what's really sad is a part of me hopes she doesn't wake up the morning after.  I don't think I'm the only carer of someone with dementia who feels that way because with all her other problems, I can honestly say, if she was a horse they'd have shot her by now.   I read on Dementia groups that people have lost their loved ones and I'm a little jealous because I'm sat here next to the women who's been my mom, my best friend, my hero and all that's left is a shell that looks a little like her, my mom was stolen away a long, long time ago.  How cruel is nature to allow this to happen. 

Today I will make it my mission to write down as many positives as I can so if you come back tomorrow to suffer more of my blog, you might actually read something that's a little more uplifting!  

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger they say don't they!  I must be the bloody terminator by now ;)

Mwah, luv ya

Love me