It's all about the WHY!

Monday 31st December 2018
The good news is you are always capable of change as soon as you discover your why!

Yesterday morning as I started to walk Alfie, I opened my WW app and found the new 'Get Active with WW x Aaptiv' and decided I'd give the basic walking workout a go, especially after we'd discussed in my workshop finding an activity that not only fit in with your life but that you enjoyed.  Its a 28 minute walking workout that a focuses on your breath and technique at a comfortable pace.  Well of course Alfie doesn't walk consistently, he stops to sniff and pee (A LOT!) my solution to that - walk on the spot - who cares what I look like, if I continue to do it regularly I'll look equally as silly walking on the spot in the middle of my estate but I'll be a lot slimmer!  I really enjoyed it, he took me back home half way through so I let him in the house and I walked off on my own.  There's always a way if you want to find it.  And the quote at the top of today's blog was taken from that workout, the lady said it about half way through and I had to make a note of it because it's true.  Find your why and you will find your how too. When I'd finished I did feel good for having done it, I plan to do the same on the 4 days of the week I don't have to get up and go to work at 7.30am.  5k steps on my Fitbit by 9am and 42 active minutes, my WW app was telling me the steps on my Fitbit had earned me 1SP from the steps and 9SP from the 39 minute walk - I walked longer than the routine as I had to get papers after I'd finished.  10SP earned just like that!

Now I was looking forward to getting my home back to it's quietness so I spent the day chilling as best as I could, and of course in true NEW YEAR tradition, I thought about starting a new WW Journal but I think I'm going to use my app to the best of its ability and I might actually sit at night with my Journal and reflect on the day copy the meals into it so I have meal ideas for the future when I get stuck.  But not until our visitors have departed, so yep it will be January 1st when I properly get back on track.  

Had me a couple of hours whilst Terry and Alexis were out shopping yesterday and watched The Avengers, Infinity War, loved it but wasn't impressed with the ending and knowing I've got wait for the next film to see what happens next! 

I'm thinking another quiet day today, will fit in another walk though and I've just started my supermarket shop online so that it's all healthy in my house this coming week.  Anything truly unhealthy that hasn't been eaten by the time they leave to day that has a decent use by on is going in the food bank!  I didn't eat pudding before Christmas and I'm not starting now. 

Just spent an hour looking at work stuff, that's the beauty of waking up at 4am you can work before everyone else wakes up, I'm looking forward to getting on track with my members and all of us continuing our journey's in January.  I've noticed in my group some have already started, I've also had lots of messages from people interested in joining.  If you know anyone there's a great 50% off on the www.ww.com/uk website for 'digital and studio' which means the app and meetings, if you also send them a 'share the love' link from you're phone you'll both receive a free month if they use that link to sign up with, plus they'll get the offer online too.  

Here's to a very great last day of 2018 and looking forward to a spectacular 2019.  Can I add, I won't be giving anything up in the new year, oh actually yes I will, I'll be giving up neglecting myself and my own needs.  2019 is all about getting back to taking care of myself, last year was about getting the balance back with work and life and I've done that, so now to spend time taking care of everybody in this household including me!  What would you like to achieve in 2019?  

One more day

Sunday 30th December 2018
Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory.

One more day and I'm getting back on track, I've enjoyed my Indian takeaway, got the leftovers for today and I'll probably make that cheese and potato pie, but if I don't I can use the cheese when I'm on track within my daily allowance, nothings off limit lets remember.

I'm ready for it now, I'm ready to return to as normal as my life can be in all aspects, I like my routines.  The only thing that I feel needs adding is a bit of movement and that was the subject of yesterday mornings workshop.  After all it's no use just sorting out our eating if we still lazy and messed up in our heads, that's why WW focus on the three plan pillars: food, activity and mindset and why each week they look at topics related to them.  As I said the other day though, I'm not looking at turning into Super WWer overnight, I'm going to build up and work on what I can.  I already walk Alfie and that helps get my steps up on my Fitbit, ended on just shy of 8k steps yesterday which isn't bad to say I didn't move from noon!  Once my visitors have left and the house is tidy and back to normal (ha ha, well tidyish most of the time), I'm going to put music on in a morning and have a little dance round the kitchen whilst I'm getting mom sorted.  That'll earn me a few FitPoints and I might think of something else I could enjoy, I know the WW app now has some activity videos, I think I'll take a look at them when my phones charged up.  

Mac 'n' Cheese now there's a way to use up some of the cheese,  there's a recipe in my comfort book and also an ultimate version on the app, yeah it'll all get used and it can be frozen I know.

