Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.
Love me
Yes Oops indeed, I should've spent my week with my hands over my mouth, I may not have eaten so much lol! I knew it though, I lost weight by some kind of witchery last week and it wasn't deserved, so it's only gone and caught me up and bit me on the bum this week, a staggering, wait for it, drum roll please...... 4lb on!
I got cocky didn't I, thought well if I can lose 2lb having done all the damage I'd do that week, I might as well carry on! Will I ever learn 😜 I doubt it, I love food way too much, that's before we even start talking about Red Wine. The next question is, do I just give up, after all it's winter, it's raining, it's dark, a month today is Christmas Day. Then there's the fact my moms got Alzheimers and Vascular Dementia, two for the price of one, I don't know if I'm going to wake up into a heaven or hell situation on any given day and that's if I've been lucky enough to even get any sleep to start with. I could use any of this to think sod it, I'll have a break and start again next year, but I won't because I know the damage I could do, that 4lb gain was with me being mindful, imagine if I just thought sod it completely for a month, nah that's not happening. Continue on I say, embrace the struggle, my body and mind is not something I ever intend to give up on, or put on hold for a month!
As my mom told me the other morning and we were cuddling on her bed, 'It's not going to get easier taking care of me' and she's right but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up, it just means I'll adapt my behaviour and adjust my life, I need to take the same approach to my eating habits and lifestyle.
As the author of my own story, I'm very aware I chose this life, okay I didn't ask for mom to get Alzheimers, but I have always said I would take care of her for the rest of her life because my dad didn't and as I was growing up, she was the best mom, she was both parents, supermom without the cape, she made me believe I was capable of anything, that I was BeYOUtiful, that my childhood, my illness, nothing defined me, I was able to decide my path and achieve whatever was important to me. I didn't do too bad for someone who left school before taking her exams because I wanted to work and earn money and I hated the place.
Yeah I'm a survivor, I'm not going to sit here and type how today I'm drawing a line, starting again, this time I'm doing it, because I'm not, I never stopped trying, okay you could call this weeks results an epic fail but you know what, that could've been double what it was if I hadn't been trying at all, if I hadn't been mindful. If I hadn't only eaten 3 mini chocolates at my massage, if instead I'd stopped at the shop and bought a big slab of galaxy caramel, or in the Co-op yesterday, ignored the 3 for £10 mini celebrations that I spotted. If I'd had that BigMac meal deal I fancied driving past McDonalds on Saturday after workshop, or if I'd nipped over the Co-op last night and bought the Pizza mom and I were fancying after an advert on the tele. If I'd bought a bottle of orange juice to go with the bottle of prosecco that's in my cupboard after drinking the little bottle Bonnie bought me with the carton of cranberry Sheila had bought me. If I'd helped mom eat the biscuits Tina had bought her after helping her eat some of the biscuits Lucy got for her. Don't even get me started on the Pringles she's got sitting on her table. Do I need to continue, that's just the last 3 days!
Temptation is EVERYWHERE! Even more so at this time of year, not only is the temptation there, our resolve (I think that's the word I'm looking for) is lower, our willpower is being beaten down by dark night and miserable wet, cold weather. We're all looking for something to make us feel better, for some that the anticipation of Christmas, for others it's knowing Spring is going to come at some point.
I'm sat here smiling to myself because there's two versions of me, well they both live in my head. One half is saying meh let's just not worry about it, sit watching tele, eating whatever and drinking wine, you can't go anywhere because of mom, heck even Alfie don't walk that far anymore so you're not even earning FitPoints, then your ankle still ain't right so you can't walk that far anyways.
Then there's the other voice that's saying, okay so we're stuck in the house a lot more than we used to be, that means you have a lot of time on your hands and I know you enjoy sitting, watching tv and crocheting but just think you could spend some of that time cleaning your house, then you would feel instantly better seeing it looking so good. You could use that time to explore recipes and cook healthier meals that are so damn delicious, you're happy to be losing weight!
The question is which voice speaks loudest? The truth is, it honestly depends on the day of the week, how my moms been the previous day and how much emotional and physical energy I have. Today is the CAN DO voice, I've woke up feeling I can handle it all, I didn't wake up feeling like that yesterday, I so wanted to do my BeYOUtiful book this weekend, but after Saturday mom, Sunday Bev couldn't deal with trying to be 'ra ra' with her, I was glad she slept until about ten, because she'd woke up at 6ish thinking I was her mom and it's mentally draining. However by the time she got up things were calm again in my head as well as hers, so I nipped to the Co-op and bought a chicken so that I could make a roast dinner with all the veggies I had that were on the turn. It was immense! Today I've got leftover cottage pie, I've frozen the rest. I washed up, cleaned the kitchen rather than leaving it for morning, so this morning, I'm going to get my workshops planned for the week, then I'm going to clean upstairs, try and get mom to agree to a shower (but I know to pick my battles so if she says no, sod it, I'll try and get her to settle on a bowl for her feet!).
YES SuperBev is here today, I wish every day felt like this but it doesn't, if I realise that though and continue to give myself a break, it'll all be good in the long run.
Hope you're feeling positive today too, let's have a CAN DO kind of day shall we?
Mwah luv ya
Love me
No comments:
Post a Comment