Deep breathes

27^th June 2018

Be careful what you wish for…

Last night I wished for an empty house, some time on my own without having to work my mood round someone else’s, but I know what consequences getting that empty house would mean so I was just grateful when she went to bed. Xx

A member at the scales mentioned ‘comfort eating’ yesterday and then said ‘you know how it is’.  At first I was yeah I know how it is but I don’t comfort eat as such, I happy eat, the food I eat makes me happy, it doesn’t make me miserable after I’ve done it.  The truth is I wouldn’t be eating that food if I wasn’t trying to change my mood though.  We’re all emotional eaters in some form and I most certainly am.  I’d made it through my day really well, on track, writing it down, feeling good, then I walked into an episode of ‘Hell in Hilary Land’, I just wasn’t ready for it after what had been such a good day, brilliant meetings, an hour in the garden with her on the afternoon enjoying the sunshine.  Suddenly we’re in another place completely, a land where she’s been left alone for a couple of hours and had time to overthink stuff, created stories in her head and completely changed her mood and that makes her a really difficult person to be around.  Did I comfort eat – no, did I emotionally eat – yes, it was more food to calm me down and stop me reacting because ultimately I’m human too, with emotions and feelings and I get angry too but of course I have to control my feelings because I love her and I know she can’t help her behaviour and she’ll have forgotten all this by morning (hopefully!)

A babybel and a packet of WW bakes later, one more glass of wine than planned and I’d fell asleep in my chair feeling deflated and a little helpless.

Today’s a new day, it’s not started the best but that doesn’t mean it won’t improve, she woke me about 5 telling Alfie not to come and wake me up!  For once I refused to get up, I told her I was going to try and go back to sleep which I managed for another hour, then Alfie reminded me he wanted his walk now before it gets too warm which is fair enough.  The delivery man had dumped 20+ boxes by my gate when we got back so it’s now 8am and all that’s been done, oh and I’ve typed this blog out twice because my computer froze and I lost the document – YAY!  Funnily enough I’m less likely to emotionally eat this early in the morning – why is that do you think?

I reckon it’s because we’re emotionally and physically stronger in the morning and as the day goes on, our energy gets sapped and we have less resistance by the evening.  I’ll spend this morning cajoling her out of any mood she’s still in, god that’s draining some days but the love there is strong and that’s why I do it.

My natural preference of emotion is peaceful, I like a calm environment, when I haven’t got that, that’s when food/wine comes into play because it has a calming effect on me.

I’m going to do a little research on the calming effects of foods, see what I can include in my diet to help me stay calm.  I know there won’t be any miracles but I can try.  The truth is I don’t need to research it, I already know that eating a healthy balanced diet is what will help, making sure I get a good balance.  I’m thinking No Count today, then if I do come home to the land of Hilary Hell later, I can eat a warby thin or two ;) happy days lol.

The truth is I have to find other ways to find my calm, relying on food/wine isn’t the answer, I’m already doing some of them, so I make sure my house has lovely smells, I walk the dog, I water my hanging baskets when I get back from work, that gives me ten minutes to adjust to the environment that I’ve walked into.  I will try to deep breathe more.  Writing it down helps too, this blog is so therapeutic, I don’t care if it makes sense or not or if no one’s reading.  I also distract myself by chatting with my friends. Getting a bit of love off Alfie and trying not to take it all too seriously, plus getting enough sleep.

So today, I shall be kind, be careful, monitor my thoughts and try to have a very great day whilst focusing on the healthy and happy.

I hope you do too. xx