I'm a little deflated this morning but I'll be okay after some caffeine, it's all such hard work and going to work yesterday made me realise I go there for a rest lol, shame that's the truth or it would be funny.   But instead of dwelling on that, I intend to start getting myself fitter and healthier, at least I'm have a body and mind to cope with it all then, I'm sure insults and moaning bounces off a slimmer body easier ;)

Anyway tomorrow is the last day of 2018, what am I taking from this year?  Well patience is one of the best qualities you can have.  Be grateful and count your blessing, it helps a lot. Cry if you need to but don't dwell there too long.  Go to bed when it all gets too much, it's always better in the morning. And of course, find any opportunity to laugh, because it truly is the best medicine.  Oh and you can't really beat sitting in a calm, quiet room.

On that note I'm going to make me a cuppa and sit in a calm, quiet room before they all wake up!  Have a very, great Sunday whatever you're up too.

Almost ready to get back on track.

Saturday 29th December 2018
Don't compare your life to others. There's no comparison between the sun and the moon, they just shine when it's their time.

We had chippy tea last night, all I need now is an Indian takeaway and I'll have done all the 3 main food groups (Chinese, Indian, Chippy) and that'll keep me satisfied for the foreseeable.  I'll then be ready to start taking weight loss seriously, it's not happening till Monday though.  My visitors are still here and I'm enjoying having time out.

I treated myself to a new leather sofa yesterday, it's coming this morning, Alexis and I had spent a few hours the day before walking round Ikea and the other Sofa shops and there was too much choice, nothing was screaming BUY ME, then yesterday morning I found a place thanks to an internet search in Wolverhampton, https://www.sofafactoryoutlet.co.uk, I liked that it was local and employed local people.  I also liked that he didn't stalk me around the store, just asked 'are you here to browse, just give me a shout if you want anything'.  Unlike some of the places we'd been yesterday.  Anyway, I got lucky and the one I did like was in the clearance section, plus it's coming this morning.  

I've had a bed settee in the living room for so long, just for people to be able to sleep, but Terry and Alexis reckon the mattress on the floor on it's own is just as good so I can have a proper sofa with arms on.  Now to try and get Alfie to realise he can't do it pretend to dig a hole routine in it like he tries to do with everything else! 

Well I've started my morning with my pint of water, there's one good habit I can do now, I've also put my Fitbit back on the last few days, yesterday I managed 8,000 but the day before 11,000, not bad at all.  I've also started tracking food on the app the last few days too, it might not be great but it's honest and I'm getting into the habit because I'll be collecting the Wellness Wins next year on the app, I fancy myself the self reflecting journal or if I'm a little more patient the wine tumblers.

How quick has this week gone, I can't believe it's been a week since I've been to work, looking forward to seeing everyone this morning.  We're taking our gain in 2018 and then our first check-in in January will show a loss (well hopefully mine will as I'm not really going to get properly on track till Monday/Tuesday).

We were chatting yesterday and apparently the bag of flaxseed I have in the cupboard which I've not opened is very good for menopausal systems, the internet has conflicting information but as I have it and it's only 2SP per tablespoon I've said in January I'm going to start sprinkling some in natural yogurt each day, hell if nothing else the yogurt is good for me and the omega 3 oils in the seed is too. My systems have been particularly strong the last few days, night sweats, muscle pains - all of em lol.  Got a massage this morning that'll hopefully nah definitely make me feel more relaxed.

My bestie came to visit yesterday, I haven't seen her for a few weeks and my moms reaction as we sat down was to turn the tele up from 75 to 98!  Such fun!   My brother turned up an hour later and started telling some of his tales which made us all laugh.  

We all watched Die Hard on the night before mom and I had an early night at 8, this is my new plan, We're going to start going to bed as early as 8 because that's why her sundowning gets really bad and she turns into someone I'm not so keen on, it's hard enough when I'm wide awake but once we're both starting to get tired bed time for sure.  

Anyway, I do believe it's bacon sarnies for breakfast, nom nom, I'll catch you tomorrow when hopefully I'll have a new settee in situ, let's hope it comes through the doors okay!  


  

My plan for 2019 is to be HUMAN!

Friday 28th December
Be yourself because an original is worth more than a copy.

As I walked the dog yesterday morning, I received a message from a friend telling me how she'd gained 5lb so far, I quickly tried to do the math on how much I'd gained as I had stepped on the scales that morning and smiled at the number because it was only 1lb off the weight I said I never wanted to see again, it was 6lb on I think, maybe 7lb but I felt calm and okay with that, I have real issues to worry about!  I then got to thinking ooo 2019 is my last year in my 40's, I can make it my goal to be fab at fifty, I even downloaded an app onto my phone that told me it was exactly 387 days till my 50th Birthday, that'll be 386 today!  So there I am thinking ooo 50 weeks to get fit for 50, I went to get moms papers and on the front of the Daily Mail it said NEW YEAR, NEW YOU - 13 page special, the only thing that would've sold that better would've been if it had been 50 page special (50 get it, there's a theme evolving!)   I could make 50 new recipes over the year, lose 50lb (did the maths - I THINK NOT!  I do not want or need to lose 50lb really, even though I would be within a healthy BMI I don't want to be that weight).

