Am I dreaming?

19th April 2017

Developing healthy eating habits becomes easier each day.

I've just woke up from a complex, horrible, mess of a dream which has bought a bit of clarity - random things dreams.  I actually woke up at the moment I was trying to explain to someone who was actually scared of me!  "I have a weight problem, I am not a problem!"  Deep or what for a Wednesday morning!  It made me realise I used to FEAR getting 'fat', it was a major factor in keeping me on track and motivated to keep my weight down.  I appear to have lost that fear, I guess that's a good thing in a way or is it, was that my driver, is that one of the reasons I struggle so much at the moment.  Or do I struggle so much at the moment because of where I am in my life?

My weight in the past was all I needed to focus on, yeah I used to have to go to work but I'd also spend hours in the gym, I had no pressure, life was easy really.  When my previous job became truly stressful, my weight went up, food became a friend I guess, something to distract me from the crap whilst tasting great and being enjoyable.

This last month, that's happening again, in a different way I think, it's just there and I'm eating it, I'm getting home from work or I'm stuck at home all weekend and so I'm eating.  That's not the whole story though is it, because I've been stuck at home for a year or more now - oh yeah DOH I've been really struggling with my weight all that time too, I'll get it under control for a month or two then the bad habits will creep back in slowly.  Partly because I have more to think about these days than my weight, I don't have the time or the inclination to spend hours in the gym and also because I've lost that FEAR!

I know I used to think, "what will people think!" that helped me keep my weight lower, the truth is these days, people can think what they like, no one has the right to judge another and what other people think of me is none of my business. 

Where does that leave me?  If I can't change my situation, my life is what it is right now - I'm happy with that by the way, I'm okay with being my mom's prime carer, she was mine for long enough - I can change how I'm behaving and my thinking.

Okay let's start making some changes.

Last night my long time helper and friend Julie and I got weighed together, we've both been slipping lately and it's got out of hand so we've agreed to be accountable to each other.

Instead of thinking I'm stuck at home a lot -

Think I have more time at home to cook me delicious healthy meals

Instead of thinking I don't have the time or inclination to spend hours in the gym -

Think I now have to walk the dog, do the housework, washing, ironing etc, who needs the gym, this is taking up my time and burning calories.  Still a workout!

Instead of thinking what will people think-

Think what do I think, what do I want, what body would I be happy with, yeah I love me but would I be more comfortable in a slightly smaller shell?

Instead of thinking I can't change my situation -

Think of all the things I can do to make my situation healthy & happier

Yep, I could also just stop thinking and start doing!

I have a good life, I'm blessed to live in a house filled with love and laughter, we're financially comfortable, we don't need to be rich.  We can afford to put food on the table, heat the house, do all the things my mom couldn't always do when we were kids, so I'm going to focus on the good and what we have, not the struggles and stress.

I started well, yesterday was a good day, breakfast was egg and mushrooms on toast (5sp), lunch was a tin of a Saag Aloo (13sp) convenience food at it's best, it's been in the cupboard for months and for my tea I had a huge salad with sardines and some grated protein cheese for (7sp), followed by the red stuff of course, that was cut down too!

Today we're having cottage pie, I took it out of the freezer yesterday, it was from an M&S meal deal we had a few weeks back, 13sp in half, I'll do it with more veg to make it a big meal for me.  Egg, tomato, mushrooms and crumpet for breakfast I reckon, I've got now bread in the house so if I want some I've got to fetch some!  I need to though as mom likes a sarnie for her tea, I can't not have stuff in the house to help me if others need to eat it!  I did resist the walkers crisps last night though thankfully, instead I had a few slices of ham whilst sitting there being told by mom "These Walkers cheese and onion crisps are the best thing in the world", she was being really supportive and helpful as you can see.

Anyway, that all came from a place I haven't been to in a while, thanks to a random messed up dream that involved Karen Green, Kylie Minogue and Dr Who like sci if crap plus random others I can't recall, anyway I'll have forgotten all about that dream in an hour or so, let's hope I don't forget all the things it's made me think about in this blog. 

Here's to getting my eating back under control and rebalancing the healthy and happy.

Have a first-rate Wednesday BeYOUtiful.