It's okay not to be okay!

29^th August 2018

Be kind to your mind.

I know it’s usually guided by my hormones as I have times when I feel it and times when I don’t, I’m also affected by the weather as I believe quite a few of us are, not to mention how much sleep I’ve had, I’m massively affected by lack of sleep and tiredness.  Then of course there are our circumstances, this world can be a difficult place to live sometimes.  I witnessed that with just a handful of my members yesterday and of course myself.  I started my day feeling overwhelmed, that’s the only world I can think of to describe, and it felt like simple things were difficult.  The fact the weather has changed meant I needed different clothes for work and of course I hadn’t sorted any out the day before, I stood there looking in my wardrobe at clothes I wore last Autumn thinking, “that won’t fit, it didn’t fit last year!”’ “Seriously did I wear that last year, why did no one tell me not too!” “I can’t wear that, it needs ironing, I can iron now”.  Something as simple as finding something to wear was way too difficult for a Tuesday morning, add to the fact most of my clothes were in a pile on the floor and that wasn’t helping.  Cooking dinner seemed complicated, I had a fridge full of veggies that needed using but I didn’t know what to cook or what I wanted to it.  I felt ‘MEH’. 

I sat with mom for a couple of hours because I could tell she was going to slip into a bad place and I didn’t want that to happen, one for her because it’s not easy being my mom right now, I can’t even imagine how scared she must feel knowing she’s losing her mind a little at a time.  She’s lost her mobility, her independence, so much has changed over the last year or so and that has to be so hard for her.  But also for me, I wasn’t in a great place myself without adding mom in a bad place to the equations.

How do I deal with days like this?  What do I do when I feel overwhelmed?

I start by reminding myself, I didn’t feel this way the day before or the week before if I’ve had more than one day of it.  If like yesterday my mind was telling me how much stuff I have to do, “sort my bedroom”, “clean the house”, “tidy the kitchen cupboards/drawers” I remind myself of the things I have got done lately that were worthwhile, such as clearing out my sheds and putting up shelving to get some organisation out there and putting together my kitchen trolley.

Next I ask myself “what is most important, right now?”  Then I start by doing what I can to get through my day.  I talk it out too, to anyone who’ll listen, I don’t pretend all is okay, that my world is tickety boo, when it isn’t. 

Then I wake up the next day (this morning) feeling better, knowing I made it through that day and I’ve made it through every bad day I’ve ever had before.  This morning I feel much better, I decided yesterday that what was important, right now was the clothing situation, this morning I’m going to have a sort out, anything I haven’t worn for a year, anything I don’t love, anything that doesn’t fit – whether too big or too small is going to the charity shop.  Less clothes means less choice and less chance of feeling overwhelmed.  That can be today’s task.  There are other things I want to get done, my office for example needs a major sort out, it’ll go on the to do list when I have the energy, because I need to remember I don’t have to do it all at once, it’s important to find time to rest and do nothing. 

I won’t always be able to spend 2 hours with my mom watching some rubbish on tele and grabbing a giggle when the opportunity arises.  There’s a chance one day she might not even recognise me – that breaks my heart right now, no wonder I have days where I wake up feeling overwhelmed.

It was suggested yesterday by someone who cares that I was a little depressed, I’m not, I have days when I’m tired, days when my body aches, days when I’m sad and I find it hard to smile, days when I’m angry, but I also have days when I’m full of energy, days when I don’t notice my aches so much, days when I’m happy and I laugh a lot, days when I’m calm.  I’m a human being who had different moods behaviours and emotions and I’m one that isn’t afraid to go with those emotions and feel them rather than trying to ignore them and pretend they don’t exist.

More importantly what did I wear and eat yesterday!  Well I ended up in a pair of crop trousers that are a little too big round the waist for me but I love them so might need to get them altered and a black shirt which I like but the buttons have a habit of popping open which isn’t good.  Foodwise, I had delicious breakfast rolls, used a lo-dough, made a very thin omelette with one egg, added spinach and protein cheese and I’ll make them again.  For dinner I ended up making roasted vegetables, chicken and chorizo lasagne, I ate it, I wouldn’t make it again, too tomatoey for me but I think my helpers enjoyed.  Then for tea last night I had a Weight Watcher spag bol ready meal quick and easy.  check out my instagram for pics https://www.instagram.com/bev_ww/

I think that’s the solution for me this week, less time in the kitchen, focus on convenience foods, so I can use some of that time to sort my surroundings because I know that’s more important to me right now, tidy house – tidy mind and all that.

If you can relate to any of this, ask yourself “what is most important, right now?” 

Here’s to having a very great day, looking for the smile moments and focussing on creating those healthy habits for life. 

Oh and I did have lots of smile moments yesterday in amongst those other feelings!  It’s all about looking for them…