Then I opened the paper, sat down at my desk and read the line "we forget, we're 'only human'" yeah we're not supposed to be flawless, perfect robot versions of ourself.  I haven't made New Years resolutions for years but this year I'm making one and that's to be the best human I can be.

Yes I will try to cook new recipes but I'm not going to commit to doing 50!  Yes I'm going to lose some weight but it won't be 50lb!  Yes I will be Fabulous at Fifty because BeYOUtiful I'm already Fabulous at 48!

Yep I'm good enough NOW, however I would like to start taking care of myself a little more, I'm well aware 2018 was the year of SOD IT for me, my mentality most of the time has been 'well I can't go anywhere or do anything so I may as well eat and drink' not the best attitude for my physical or mental health really is it. In 2019 I'm going to question and challenge those thoughts as I work on being the best human I can be.

And because I am human, when I do feel the urge to binge of booze or food, I'll remind myself I can resist and that stuff will still be there tomorrow if I do need more.

I'm going to use the year getting to know the grown up version of me, the middle aged woman who's life has changed drastically thanks to Alzheimers/Dementia.  My life is different and I've got to find a way to make it all work because I know the situation isn't about to improve any time soon.

Ask yourself what do you really want from your life?  I want to be content, calm and find laughter whenever possible.  I want to be strong enough to cope with moms illness and brave enough to handle anything it throws at me.

And because I'm human, I'm not going to start with the eating/drinking sensibly thing until January 1st after all, it is my holiday and I've only had one this year ;)

What you gonna do and when you gonna start?

Restart when you're ready!

Thursday 27th December 2018
5 by 5 rule - if it's not going to matter in 5 years, don't spend longer than 5 minutes being upset about it.

Well I've got two more days off and then I'm back at my workshop on Saturday morning, part of me has had her suspicions confirmed that there was a very, good reason I didn't have any weeks off this year, it's bloody hard work being at home!  Oh but unlike most of my members posting they are ready to get back on track because they've been super greedy and feel sluggish, I'm not quite there yet, don't get me wrong - I know I've gained weight and I do want to lose it, but it's going to wait until January, eating and drinking is all that's getting me through this week. We had a lovely bacon sarnie for breakfast, scallops with olive bread and red cabbage for dinner and for tea we had a plate with potato salad, cottage cheese, coleslaw, bit of cheese and a couple of crackers, oh and I grazed on the rest of the salted peanuts - they're gone thankfully. 

We're probably gonna have bubble and squeak today with the leftover Christmas dinner and I'm thinking a lovely cauliflower cheese at some point with the cheese we haven't used.  We still have the croissants, so they're obviously not that high on our to eat list!  Don't forget if you have sealed food with at least 2 weeks use by date on that you wished you hadn't bought or don't now want to eat, you can put it in the food bank, they'll use it.

I am going to start looking at what I can eat when I'm ready though, we've got a new cook book that's definitely going to be worth a look and I've just seen this recipe on another website, yes there are Smart Points in it but they'd be lush I reckon and the recipe tweak able.

Baked Honey and Mustard Butterbeans

400g tin of butterbeans

1 tbsp honey (4SP)

1 tspn dijon mustard

1 tspn wholegrain mustard (1SP)

Olive oil (1tbsp = 5SP, 2tbsp = 9SP)

Seasoning

A few thyme sprigs

Preheat oven to 190oC.

Mix the honey, mustard, a glug of olive oil and seasoning in a bowl.  Add the butterbeans and toss well.

Add beans to a oven proof dish and scatter across thyme.  Bake for 30 mins or until golden on top.

Yeah sounds delicious!

It'll be just me and mom tonight so I'm thinking a super early night before she turns, although it's been earlier this week, I'm guessing its because there's others here.  I can't control how she behaves but I can control how I react, the thing is with people is we try to control things that are out of our control and it upsets us when we can't, so here's a list of things you can control, focus on them!

Your beliefs, attitude, thoughts, perspective. How honest you are.  Who your friends are.  What books you read.  How often you exercise.  The food you eat & how much!  How many risks you take.  How kind you are to others.  How you interpret situations.  How kind you are to yourself.  How often you say 'I love you' and 'Thank you'.  How you express your feelings. Whether or not you ask for help. How often you practice gratitude.  How many times you smile today.  The amount of effort you put into something.  How you spend your money.  How much time you spend worrying.  How often you think about your past.  Wether or not you judge other people.  Whether or not you try again after a setback.  How much you appreciate the things you have.

