Day 2, Hit Refresh

Tuesday 21st April 2020 
Something will grow from all you are going through.  And it will be you!

Well I did it, I had a day 100% on track, other wins since yesterday's blog include, I didn't have any wine for the first time in a very, very long time, what was even better and more relieving was that it didn't actually bother me (genuinely started to think I'd got a problem), turns out moms mood is no better with or without wine!  I managed to finish on 23SP, tracked absolutely everything honestly, earned 10 FitPoints too.  I set my alarm clock and despite an awful nights sleep, the dreams honestly, I'm dreaming about mom and her dementia now too (so no respite from it at all!) I have just done and thoroughly enjoyed 20 minutes yoga and 10 minutes meditation before mom woke up.  I did attempt to do a short night yoga routine when we came to bed last night but mom put paid to that, hey ho!

These are the two meals I enjoyed.  

Cheese toastie using Arla protein cheese, mushrooms, spinach, spring onions and egg. 4SP 

Leftovers from Sunday dinner turned into a bubble and squeak cheese bake, 2 chicken honey sausages and a dollop of HP.  17SP, bit high on the points that but I didn't have another meal afterwards. 

I feel like I've turned a corner, now to keep going forward, mom was initially slightly better when lockdown started but she's not getting any better, it was a brief interlude, the last weeks she's been a lot worse, aggression, complete confusion, oh and the stories she tells me are completely made up, the stuff she believes she's done not just that day but in her past.  We've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy over the last few weeks and some of the things she's allegedly had wrong with her over the years, well, she could write a book, if they were true!

I realised I have two choices, either take control of my emotions and thoughts, or let it all consume me and end up having some kind of breakdown because I'm not just in lockdown and unable to go out and about, I struggle to be able to leave the room without her mood completely flipping and me being verbally attacked, I'm having to tip toe around her.  It's laughable really because one of the reasons I never got involved in a long term relationship was because I never wanted anyone controlling me like my dad had my mom and now she's doing to me what he did to her.   I went on a Facebook group yesterday for Dementia Daughters looking to see if any of them were in a similar situation just them and their parent in a house together but I could only see ones who's parent was in a residential home, lots had passed away over this period and I'm not going to even type the thoughts I had because some people wouldn't understand! 

Instead I've going to use yoga and mediation to ground me, I'm stuck in this situation until at least the end of May so I'm going to hopefully use this time to eat healthier, drink less and lose a few pounds.  7Lb by end of May is my hope, although I know I've been here before trying to lose weight, this time it isn't weight loss that's my main priority, it's my sanity, stopping the thoughts in my head from convincing me my world is crap!  It's not, my world is difficult, I've had my freedom stolen but that's been going on for a long time now, I just can't go to work to escape it all so I will find inner peace instead.  

I'm focusing on the day ahead only, I only need the strength for today, to overcome anything that that comes my way.  Alzheimers may be destroying my mom, but I will not let it take me with her.

I have a healthy shop being delivered this morning, lots of veggies, my treat and indulgent in the order for the week are Onion & Cheese Focaccias and taramasalata, me weird - I won't have it said! 

It's my brothers birthday today and he called yesterday to talk to mom but she was vile, so we gave up on that idea, hopefully she might be better this morning and I'll get her to send him a video message.  He's her golden child and it's so sad to see her behave in that way towards him but I need to remind myself its not her its the disease, unfortunately we can't separate the two because if we could, I'd be tempted to punch the dementia!  If I could put the disease out of her I'd burn it, it's the most evil thing and you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.  It's stolen my best friends and put thoughts in my head about her, I never would've believed possible.  If you're stuck at home with loved ones and their doing your head in, go love em and love them hard because I'd give anything to have her back in all her glory.  We used to have good days and bad days, now we look for good hours or am thankful for her falling asleep.   I can honestly say the last week has been the hardest of my life and there is no escape because of the lockdown.

Sorry, I'm bringing the mood down, let's get back to Day 2, Hit Refresh.  I've got some more of that squeak bake, contemplating freezing it as I don't really want to eat it again today.  I fancy some fish, I'm going to take some cod out of the freezer and enjoy it with a flat bread maybe and peppers, courgettes, onions and mushrooms, ooo yeah, good. light and fresh food.

I'm really looking forward to this morning's  8.30 virtual workshop, especially now we're doing the half hour before wellness check-ins for those that need it.  Mom's already up so I'm hoping she'll snooze whilst I work.  

Right I need to go shower and get ready for that then don't I, here's to staying strong and surviving the day ahead.  

Mwah, luv ya, hope you're surviving too.

Love me xx