Today decide to not stress over the things you can't control. If you've overeaten for the last few days, weeks, months or even the last year, you can't rectify the situation in a few hours, it's going to take time.  If you know the next few days won't be the easiest, don't aim for perfection, aim to have a little less than you did yesterday and say "No, thank you" a little more often.  Add more vegetables to your plate, drink more water, less alcohol, go for a walk, start with small steps and build up.  Get on your WW app and start tracking even it it doesn't look pretty written down.  If you're one of my members or local, come and see me at my workshop on Saturday and take your gain in 2018, then you're first check-in in 2019 will be a loss.  

Let's make 2019 the year we do what we can, when we can and not stress about what we can't control.  Have a very, great Thursday BeYOUtiful. 

& there it was, GONE!

Wednesday 26th December 2018
Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.

Yesterday was very much all about mom, we all accepted that pretty much from the minute we got up so we did everything we could to keep her happy, give her all the attention and gave her the best Christmas Day we know she'll probably forget most of today.  I'm not going to lie, it was exhausting, bless Terry because he spent the morning singing with her.  By the time she went to bed, we were all too tired to continue our celebrations without her, we just wanted to chill and sleep.

I was lucky I got to stand in the kitchen cooking most of the morning, I could hear Terry and mom singing and that was good.  It's just this damn disease, as soon as there was too many people and probably because she hadn't had her afternoon snooze, she turned.  Bless her, she ended up going to bed at 6ish, I went and sat with her in her room and then ended up going to bed at 8, even for me that's ridiculous on Christmas Day!

It's been a good while since I've cooked a dinner for more than me, so for 5 of us, well 4 she didn't want any, it was a nice change.  Started it about ten after watching mom open her gifts, that was lovely seeing her loving all the attention.  It was wonderful hearing her and Terry singing all the old songs watching on YouTube on the TV.  My dinner got good feedback, I've cooked better but let's be honest, I was more interested in my bucks fizz and my amazon echo, telling Alexa to play Christmas tunes.  Although Alexa blew out a few times, I'm not sure if she was just being overloaded by everyone getting one for Christmas or our internet was playing up and disconnecting.  Oh back to the dinner, Mr Terry threw 3 bags of sprouts and only one bag of 4, yes 4 parsnips in the trolley, that didn't win him any brownie points, but then not only did our Mark come up trumps saying he had 4 bags but he cooked them before he came round.

We were going to try and set up a small table in the living room but as moms mood had flipped by then we decided against it, so ate it on our laps, I enjoyed seeing my brothers enjoy my food, heck our Terry said it was the best Christmas dinner he can remember eating, even if it wasn't the truth - it was nice to hear.  I know turkey's traditional but I'd rather have chicken, although the Aldi £15 turkey turned out alright I have to say;

A nice quiet day for her today I think, Terry's off to the football with his lad, think Alexis is staying so we'll watch tv all day, mom and Alexis love all the murder rubbish and I want to watch SkyScraper so that'll keep us going.  

Despite the moments of awkwardness and her mood swings, it was worthwhile because it might be the last Christmas she knows who we are, being realistic - it might be her last Christmas full stop.  Christmas Eve, she asked where I was, thought she was talking to my sister, that hurt, as strong as you try to be, your emotions take over sometimes, when she says mean things to me, I know she really doesn't mean it but it's like being stabbed.  I can't imagine her never recognising me again.

But we won't think about that, we'll focus on the lovely video I managed to get of her getting money for Christmas off Terry, she doesn't need any and we'll spend the next week trying to find it every day because she's put it somewhere safe.  

Mom getting Christmas Money video

I'll remember her face when she went to bed and we were chatting and she spotted her new glassed holder that looks like a face once her glasses on it and she was smiling and talking to it, that was so sweet.  

Then she noticed the silly sign I'd bought her on the windowsill and she laughed like a drain.  Those are the moments I intend to focus on.

Yeah we'll focus on the good moments and put the bad moments in a box somewhere marked 'worth forgetting'.

Food wise cos let's be honest at some point I need to remember I'm a WWer!  I had a box of Toffifee's for breakfast ;) then picked at the dinner whilst it was cooking, I seriously love pax stuffing with melted butter on the top before it goes in the oven, I'm not really fussed about it once it comes out.  Best thing on a dinner for me is the yorkie, mash and gravy, oh and roast carrots.  It's all about the gravy!

Other than bucks fizz and one Irish coffee I didn't eat anything else yesterday but the scales this morning (I had a sneaky peak) said "you're consuming something woman" oops, so today I'm going to eat what I want again, I'll probably eat more today than yesterday because we have stuff that's marked 'use by 26th Dec', croissants for breakfast, I have a lovely trout starter thing that I think I'll have, oh and we have scallops, me and Alexis are going to have a grazing party today for sure unless she decides she needs to escape this crazy house for a few hours which I'd completely understand!

I had a few lovely, useful and funny little gifts, most people had donated to the food bank instead of getting me something which I'd asked them to, which is why we have this incredible total;

 Thank you to everyone for all your generous donations, what an amazing total plus over 3,000 meals. Amazing Christmas Spirit and very much appreciated https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/donatedinner

Anyway from my family to yours, Happy Boxing Day, remember sometimes it's important to put someone else's needs before your own, even if it means you're missing out on something.  Relationships work both ways, my mom spent 40+ years doing things for me and my siblings, we're just returning that love and patience, after all we were a bunch of little shits at times.

 

Catch ya tomorrow xx

One more sleep....

Monday 24th December 2018

Well yesterday was a lovely Christmas Eve, Eve, I went and had a lovely stroll round Waitrose, treated myself to some lovely bits and bobs to make me smile.  Oh I do love food, I really do.

Mom and I then spent the afternoon watching Christmas movies and then Terry and Alexis arrived back, Mark dropped in and we had a chilled out evening, mom went to bed first.  I followed not long after and popped in to say good night, as I was about to leave, she said, 'Don't go, stay and talk to me for a bit', she never says that, so I lay on her bed with her and we chatted for a bit, me trying to keep my eyes open and failing really but I lasted ten minutes and now it's 5.30am and I've been awake an hour, my body clock is all over the place.  

I think I'm gonna give the kitchen a real good sort this morning, that'll make Christmas dinner easier to cook tomorrow, there's so much housework that should be done.  Terry asked me last night what I was going to do with my week off, I didn't know, it's been 12 months since I had a break, I have no idea, I'll probably just chill out at home because there's not a lot I can do.  This week will be gone before I know it, I mean once we've had Christmas Day and Boxing Day, it'll be Thursday and I'll be back at work Saturday! 

What do people do on Christmas Eve?  I know a lot of them work, I fell lucky this year because I don't run workshops on a Monday otherwise I'd be working too.

I didn't do a roast dinner yesterday, I picked at stuff all day, then had a beef and stilton cob, it was olive bread too, so good with sun roast tomatoes, mmmm.  Of course it was washed down with a glass or two of the red stuff, yep that's what I intend to do all week, eat foods I wouldn't eat most of the time, stuff like potato salad (not exciting I know but I love it and rarely have it because of the calories), and just generally chill out.

I can relax in the knowledge I've done my bit for charity, we've smashed our Christmas target, 

£2,276.00 BOOM!

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/donatedinner   

Simply text: WWDD66 followed by the amount to 70070

And that's me signing off, I might not blog now till Boxing Day, it depends if anyone is awake first thing in the morning.  Just in case I don't, here's to a very merry Christmas, a peaceful one, not calm cos our house will be full of madness, but peaceful, mom was good yesterday, she only very, nearly went once and Terry caught her and turned it round before it was too late.  I'm thankful for everything and everyone I have around me and that's why I don't need gifts under the Christmas tree, I've got mom a little bit of silly but that's all.

Happy Christmas BeYOUtiful, have a very, very great time. 

I've got a week off!

Sunday 23rd December 2018
Sometimes in life we just need a hug.  No words, no advice, just a hug to make you feel better.

And a hug was exactly what I received yesterday, I know my besties care about me but yesterday it was evident how much Vicky did when we were all sat down having our Christmas get together breakfast which Bonnie made (delicious it was) and the subject of my mom came up and I got upset.  I could see she just wanted to make everything better for me, unfortunately that's just not possible.  We had a very emotional conversation, there were tears and then we hugged it out.  Thankfully the rest of my day was mostly calm, mom was okay till about 7 on the night so I suggested an early night, we were in bed well before 9.  Before that though, she thoroughly enjoyed watching Elf with me and chuckled through it.

We had a lovely workshop yesterday, last one before Christmas for me and we got to celebrate the lovely Charlotte achieving her goal, having lost 4 stone, just incredible and what a Christmas present to herself; 

And I've just done the final pre Christmas total from my members for the Food bank and to add to the 3,000 meals we've donated, the running total of cash is £2,146, how amazing is that, I know lots of my members donated instead of buying me a gift which was very, much appreciated.

Oh I tasted Christmas Tree flavoured crisps yesterday, my sister got them for me, they actually do taste like pine, horrid things, you can taste the wood and greenery and it's just wrong.  I'll eat most things but I only managed 2 crisps.  If all crisps tasted like that, I'd never eat them again. 

Hoping to sneak out to Waitrose today and have some me time, yesterday morning with the girls eating breakfast gave me a lot to think about and although it's difficult, I know they're right and I do need to make time for myself.  Mom's said some hurtful things the last week and although I know it's the disease and she doesn't mean it, there's always a little part of me thinking if the thought wasn't in her head somewhere, the disease couldn't make her think it and oh, that breaks my heart.  But then I remember some of the things I said yesterday morning and I know I don't mean them so I completely understand how she says those things.  VILE is what Alzheimers and Vascular Dementia is, pure evil in the form of an illness.

I know everyone thinks I'm joking when I say it, but I truly do believe in Father Christmas and Christmas spirit and I'm relying on it this year to hold my household together so we can have a very wonderful day and a lovely week without drama or conflict.   Think about it, why shouldn't I believe in Santa, lots of people believe in God, what's the difference, none of us have seen either, although my sister and I did hear his bells on the roof once - YEAH we did!

Right, here's to a very, enjoyable Sunday, not sure what's on the menu, we shall see, but weight loss isn't a priority till new year.  Go give someone a hug, it's like therapy, treatment and love all together, so good.  

My life might not be perfect right now but there is a lot of laughter and love in-between the difficult moments, I'll just focus on them and ignore the crap, a bad moment does not have to make a bad day - remember that.

Catch ya tomo. 

By 11, I'll be done!

Saturday 22nd December 2018
The best things in life are free: hugs, smiles, friends, kisses, family, sleep, love, laughter and good memories.

It's my last morning of having to get up until next Saturday, bonus to not having to rush around every day to sort mom.  We've added deafness to the Ahzheimer's mix, she's already been having the tv on 80+ for years but now she's putting it up to as high as it'll go 100!  She doesn't seem to be hearing most of what I say and it's getting her frustrated and angry but when I've suggested ear drops she says no, hopefully at some point she'll say yes but meanwhile, we have another ingredient being added to the wonderful world that is vascular dementia and Alzheimers.  

I did escape for a couple of hours yesterday, Terry and I went Christmas Food shopping and all I can say is, he stole Christmas from me, it's the highlight of Christmas for me, I just absolutely love to food shop as everyone knows and Christmas is no different, I'll spend hours trawling the shelves, when we've been away in Wales in years gone by it was always a Tesco, here it would've been Waitrose and/or Sainbury's but yesterday he dragged me to Aldi and we were in and out in half hour! Well I accidentally on a purpose forgot a few necessities and will be doing my best to escape to Waitrose tomorrow to have my hour a therapy in there.  Don't get me wrong I'm not faulting the quality of the food in Aldi, but I missed my tradition, some people put up a tree, I go food shopping. 

Next I went for an hour of calm at the Chi Rooms, lovely it was, then I came back to a mom with a face like thunder.  Terry and Alexis were off until Sunday (lucky them) and as he was leaving he wished me luck, saying he'd never seen her that bad - yay, happy days.

I managed to get her to watch some tv, we enjoyed 911 together then watched the Christmas Chronicles on Netflix, what an absolutely wonderful film, mom really enjoyed it too which was a bonus.

Then the most wonderful thing happened, the front door opened, no it wasn't Santa it was my sister with a cheese and onion pie for me and because Terry and Alexis have gone, it's all mine.  She seriously makes the best pies in the world.  See good home made gifts are the absolute best.

 Now my sister makes the best pastry, I may have said that already, but if you're interested, this is how she does it.  

300g of plain flour, 
75g lard 
75g marg. 
Pinch of salt and 
5 tablespoons cold water



Anne uses a pastry blender to mix the flour and fat together so she doesn't handle it until she adds the water, truly amazing and the only pastry that doesn't give me heartburn automatically!

I then had a lovely message off my bestie telling me she was planning a surprise birthday day out for me and my heart sank, I should've been thrilled but with how moms declining, I just can't see days out being a possibility any more, it's honestly too much hassle.  On a positive I love that she cares enough to want to do something to take me away from all this, I'm truly blessed to have the best friends in the world and a bloody awesome family too.  I just wished I still had the best mother that ever graced this planet and that she wasn't being taken from me one piece at a time.

Anyway, today's gonna be lovely, I have my very last workshop this morning for a week, our Justgiving page shows we've smashed the £2k pre Christmas target - thanks to a few secret Santa giftings, that really is an amazing total and once today's workshop is over I'll transfer the money from the keyrings and charity tubs this week which will add even more! BOOM!

Yesterday was the Winter Solstice which means I'm now on countdown to spring!  There was supposed to be an epic full moon and meteor shower last night, all I saw was a lot of rain.  

Have a very, very great Saturday before Christmas, if you're shopping like we did yesterday, do it with a smile on your face, have the banter with people, it makes the entire experience better.  We had a giggle doing ours!

Oh I almost forgot to mention the breathaylser; 

  we were both over the limit yesterday morning when we set it up, we knew we would be and had no intention of going anywhere that early.  But seriously people, don't drink and drink, don't use your mobile when you're driving, doing drive too fast (I was behind a car on Kitchen lane yesterday who had to be doing over 40!) Be safe, be thoughtful and don't be a dick!

1 more to go!

Friday 21st December 2018
Apologising doesn't mean you're wrong and the other person is right, it means you value your relationship more than your ego.

Well yesterday was, let's say eventful but ended lovely, it's my busy day with 5 meetings, even if they're quiet, I still have to do everything the same and work the long hours and it was also the day my brother decided to sort the bathroom (remember mom flooded it!). Well moms mood is flipping in seconds, when she's good she's vey, very good and unlike the little girl in the rhyme when she's bad, she's not horrid she's vile and other words I won't type!  She's attacking me downstairs and I stupidly (should've known better) went upstairs to Terry, he's already angry and frustrated with not having the tools he needed to do the jobs he's got to do and in hindsight (a marvellous thing) I should've stayed downstairs and stayed out of it, anyway, conversations ensued and we ended up having words, I ended up crying (not his fault or mine, we're Longsden's and volatile).  I left and went and hid at my venue for an hour, sat there calming down and going over what had happened, then sent him a message to apologise, he replied doing the same because that's what grown ups who love each other do! 

Remember the next time you have a run in with someone, whether it's a loved one or not, that there's always 3 versions of the situation, yours, there's and what actually happened!  We all see things, how we want to see them, not how they actually are.  In the end we decided to blame mom because we can and the Greek woman on the phone who didn't start speaking in English when we pressed 2, even though that's what she told us to do.  Always blame someone else I say!

Once I got home and mom had gone to bed, we had a couple of hours with a nice glass or do of Whitley Neil Quince Gin and oh we did laugh, I'm not saying our Terry is dramatic (oh and that's the pot calling the kettle black, my besties will tell you that) but at one point the line 'And we will starve & we will die' well there was so much laughter, it more than made up for the nightmare that mom can be, she'd even said 'you're the kindest person I know' to me before going to bed which made me realise she's still in there somewhere, she's just been lovely to me this morning too, telling me she's so glad I understand her - breaks my heart this does, I'm sat here with tears in my eyes thinking about it but now I'm replacing the thought with Terry standing in the middle of the living room saying 'And we will starve and we will die', I'm trying to recall the reason he said it, I'm sure it was because Alexis was being laid back about something and he was saying what would happen if he couldn't work, hopefully they'll be able to remember more than me.  And no it was just the gin that's stopping me from remembering, it's my bad memory, I've never been able to remember anything, I reckon I've had a worse memory than moms for a long time! 

We've still got to do our Christmas food shop, hopefully this morning.  I'll escape for a massage lunchtime, that'll recharge me for the week ahead and they're off out tonight on the jolly so I'll give mom lots of attention because yesterday she was telling them, I can't wait to get away and out the house, of course that's not true but in that moment it was her version of the truth, this disease is vicious and scary and I hate it.  The last few days I've reminisced about some of the wonderful things mom and I have done together and ma'am I miss that so much, I do miss those times.  Maybe I'll start getting out photo albums of our travels and we can go through them together, I think I might be able to get them on Facebook on my laptop or maybe even via the tv, that'd be good because the photos would be bigger.

Another £50 raised for the Foodbank too, one of my members (Sadie Hinton) very talented daughters Leah has made some tee shirts with BeYOUtiful on the back and a happy owl on the front for my members to wear, I have mine thank you and it's lovely.  What a lovely, generous, kind thing to do so thanks to that we have safely smashed the £2k mark, I'll do a final pre Christmas total on Sunday after my Saturday meeting.  

Right I'm off, the Gruffalo is awake, here's to a very, great day, loud, laughter and whatever else it has to throw at us.  Only one more workshop to go before my break. 

And then there were 6

Thursday 20th December 2018
Laugh when you can, apologise when you should, and let go of what you can't change.

BOOM! Just incredible, here’s the fifth Certificate another 542 meals donated, totalling 3,107 meals donated, 1552.7kg total of food, 113.4kg of none food. Just incredible, thank you all for your kind generosity, I'm so grateful.  If you've yet to do it, or have another quid. Simply text: WWDD66 followed by the amount to 70070 or donate at https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/donatedinner @Black Country Food Bank, we're going to smash £2k by Christmas, I'm really chuffed, thank you to each and everyone one of you for everything you've donated. 

Last nights workshops may have been quiet because everyone is rushing round trying to get everything done before Christmas, but we were still celebrating successes, just check out this photo 

Simon joined my workshop at St Albans Church in Ashmore Park on Jan 3rd of this year, last night he was smiling because he's now 5 stone lighter & looking forward to Christmas! Make 2019 the year you work on your wellness, sign up online www.ww.com/UK 

I plan to join him with being successful next year, I've managed 4lb in December, which I'll most likely regain before the end of the year but I'm ready to sort myself out, make myself a project.  I'll be getting our new Freestyle cookbook out and cooking up delicious food. 

My brother bought a breathalyser yesterday, he's going to leave it for me once he goes back to Corfu, it's so easy to have one to many glasses that take you over the limit, especially at this time of year.  I've just come across this in my memories as a guideline; 

 And that's how easy it is!  How many people are coming home from a bad day at work and drinking a bottle of wine, then getting up really early to drive to work, they would be over the limit, because 11.5 hours is how long it would take to get that alcohol out of your system, even longer if you were a smaller person I would be guessing!  It's just not worth risking is it, I couldn't work without a driving license, not to mention, I'd never forgive myself if I was ever involved in an accident.

Oh my survival food yesterday was a salmon, mushroom, tomato and onion omelette, it was delicious.  My I honestly probably won't both eating again (and I'm shocked to be typing this) was a Big Mac, £3.09 of what the hell was that all about, I didn't even finish it, I couldn't work out why I wasn't enjoying it but something wasn't right and I threw it realising they're seriously over rated and I've always been a huge fan.  My I shared it with Alfie because I didn't have a choice meal was faggots, swede, potato and peas, he ate almost 3 faggots, I enjoyed my Swede - it really is my new favourite veg, microwave whole, then scoop out the middle, delicious.

Off to Bloxwich this morning for the start of my 5 workshop day, I'm definitely under the limit, not going to lie I had 1 can of lager last night, after watching my brother drink a few the night before, I just fancied it, that was 11 hours ago, well it will be when I leave the house.  

Oh what shall I start my day with, egg on toast maybe, you know what, I think I fancy baked beans, right I'm off, here's to a very, great day, 5 more sleeps.  I was gutted yesterday I missed mom getting to see her great granddaughter, I had to go to work, but they apparently had a lovely few hours whilst I was there, Lily enjoyed playing with Alexa and showing mom her dance moves, how lovely. It was the first thing mom told me when I got home, how lovely it was and what a polite young lady she was, so nice. 

Right I am off now, catch ya laters.  

I only lost a pound!

Wednesday 19th December 2018
We do not see things as they are, we see thing as we are.

Yep I only went and lost a pound on the scales yesterday, erm I'm surprised but very, very pleased, now to survive the next two weeks.  I didn't go to bed till 1am this morning, we were reminiscing about the past, mom went to bed at 9ish so we enjoyed a drink and some memories, the version of my mom I was remembering was the one I miss so much, I still get the odd glimpse of her and I enjoy them, we've had a little giggle this morning, she's always better first thing in the morning.

Breakfast yesterday was egg on wholemeal bread with a sachet of WW hollandaise sauce, they're my new favourite thing.  Lunch was 2 pieces of KFC and chips, the chicken cost me 12SP and the chips 10SP, how long have their chips been cooked with the skin on them?  I liked but my brother wasn't impressed.  Oh and then I came home to salmon, mash and peas - cooked for me, how fantastic was that!  Alexis can stay :) Terry hasn't started his jobs yet so the jury is out on that one :) 

I did also have a quarter of a pork pie with stilton, it was extremely tasty but gave both me and my brother heartburn, it's pastry, it's the devils food, tastes good, but leaves it's mark on your insides!

We sat and wrote our Christmas food shopping list and I was so impressed with how we literally kept it to the things we need for the dinner and a few and I do mean few extras.  It wasn't a ridiculously long list, so hopefully we won't do too much damage.

It's lovely sitting here in my office listening to Terry chat with mom in her bedroom, she's enjoying the attention.  Her mood does change and she doesn't like them being here all the time, just like she's not very nice to me all the time, but that's the disease talking not my mom.  Alexis asked me yesterday if it hurts and said I shouldn't take it personally when she says mean things, I can honestly say I never do take it to heart, I realise what it is, people without the disease say things they don't mean all the time.  I know who I am and I don't let others make me doubt myself, as long as I continue to live my life the best way I know how and continue to be the best version of myself I'm able to be, do everything from a place of love then if anyone has a problem with me, it's their problem.  If and when mom talks to me like I'm a bit of muck or her servant, I just pull faces at her in my head so she can't see me cos that would just cause more problems ;) 

Anyways, 8 workshops left to go before I get a week off, oh I am looking forward to a rest and some family time.  But first breakfast, I'm thinking I need to go get some mushrooms, I need some more vegetables in my system, oo I might make a salmon frittata because we have some defrosted because mom didn't want to eat.

Right that's sorted, I'm off, have a very, very great day BeYOUtiful, catch ya tomorrow.